First Session: Ishvi

Ishvi listened to Valli quietly. He wasn't calm, was anything but calm, still hurting, ashamed of this form, and very unsure of what to say. But Valli seemed to know what he was talking about. At least, from what Ishvi understood of it, it seemed to make sense. Either way, he didn't have anything to add - didn't want to show off more of this emotional lack of control than he already had.

"It was never this bad before. Not an excuse but... I don't know why I'm doing so badly. I could.. keep things private and now it's lying if I say I'm fine. I don't understand..." He trailed off with a shrug. There was a lot in this situation he didn't understand and most of it was impossible to find words for. With a sigh and a vague wave of his hands, Ishvi attempted to brush it off, "All of this, this, is new. I'll do what I'm told."

The idea of breathing exercises was a new one that caught Ishvi off guard. For a moment he just blinked at Valli in confusion, resisting the urge to protest that he already knew how to breathe. It probably wasn't exactly what it sounded like. "Breathing... exercises? What do you mean?"

The breathing exercises weren't actually as strange as he'd thought they'd be. They were just something he'd done without thinking during training, and never deliberately focused on. It turned out they were helpful even while not exercising as well. Paying attention to something other than his whirling thoughts grounded him enough that he was able to shift back.

Ishvi still pressed himself back in the chair, not looking straight at Valli, but there was definitely some relief on his face to be out of nightmare form. At least for the moment.

"I never realized breathing was important. I mean other than the obvious. Is that what this is, what you do? Teach people tools to, to calm things? Is there no way to get rid of the feelings or at least deal with them?" The half-angel was still antagonistic towards himself, concerned about people seeing weakness in him. Nothing he did was good enough. "I know I can't change what happened. I can't bring the real angels back." He gave a pained look at that. For all his issues with home, he still grieved the loss of his family.

"Okay. That makes sense. I think I'm calm...er." This, just talking, was more taxing than he'd thought it would be. There was a nagging thought in the back of his head that told him that he shouldn't have needed to calm down, that if he was better he'd have kept his control. But what had already happened couldn't be changed. Hopefully he'd remember to breathe when he needed it, so he could at least keep it together in uniform.

"Is it really bad to bottle them up? Sometimes people are watching you and you have to protect them. I try to keep emotions private. I shouldn't bug other people with them." Ishvi believed every word he said, sincerely, though he still kept his eyes lowered while he spoke. Even if he wasn't concerned with hiding himself, the emotions he could pick out from the chaos, the few he could understand, like grief, were private. There were so much more he didn't have words for.

Quieter, he added, trying to not be stubborn, to follow advice. "There's.. a lot of them. I don't know how to do any of this... The past is past and I can't fix anything."

"A purpose? I thought they just.." He waved a hand vaguely, unsure what he was trying to say. "I don't know. Mostly they only seem to get in the way. And they're popping up at the wrong times. Interfering when they shouldn't."

Ishvi sat staring at his feet trying to explain things he didn't understand, a hostility towards himself evident in his tone. For all his introversion he didn't use the quiet to examine himself. "I know it's probably normal to... be sad with my whole family g-gone."

He paused for a breath, still determined to keep a calm mask, though it had already broken a few times and was hardly convincing. "I'm not facing anything right now. It already happened. I can't fix it. Missing home, I still shouldn't - should - Why can't I just deal with it without it showing? I need to do it myself. I need to prove- to keep things together."