First Session: Ishvi

Valli had a point, but it was also the kind of point you had to be careful about making. Ishvi struck him as the kind of person who emotional arguments weren't likely to work on. He wanted to shove his emotions down. Logic might work on him though. An understanding that he was not alone, and that his issues were a regular and normal thing.

"Humans have a mental illness known as post-traumatic stress disorder. We now understand that it happens when the mind is unable to handle an extremely traumatic event--and before you think that, no, this isn't a diagnosis. Watching someone die. Killing someone. But it doesn't happen every time. What's interesting--and why I bring this up--is how this became more established. In human history we've had wars for centuries. Brutal, violent wars. Wars where people were fighting up close with swords, not attacking at a distance. But until World War One, we never saw anything quite like shell shock. Certainly there were things like it, but you would expect it to be an epidemic when you're talking about massive battlefields of tens of thousands of ancient soldiers."

Valli paused, settling back in his chair to let Ishvi digest what he'd said before continuing.

"There's a lot of discussion about why we don't see it, but one of the big theories is that it's the community. Someone like an ancient Roman soldier would stay with a single company. He'd travel with them, and they'd all have similar experiences. And then he'd go home, and be surrounded by people who understood the things he'd gone and done. That was simply how life was, and being surrounded by people who understood was a very important factor. In the modern day, that doesn't exist. Companies shift around. People get promoted away from their peers. And most of all, at the end of the day they go home to a society which has no understanding of what they've been through. Ancient soldiers could turn to each other and have someone who could understand. The angels at your outpost were probably the same. They could turn to each other and have someone who could understand what they'd been through."

Valli's face was grim and focused as he leaned forward slightly.

"But you have suffered an individual loss. In many ways, a loss that only you experience--any trauma at all, really--is in many ways worse. You have no one who can really understand. It feels isolating. Frustrating. It's an extremely common thing, and something that I see over and over, especially from those with warlike backgrounds. To suffer in battle is to suffer with friends. To suffer after is to suffer alone."

Valli was increasingly convinced that Ishvi had gone to work far too quickly. He wasn't adapted to the island. He wasn't prepared for it. Valli had no idea how long it had been since he'd left his home, but the cultural struggles were clearly there, and now they'd been shoved back in his face.

"You're searching for answers," Valli said. "Which you're afraid you might not get. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but the idea of closure is perhaps the least guaranteed of all. Answers have to come from inside, and in your situation, you can't look to anyone else for the answers you need. Proving it doesn't matter. Even if they were still up there, wanting to prove it to them still wouldn't help."

Whether they were alive or dead, requiring the approval of others wasn't going to be healthy. Especially not in Ishvi's situation. Not when they were lying about him being fallen.

Valli did not glance away in time, but it didn't matter. The enchantment on his bracelet protected him from the fear, leaving Valli only thinking that Ishvi was filled with shame at the transformation. It certainly wasn't appealing to most, but it didn't seem half as horrifying as he'd expected.

But, truly, Ishvi's situation seemed worse and worse. He wasn't able to control his shifting. He didn't see the point of talking to people.

"I think the most important thing you might be able to get out of this is just learning ways to help handle your emotions. I can suggest a few methods to help you center yourself, to avoid the feeling of... loss of control."

Which he was very obviously experiencing right then and there. That was a good first step, a way to help him feel like he was in control and hopefully help him relax.

Some therapists wanted to hide their emotions. They felt like having emotions was in some way likely to impress itself on their patient. But while extreme emotions should obviously be avoided, Valli felt there was more harm to be done by being completely flat. Better to react, and react he did, a small frown reaching his lips at Ishvi's words.

"The point of learning to calm down and center yourself is not to avoid letting people see. The idea is to help you keep control of yourself, so that you can make clear choices. People do a lot of foolish things acting on emotional highs, and being able to calm down is an important skill for anyone, regardless of circumstances. Calming down lets you think things through. It lets you see things more clearly."

Valli suspected that, like it or not, Ishvi wasn't going to be able to keep working. Even in an enclosed environment he was acting extremely erratically, and it was hard to imagine he'd be able to keep it together in the long run. Not without major intervention, and just going to a therapist likely wouldn't be enough. He needed time away from major stressors, and being a cop didn't exactly play well with that.

"Emotional regulation is something to learn. Some people are born with a natural aptitude for it, but for others it's a matter of learning to cope with emotions as they come. Controlling the more extreme ones until you can handle them in a safe space. It's not the same as bottling, because when you bottle, you don't handle things until they explode. But you need to first and foremost learn to prevent your emotions from overwhelming you, because if they do it could put you at risk."

At risk of breaking down. At risk of making things worse. A lot of risks.

"I'll guide you through some breathing exorcises. They're often considered the easiest way to handle things, and the best place to start because they're nearly universal."