fate is both a prison and an open hand (CD)

It had started light. It had started with dirty jokes about food-well, not exactly food, and it had not exactly started as such but for the sake of the argument, Sebastian thought of it so-and easy smiles, and raising an eyebrow once he saw the bottle of lube and the condoms Hari had packed despite claiming that this, this right here? This was a sex free date. It had started as thinking of all the different things he could do to his lover out here, in the nature, yet still far from public prying eye. It had started as feeling that maybe, just maybe he could enjoy this date after all. And then Hari had <i>had</i> to ask.

<i>I don't mind sharing my secrets with you</i> a quiet plea, softly spoken, but not as softly as Sebastian's own, who looked at him now, frozen between words, pleading yet again, with his eyes, body and soul, <i>please don't make me talk</i> as he had been pleading this whole week. His plea, however, had either been entirely too softly spoken and thus unheard, or Hari had thought something completely different of it, for here they were after all, despite his every silent plea and childish antic, despite, despite showing discontent in his every movement and having to be dragged out of bed, despite everything and everyone, and for a moment, Sebastian thought that perhaps it meant that he should talk after all. Perhaps it meant that he was ready to tell. He had followed him out here after all, even though he knew that no matter what he said, Hari would want to talk, to get everything cleared out and in order, for that was simply who he was. A planner, an organiser And Sebastian knew that, and yet he still lo…craved him, craved his presence with a desperate admiration, because without him, without him the world turned grey again, and he would not go back there, not if he did not have to. And that, in the end, was a reason he had come here willingly, to what will be his slaughter. Not because he was ready to talk, but because he was basically backed into a corner. And the words thus got stuck in his throat the moment he thought about speaking them out loud.

''Because'' he mouthed silently as his whole body slowly started to shake, his eyes closing themselves suddenly, on instinct, as if he had seen too bright a light, his mouth still moving, trying to form silent words as he bit into his lower lip, almost savagely, and certainly deep enough to draw more than a drop of blood.

''Because'' he mouthed silently, as his mind moved a hundred miles per hour <i> Because it is just so easy, why don't you see, I could have anything, do anything, be anything, why don’t you understand, just a few words, and the world would be mine. Why can't you understand, why are you making me say it, even you, now, this, can’t you see, it would be so easy, just a few words, and it would be gone, it would be all gone gone gone, I could make you forget you ever wanted to talk about anything, about ever wanting to do anything but moan under me, I could make you my slave, but then you would run off, and the world would be grey, grey, grey, grey and and and... everything would be GONE</i>

Gone. Like a dust in the wind, a fleeting image, something new shining with a bright new light. A hope meant to torture, and nothing more. No.thing.more. At that thought, even his mind broke, shaking in its foundation just as his body had been doing for what felt like hours now but could not have been more than few minutes. Like glass, everything in him broke into pieces, and everything in him hurt as the sharp edges of those pieces, all words he could not speak but bottled up inside insead, cut wound after wound into the deep skin he had put around his soul, heart… He did not even know any more.

He didn't know which depth had which feeling hidden inside, which part of himself he had chained which of his powers to, which wall separated his anger at being gifted with such power from his fear of being left alone, something which had developed in those long days when he thought it safer simply not to kiss anybody after he had discovered what his power could do beyond pulling pretty boys under the bleachers... And pretty boys under bleachers also made him think a completely different set of thoughts.

<i>Pretty boys under the bleachers, hot kiss after a scourging hot kiss, pants in the half dark, as breathing quickened, thumping of hearts, nails scratching at the skin of his back, all fake, all fake, disgust in their eyes as they realised what they had done, pushing him away; learning not to care, make it all a game, if it's just passing time, if it was boring anyway, painted in the shades of grey than maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when it is over...</i>

His control slipped, and he could no longer tell the part of him which was more human than snake from part of him which was more snake then human. He could feel his body starting to change, scales forming everywhere, small pecks of bright, screaming yellow against his pale skin and he could feel the whole mess inside his head suddenly come to a halt, and scream <b>NO</b>.

He was not going to CHANGE, not again, not against his own fucking <i>hell damn it </i> WILL. It was his fucking <i>that hurt as hell, damn it, damn it</i> BODY, and he was not a god damned SNAKE.

Suddenly, much in disagreement with his inner turmoil and much like a snake jumping on its pray, Sebastian sprang forward and cupping Hari's face in his hands, kissed the other man, fiercely, desperately, needing something to ground him in the here and now, in the human body, something that a snake could not possible do, something to prove that he was <i>god damn it</i> a <i>god fucking damn it</i> <u>human</u> being.

