Private Finished Don't fear the reaper

"No," she responded. "You should be honest. It's not like everyone can't see through you. It's not that you want to be a better person, Hell, it's not that you were a bad person! It's that you won't own up to it. Not really. You say you do, but then you turn around and try to make it not seem like a big deal.

"You act like helping with the invasion makes it okay to steal people from their afterlives. Makes it okay that you killed how many people before all this?

I'm sure plenty of people are thankful you helped out, Charlie, but it doesn't stop them from being sore. People don't work that way. They aren't coin slots. No matter how many good deeds you put in, that isn't going to erase the bad ones you did."

When he asked if he was going to reap him, Shay looked down at the umbrella and gave him an odd look. Not exactly offended or amused, but somewhere between the two. "No. I told you I don't reap people. Regis and I don't work that way."

Shay wasn't sure where to put the umbrella now, so she kept it in hand. She didn't want to leave it lying around. Least of all here, to someone who had claimed to have taken reaper scythes and did something with the souls connected to them. Shay wasn't sure of the truth to those words, but she didn't want to test the theory.

"Being liked isn't easy for everyone. Even when you lie. People just want to know you're genuine with them, Charlie. And you very much are not. They don't care if your an asshole so long as you own up to the things you do. We're all angrier you act like what bothers us isn't a big deal.

"The bonfire? That was a big deal to me. I didn't care much about being called an alcoholic, but I've been a fuck up enough. No reason to give Angelo any more reasons to think I'm screwed in the head permanently."

Shay rubbed her temples. "Just be you. Everyone can see through the bullshit anyway. You're not exactly a great liar, and you don't know people well enough to manipulate them."

Then Shay paused and stared at Charlie as if he'd just spit in her food at a five-star restaurant. "You're really not sorry," she pointed out. "If you were really sorry, you'd understand why I was pissed. Why so many people were pissed. Even if it hadn't been tangible to you, that was our time to grieve. Our time to remember things fondly. If you couldn't be arsed to give a fuck, then leave next time."

Shay remembered Nick there. That stupid face she'd tried to ignore. Words in her ears drowned out by anger and people and Theo. Her scowl deepened.

"You're never going to get it. You don't care enough to get it. You were human, and you can't think like an immortal but you also not human anymore. You just hate how lonely it all turned out, this pursuit for knowledge.

"You think, oh, maybe I can fix it now and make friends and have everything I ever wanted. But no. Life does have karma. You thought by escaping death and Reapers and blades that you never had to pay for what you did?"

Shay shook her head and laughed bitterly. "This, Charlie, this is your bullshit afterlife. This is your punishment. That sin will always hang over you. No one will forget it, no matter how much you make yourself a hero. You can't act like they're in the wrong or they're cruel for it. Not after what you've done and continue to do."

Shay looked down at her umbrella again and glowered at it, sighed and sat back down seeming out of energy. She stared listlessly across the room.

"So what will it be? You're either going to defend yourself, try and kill me, or act all down in the dumps. I've been through this song and dance too many times. If you're going to try and hit me, just let me warn you I hit back."

"That's the reason humans don't like becoming immortal," Shay told him, drained. "yes, that's the price of immortality."

Shay rubbed her face. She really hated her job. Life was an unfair mess. Blah, blah, blah. At least she had Theo and Derry and Angelo. She turned her face to look at Charlie, not particularly moved by anything she saw on his face. It was just another one of those heartbreaking 'job' moments. Regis was right; you got numb to them after awhile.

"Some cycles can't be broken," she told him. "Grief is, unfortunately, one of them. And I don't know. Because people do stupid shit. And because you don't love me, you probably don't even care for me beyond the fact that I didn't try to kill you when we met. Plenty of people kill things that get in their way. My cosmic job is getting in people's way, so you can see why I might jump to the conclusion of death or assault."

"No. Owning up to something is not lying about it, not getting mad at people who are upset by it. It just is what it is. You are what you are. There's no need to blurt it all out all the time. No need to tuck it away. It is what it is."

Shay understood. She did. She'd felt hatred, unlike anything most people felt. She felt love the same way. She'd always used to think it was normal for other people but she knew better now. She'd wanted to do unspeakable things to people who probably didn't deserve it.

"I don't want to ask anything," she said, sounding incredibly tired by the prospect. "I already know what I need to. I can hear it. I hear it everywhere. On everyone. I don't want to have to hear more of it. I get tired of hearing it. I can't help you with those things. There are too many parts of a path I can't walk a person through..."

Shay stared longingly at the door. She wanted to go home to Derry. To cuddle with him and hug him until his scent brought her back to this place. To the present. To the good things.

Sometimes she missed the danger while she was away from it, but she never missed this part of it all. The quiet before the storm. The heartbrokenness. She hated feeling all that.

Shay stood when Charlie did and watched him pick up the teapot. She found herself staring at the rot encompassing the table where his hands had been and noted it.

"Afraid of you?" she asked with a kind of laugh. "It takes a lot to scare me." Then Shay paused and moved over to the door, opened it and looked over her shoulder.

"Yes, I am sick of this conversation though. I miss my fiance. I want to go see him. I want to plan my wedding. I want to have a kid. I don't want to be stuck with all these older people's problems. I didn't ask for this. You did, but I didn't."

She stared at him a moment longer, contemplative. "You know, my ex-boyfriend Logan used to do that same shit. That emotionally abusive stuff. He was more angry about it, but he'd act all sad all the same and get me to comfort him. I had a family or two that used to do that too..... someone on the Rosales as well."

Silence. Then, Shay shook her head. "Really hate it when people do that. I'll talk to you later."

And with that, Shay shut the door on her way out.