First Session: Seiken

He made a face, as Valli said "they're", he did call it "the beast" but it didn't really seem to be another entity so to speak. Slowly he shifted on his branch as he contemplated the question quietly for a few moments before finally letting his lips open, "It's .. any time I'm in danger, not just my life is threatened," he explained with a frown.

"It never .. comes out, otherwise, unless-" he halted, recalling that little fuck Jason and his eyes narrowed a bit. "Unless my feelings co-inside with it. But that's really rare," he stated loosely, because it was- Jason had been the first time that had happened in at least five years- not since he murdered his father.

"It's not another .. personality. It's almost the opposite I guess ..?" he mumbled, frowning as he let his gaze travel upward. "Like a lack of any thought .. or personality .. it's like I'm in a blank room, watching what's going on through a screen .."

"Common in those with childhood trauma, huh .." Seiken suddenly started to laugh- it was quiet at first, before he slowly tilted his head back and gave an earnest laugh. It was genuine, and likely quite shocking to Valli- as he didn't seem the type to laugh much, and he was certainly right. He could count the amount of times he had laughed in his life on his hands. But this was just too much.

His voice grew quiet, as his gaze slowly lifted. It was as if all of the things that had happened in his life could just be summed up in a few pretty words. Was this what Psychology was? Taking all the things in his life, and striping out all the pain, humanity, suffering, and lessons he had learned from it all- and slapping a label on it? Because it may take too much time to explain in full?

So he didn't have a history of rape, cannibalism, murder, and child abuse- he had "childhood trauma"?

His lip twisted in a sad smile as his laughter slowly died, and his words came forward- quiet, and cold. "How .. cruel." he murmured suddenly, it was the only word he could think of to fit that. He didn't blame Valli. He was sure to anyone that was raised in this time, this world, it was an act of kindness. But to him, who had never experienced these words, this treatment, this world before the last year- it was just .. cruel. A way to take the humanity, the emotion, from their statements.

It was like calling someone that suffered from Shell Shock, "Operational exhaustion", or "Post-traumatic stress disorder", as if they could just hide all of that pain and bury it under jargon.

How sickeningly cruel.

However, finally- he would let his eyes open slowly once more, glancing down at Valli as he asked his question. "My feelings matching up to the .. things? Or the feeling of 'Dissociation'?" the last word was a bit dry, sarcastic, and his animosity toward the word was apparent, but he directed none of it at Valli- his eyes and expression were completely neutral and calm looking at the man. Seiken was quite good at being bluntly honest with his feelings- and understanding where to direct that anger.

Seiken decided to answer the short part first.

"I can count the times I've had the feeling on one hand in the past five years," he stated simply. Slowly raising his eyes. "If we're talking about across my lifetime .. between the ages of five to thirteen, I couldn't say how many times. I think I may have simply permanently been like that, to be honest .." he pondered quietly, and shrugged. "Probably before that too, I was just too young to remember anything," that was probably for the best, considering his fathers attraction toward small, soft creatures. He was glad he couldn't remember those years. The years he could remember were .. more than enough.

"The most recent time was the first time in .." he squinted, if he counted the interaction with Jason, he'd actually have done it quite recently. But that had been different. He had still been in control so there had been no "Dissociation". He decided it didn't count, he'd just been angry then and he didn't want to give Valli false information to work with. So that would leave .. Hai's death. He felt his stomach sink.

He made a face as if he had eaten something foul, and his mouth twisted a bit- it was obvious he had recalled something he truly was disgusted with. But he carried on and slowly cleared his throat. ".. Almost a year." he murmured simply, finishing his statement as he slowly tucked his hand in his pocket once more.

Then there was the second question. He made a face, struggling with the words. Vocal communication was so damn .. complicated. ".. It's not that isn't not accurate. I just find it .." he frowned, struggling with the words and scratching the back of his head for a few moments. Finally, he just settled on the word he had called it before. "Cruel."

He sighed softly. "Technology is all well and good .. and I understand its helped medicine and everything save alot of people." He shrugged a bit, "But I've never been to a doctor, or anything similar. Never been to a Psychiatrist, or anything similar. I get they're probably terms used for the betterment of others but .." he shrugged.

"They just seem cruel. As if you're draining the humanity out of the words so that it doesn't hurt anyone." He blinked, realizing that's probably exactly what they were doing. Someone wasn' "crazy" they were "mentally unstable". Ah.

"Ah." he repeated vocally. ".. I get it. Nevermind." his tone was no longer disgusted, just .. drly amused, he had been right. They just didn't care, because they assumed it was better for the people. It was nothing but a difference in opinions- so it no longer mattered to Seiken. It was always that simple with him, and this time was no different.

His head tilted back, watching Valli casually from his perch, "So what should I do to get rid of the 'Dissociation'?" he asked simply, seeming quite blunt and simple as per usual.

Seiken didn't have a hard time saying what had happened to him. He had told Emily within a week a vague touch of what it was. It was less "difficult for him to talk about" and more not feeling anyone was worth telling. That said, he also knew that Valli was here to try and help him- he needed the whole story, he needed to know him; so that he could use his knowledge and expertise to help him get past the beast. Otherwise, he may really kill someone that mattered to him and not a bunch of thugs that really- he just felt pity for more than guilt.

So he made the point simple. He covered the fact that he was not in that box of people Valli was talking about- because he .. well. He wasn't a person, at least not entirely, and he was ok with that. He needed to make sure Valli understood that he had no issue talking about his past, the scars that had been left- both physical and emotional- were something he had already forced himself to adjust to and understand. He had accepted it all, already. Or at least- that's what he was fairly sure of himself. Perhaps Valli could see a bit deeper and prove him wrong.

Or perhaps he just needed the man's help in shifting away from "Dissociation" and into something else when he was attacked.

Either way, his next words were completely void of negative or positive emotion, as if he was just stating a fact that anyone could say.

"I was raised by two psychopathic serial killers for most of my early life. I was left in a cage, abused, fed raw meat- often human, raped, burned, shot, and didn't know how to write, talk, read, or even understand basic human principals for the first ten to thirteen years of my life." his eyes examined the sky as he sighed, slowly letting his gaze drift down. "There's alot more. But that summarizes alot of it. I'm pretty sure I was using "Dissociation" my entire early life cus' of that .. do I need something to happen to me that's just as strong to get out of that .. habit?"

Seiken's self-loathing suddenly reared its ugly head. Even if he spoke of the past like it was nothing- that choice of words spoke volumes. He was willing to put himself through hell, to "fix" himself. Because he was broken, he was disgusting, he was inhuman, he was a monster. He was a walking logic loop- he hated himself, but despite that, he had accepted himself and was willing to allow himself to be happy despite that.