''Because…'', he whispered, because talking, that was another thing snakes could not do, and while his body had seriously contemplated turning into one so it would spare him the anxiety and fear of perhaps having to do just that now he will have to do just that to keep himself human, and, quite honestly, sane, for he was almost hundred percent sure that one more day spent as human trapped in a body of a snake was going to drive him <i>in</i>sane.

His eyes however, were still closed and his voice still sounded like he was choking on his own words, ''…before you came the worlds were painted in the shades of grey.'' That was everything he could manage to rip from himself at that particular topic at this particular time; <i>Ever</i> something in him hissed, and he knew that he would have to try harder than that to keep himself human.

''And you eat me up just fine, lover'', he continued to rip one word after another from his choking throat, in a voice which was still strained despite him not talking about the things that pained him the most any more. ''Metaphorically at least. I was merely saying that with all the food you've been making it seemed like you might try doing it literary next.''

It had started light, he thought, with dirty jokes about food. It ended with his whole body still shaking as he tried desperately to cling to his human shape, his skin already covered in small, hard, speck of gold scales, and the point of the said joke, than now more than ever seemed pointless and weak.

(I'm so, so, so, so sorry @"Poptart" but that right there was a painful topic, and I had no other idea how to handle it, and this just came out of me and fkhjlgkpfhlt, so sorry O.O So, so, so sorry. Honestly. I really am. Sorry.)

There were words out there, in the world outside of his <s>sad, broken, ruined</s> mind, words spoken by the one person who could keep him sane right now, and he could not hear them. He could not hear them because of the voices inside his head screamed so loud he quite honestly started to wonder how it was possible that it was just him that could hear them. The screams of pain, the raging of a beast finally released from its Sebastian imposed cage, they were so loud, they had drowned the world, along with the things in that world which had kept him human. He could feel his body growing colder, and he feared opening his eyes, not because it would hurt, but because snakes could not see colour, not as humans did at least. He still fought with everything he had to cling to a human form thought, but it was so hard, so hard when he could not hear, or see or think of anything that was human in him, the pain having destroyed it all... The pain, he thought, startled. The pain was human. No snake had ever experienced the pain like this, a soul ripping agony of a broken mind and heart. The pain will keep him human.

Something finally broke through the ranks of soldiers raging through his inside. A pair of hands holding him. A pair of lips kissing him. A gentle touch against his back. A shush, telling the voices in his head to shut the fuck up. And the voice, voice so gentle reminded him of silk, and the softness of the softest thing he had ever touched. It calmed him down before he could even process the words Hari had spoken.

<i>I killed my mother when I was seven... You know how my power goes. I kill everything I touch...I kill everything I touch...everything I touch... My father thought I was a monster...monster...he locked me in the basement for two years...locked me in the basement...basement...for two years...</i>

''Two years?'', his voice cracked as he himself whispered, words spoken echoing through his mind like a song put on endless repeat, hitting every sore spot, every self destructive mode he had.

<i>His father locked him in the basement for two years... </i> Two years... Hari, that was sun. Hari, that was so weak, so sick, when they met. Hari, who was warm and kind. <i>What are you against him?</i> a dark, shining mass living in the back of his mind ask, tearing him apart thread by thread, causing him almost physical pain. He felt like he was going to vomit. He wanted to push himself away from Hari, as he felt his stomach turn onto itself, making his insides hurt physically as well as mentally, but he could not find the strength. He was his last thread, this man, and the self-destructive darkness inside his mind could not touch him, not unless Sebastian allowed, and he was not strong enough to allow anything right now. He could only shake while enveloped in those hands which kept him sane.

<i>What are your problems against his? You are afraid of being left behind; he had lived two years in the dark. And still...</i> Still he could voice his hurt. And him? Look at what the mare mention of talking had done to him. it had broken him, stripped him of his everything and turned him into this weak, shivering thing.

Look at what the mare mention of talking had done to him.

Slowly, with his problems suddenly put into just a slightly different perspective-slight in a way in which the world would be slightly different if the sky were purple and grass red-and disgust at his own behaviour welling up in his gut, Sebastian forced his body first to stop shaking, then, as he pieced himself back together piece by a broken piece, he opened his eyes, slowly, still somewhat afraid of what he would see there. The first thing that caught his eyes was his skin, pale, long arms covered with blood from his still bleeding lip, the redness of it crashing not only with the paleness but with the screaming yellow scales still present there. The beast, however, had been put firmly back into the cage, and there was no black mass of horror to tell him he was a monster this time. Just his own disgust for allowing things to come this far.

How had he allowed himself to fall this far?

He was attached. Hari, his last string to sanity, apparently, was <i>attached</i> Sebastian wanted to burst into laughter, hysterical, maniacal laughter, but he managed to contain himself. Nobody would get the joke. Nobody would laugh with him, and the person still holding him so gently would be hurt, probably beyond repair.

So, instead, he took to straightening himself. He removed himself from Hari's arms, first, though he did not go very far. He was still close enough to share his heat, his breath, but he could also lay a hand on the shoulder which was adorned by the golden Sun, which was supposed to be him, apparently, and look the other man in the eyes. He opened his mouth to tell him, his every intention honestly being to explain everything to him, to try and easy him into understanding why he had had to see what he had seen, why he had had to face a version of him which was more smashed into pieces than smug... and his mind once again became blank.

He could not find the words, the strength, despite having calmed himself down, despite all of his resolve to come clean with every last thing from his past right the fuck now for having the Hari had done the same for him? Bared himself to his judgement, made himself face what was probably his worst demon in order to do nothing more but <i>calm Sebastian the fuck down?</i> He should worship him just for that, let alone show him his heart in return.

Despite all of that however, no matter how strong his resolve, faced with his demon, even when it was caged, Sebastian found himself mute, more silent than the stone. He refused, however, to take such great comfort without giving anything in return.

So maybe he could not face his demon as he was now, despite having it caged, for having it put away and locked was not the same as facing it, let alone winning anything from him. So maybe that was that. Maybe he needed a win, something small, something he could use as a weapon against the dark.

Slowly, he moved the arm which was not holding onto Hari's tattooed shoulder to gently touch the other man's face, each and every move slow yet obviously deliberate and precise. He then leaned forward so that his forehead was against the other man's and he said, in a voice which was neither quiet nor weak:


And with that he acknowledged that this was something more than coming back to the same bed each night simply to hold the same man for as long as the both of them were willing. And with <i>that</i> the damn within his mind slowly began to break.

''And I want nothing from you but what you're willing to give, and will give you, from this moment onwards, everything you are willing to take.''

When Hari started crying after his admission, Sebastian couldn't do anything but draw him closer to himself, the same way Hari himself had done for him when he had started shaking, hugging him gently yet firmly, and waiting for the tears to pass. He felt oddly calm considering the outright mess he had been just a few minutes before, almost as if building himself up piece by piece after being almost completely broken down had made him more stable than he had ever been before. There wasn't even a thread of fear of doubt in him, no wondering why Hari was suddenly crying after being told that he was loved; he simply knew, somehow, by instinct, that they were tears of joy.

And then there was a smile of joy too, and it was brighter than the sun. ''Yeah?'', he asked after Hari had told him that he loved him too. ''That's great then'', he laughed, wondering what the hell was wrong with his mind this time. He felt no sadness before, but now, when he expected to be filled to the brink with happiness, he felt nothing as well. Just calmness. Endless peace and what he had hoped was strength, but was not so sure any more. ''I would have hated to be trapped in one sided love forever'', he joked, and then his expression turned somewhat sore as he saw his scales still glimmering against his skin. It seemed he hadn't pieced himself back together just right after all if those were still there.

''And while I'm not usually into getting matching body modifications, it seems like we will have no choice but to be a pair for a while'', he added, thinking about the golden sun tattooed into the skin of Hari's shoulder. His mind still oddly void of all emotion-he did not imagine this would happen after his admission, though he was not sure what exactly he was looking for; the result however, seemed to be heading in the general direction of his desire-he started talking almost absentmindedly as he still stared at his scales.

''I hate my snake shape, you know'', he said, his voice flat and emotionless, not a drop of that hate to be found anywhere in him at the moment. ''With passion'', he added, just to emphasise, his voice, expression, body, oddly passionless. ''It is stupid'', he continued talking, moving his hand slightly just to see if it functioned the same way now that it was covered with scales. ''It's pointless. I'm not even poisonous'', he had checked after the first time he had turned. He forgot the name of the species he looked most like, but he remembered that it was non-poisonous. And that it ate rats. Maybe. He wasn't sure any more.

''I feel trapped whenever I change. Like I'm slowly going insane, a human in a body of a snake'', he continued talking, his expression slowly turning more and more sour as some of his emotions swam back to the surface from wherever it was that they were hiding now. ''It has always felt wrong, like it doesn't fit. Like I don't fit. And I am always scared. Will I be able to change back the next day? Or would I be forced to wait like that, in the wrong body, with a wrong mind, until the next time the moon was gracious enough to be full?'', his voice was more bitter now than it had ever been before.

''Even when I am not changed I get all... jumpy around the full moon'', he said, raising his eyes to Hari's with a slight smirk on his lips, though it was just a shadow of his usual arrogant smiles. ''It was a full moon when we met, you know. It's why I was so all over the place. Everything felt tight. Close felt tight, skin felt tight, and everything and everyone was irritating'', it was no surprise that the few teachers he had managed to meet in his stay here had initially thought he was a 'wolf. He wasn't however, and tat was why his connection to the Moon confused him even more.

''It is like that every month. Sometimes, it's even worse'', he said remembering those few months he had experienced at home, after he had changed for the first time, when he would lock himself into his room simply out of fear that he would actually bite someone in his completely unfounded rage.

''Ironically it is what had kept me together back there, that hate'', he whispered, thinking how today seemed like a day simply made for irony. What he hated the most stopped him from falling apart and then what he feared the most kept him in his human shape, only for the day to hear him willingly spill all of his secrets away.

He smiled bitterly as he continued to talk. Still no fear. No insane wish to jump and run away. Or kiss, until neither of them could breath. Fall into bed, or, rather, onto grass here and just make love until any and all thought went away. Nothing. Just the odd emptiness and some old, old bitterns.

''I had literary stopped myself from falling simply so I wouldn't turn into a snake'', he continued to speak almost automatically, looking at the world with the glossed-over eyes almost as if he didn't see it, though he knew more than well that Hari was there- his grip of the other man's shoulder and hand must have been almost painful considering how tightly he was holding onto him.

''That's how much I hate it'', he finished, wondering whether it would stop there, considering that he seemed to have what little control he had had over what he would be confessing today. Still, he was talking. That was what he had wanted anyway, right? For a small victory to break the damn? Well, it was what he had gotten, and now he could either swim, or drawn.

''Do you want to know why I was so close to breaking in the first place anyway?'' he asked, quietly, still distant, yet holding onto his lover for dear life at the same time.

Sebastian leaned into the soft touch of Hari's hand, his whole going limp and practically melting into it as the heat from the other man's hand seeped deep into his skin, making him realise just how much the balance inside him had shifted. He had always craved touch, and warmth, but now, now it all seemed different somehow, and it made him want to take a step back, to reaffirm once again that he was not a snake, that his blood was not cold, but he cold not make himself do so. The softness of Hari's saying thing hand offered too much comfort for him to do so right now.

Comfort. Was he comfortable with it now? With saying things he had known for years now but had never shown, never voiced? Would he able to tell? He was not <i>un</i>comfortable any more, not in the way he had been just minutes before, but did not being uncomfortable immediately resulted in being <i>comfortable</i>? he didn't know. He tried to think, but found nothing in himself that would offer him a straight answer, which, in fact was not all that surprising, he thought quietly, chuckling to himself, considering how bent he was.

The said chuckle which somehow managed to escape his lips despite the mood made him realise that maybe he did not have to answer right now, even though he knew Hari would listen, and accept, every thing he would say on a topic he had started himself. The peace inside him had somewhat started to shake, however, and suddenly he was overwhelmed with the need to take a step back, and rest. He would still talk, he thought, just not right now. Right now could be the time for a small bit of laughter, and some food, he decided. Otherwise, everything Hari had made would go to waste. Also, it would give him something to do with his hands as he talked later, besides giving Hari bruises in what was a decidedly not fun way.

''That's good to know then too'', he said smiling slightly as he finally moved just a bit further away from the other man, letting go of his shoulder and hand as well as stepping away from the hand which was caressing his cheek. ''That you would love me even if I were a snake'', he added, just in case it was unclear. ''I would, however, rather not put myself through a whole month without sex unless I really have to'', he decided, still laughing even though his glass light and seemingly about to break every moment now.

Reaching for the food, he grabbed the first thing he could reach, playing with it almost nervously as he had realised suddenly that he really wasn't all that hungry. His stomach was still tied in too tight of a knot for him to add anything to it. Silence fell between them, not exactly uncomfortable, but definitely pregnant. Somehow, his mind saw a joke there as well, and he laughed again, before he carefully goaded his mind into thinking about how exactly should one tell the world, and his boyfriend, about things he was not sure he had words for.

''You asked why I was so bored'', he decided to begin by repeating the original question. ''I'm not sure I can put it into words well enough for you to understand but... I'll try.

It had started a few years ago, actually. Before that...well, you couldn't have exactly called me a model student, but I was still interested. Mostly in boys, as I was fourteen and just learning what being gay really meant but there were other things. I... can't really remember them any more, it is just all fog, but I know there were some. I had hobbies. Friends. That's where it all started, actually, I suppose. In a way. With my friends, and our games. There were bets made around me and the way in which I could make everybody I wanted kiss me. I won many a fifty bucks that way. Not that I needed the money, that is, but it was fun. I didn't know about my power back then, not that I know much more now. I simply knew that if I did...<i>something</i> with my mind, my voice would change, and I could win every bet I will ever make. My friends soon realised that as well, so they stopped betting, but by that time I have already realised what having this power meant. And it meant that I could have anything with just a few words spoken in the right voice. Even if it sometimes failed to work, it just meant I would have to push a little harder at my power, until it gave way, and I was soon seducing the hell out of all of my teachers both male and female. I have barely studied for all of my junior and senior years and I still maintained perfect grades, got accepted in the bunch of good colleges only to realise that I had no fucking clue as to what I wanted to do with my life.

My parents were already rich, and combining that with my power, it meant I could do whatever I wanted, be whatever I wanted. It would be easy. Becoming <i>president</i> would probably be easy. Robbing banks, ruling the world, anything would just be...easy. Even learning things had been easy, while I still bothered to do that. Basically, I suddenly realised I could have anything I wanted from the world, only to find myself wanting nothing at all. And the world which had been turning progressively less interesting for years suddenly became completely grey.''

His words dried there. He wasn't sure how he had managed to talk for as long as he had anyway. Somehow, put like this, the things hurting him seemed... small. Irrelevant. Like they shouldn't really be hurting him at all. But they still hurt. They still cut deep inside his soul, the fear, he pain, and he knew that there were other things ailing him as well. Thoughts of pretty boys under the bleachers came into mind, but he found himself pushing them away again. He had talked enough today. He could not expose that side of himself to the light of day and not break again, not today at least. Some day, perhaps. Today, today he had talked about hate and boredom, and made himself feel broken, insignificantly lost and just a little bit stupid. It was enough for one day, he decided, turning himself towards Hari from whom he had turned away at some point of his story, and waiting for his judgement, his hands never still as they continued to rip sandwich he had grabbed into tinny, almost invisible pieces.

''Well, to be fair'', Sebastian said, his smirk growing larger for a moment, returning to its original, cocky, arrogant form, as Sebastian spoke, the story Hari had told him hitting just a little bit too close to home-and by a little too close he meant straight through the windows and crashing down all the tightly locked doors-and thus still being processed by his mind. ''You did <i>come</i> kind of easy'', his joke, however, once told, fell kind of empty.

''Sorry'', he said a moment later, his smirk fading once again, his shoulders falling as he closed his eyes, dragging his long fingers over them as his head fell back in despair. ''I, just...'' It was a defence mechanism, he knew that. He would have, however, behaved just the same even if he did not. That's how much good knowing things did him.

''I don't like the idea of my life imitating some story some weird guy had wrote god knows how fucking long ago'', he said, turning away before returning back to Hari's touch, still craving heat, and comfort, coming from it.

''And you must admit I couldn't have done a better job of acting this one out even if I had actually tried to do it'', he spoke, his words coming somewhat easier to him now, despite the fact that they were still dealing with things he would rather not be talking about, not any more. Hadn't he just decided he had done enough talking for one day? His discomfort was definitely back now, fully powered and stronger than every after its somewhat short nap, which meant that Hari's lips looked very inviting all of a sudden and could they perhaps pretend this Dreaded Date Day had never happened? He wanted to go back to the time his joke would actually be funny, not falling down flat like that really drunk guy he had met while coming back from a party once, to run away from this place to somewhere he could just be...something else. At that thought, he felt the scales erupting all over his skin once again, and hissed. That was not what he meant!

It was just too much, both talking, and Hari's example, this story somebody could have very well written about most of his life, the way in which he had broken before, the tiredness in his bones. He could not face the day any more. Still, that didn't mean he wanted to turn into a legless reptilian for a day, and he reminded his body of that yet again.

''It's just... It is all easier said than done, okay?'', he added in the end, as he finally forced some food down his clenching throat. ''I cannot just wake up one day and say 'Hey, let's make everything interesting again!' when it clearly still <i>isn't</i>'', he spoke between bites, the previous bitterns of his voice having also made a comeback. ''It is different with you'', he added in the end. ''You just shine. Despite everything. That is why I love you.''