Private Finished Dire Warnings

Shay shook her head, even as she agreed with him. "Yes, most people are good. That is why I help them, even when they annoy me. That's why I even help the "bad" ones. But good people do bad, stupid things, and death does not discriminate between the wicked and the innocent.

"Would it have been any worse of me to kill the wolves for holding us all captive? Hurting many of us? Threatening us? Getting two innocent children shot down and another wounded? For hurting people themselves."

Shay didn't smile; she looked solemn. "No. We don't get to decide what is good or bad based on our different perceptions of the world. I will agree with you that life is dear, but so is death. And neither exists without the other."

When he defended his actions, Shay did smile, just a little. It didn't hold any humor, though. "Yes. For family. So they could have money. That's what organized crime is all about. They preach family, but it's about money. Just like Klaus preached family when it was never about family.

"Charlie thought genocide was the right thing because human were scum. That doesn't make him right, but it doesn't make you right, either. You're all hiding behind the idea that what you're doing is the right thing. Or that it had some meaning. I'm willing to admit I'd play "bad guy" for the people I love and I won't sweeten it up by saying I felt I had no other choice. I know it would just be the quickest choice. I'd sooner take on the guilt and the burden just as it is."

Shay thought about this. "They do to an extent. But a hitman would say the same thing. He did it for his family. So why do you think you were better than that?

"Viewing people as bad guys or good guys is contrived. It lets you believe you did the right thing. They were going to die anyway. They were bad people. Yada, yadda, yadda. There are parts of this ideology I adhere to. There are certain wrongs I believe must be met with death. When someone refuses to allow any goodness into their heart."

Shay herself was a little frustrated. He was looking at her like she was a monster. It hurt. It scared her. She wondered if she'd ever cared to openly say such things to Fitz if he'd look at her the same way too and made a mental note to do so before getting deep into this engagement process.

"And yes. I do. I should take guilt or burden of the bad things I would do. I choose to do many good things, and I've chosen not to hurt people even when it would have been the easier option because that wasn't who I wanted to be, but.... if I had not chosen to let those people live... that's on me. No matter what kind thing I do in the world, it will never subtract from that misdoing. The world doesn't work that way. It's not that black and white."

Shay searched his face. "And that scares you, doesn't it? 'Cause you think if you can't make up for all that bad then you must be bad." She paused, silence. She let Angelo take things in before adding. "I spoke to Charlie too. And I've spoken to many other "bad" people. Monsters who are afraid they may be monsters, well, they're no monsters, Angelo. I don't promise he'll never do something stupid or bad again, but I do know for whatever realize he feels guilty. Maybe not exactly remorseful, I'm not sure he can feel that anymore."

Shay stood up. She couldn't bear to sit there and stare into Angelo's eyes. He watched her like she was broken. But Shay was not broken, and she was sick of everyone telling her how she felt was wrong. It was just what she was. She didn't need anyone to come in and fix her.

"I'm not saying I think everything he did was fine. I'm not saying I agree with it. I'm just saying maybe you're projecting a bit. My job has and always will be balance Angelo. Balance needs the bad, the ugly, and the good. You may not be able to love those things, and you may never understand it, but I can. I can love and disapprove and hate everything all at the same time."

She played with her sleeves. She didn't want to hurt or to care what Angelo thought of her. She'd known going in that things would not be different here. She would still be a disappointment. A problem. A thing. A monster. Something bad.

"You know... I always feared I'd try to explain this and someone would give me that look. I can see it now. Why Reapers seem to always drift away from people. We seem so human, but then we're not. And we're not supposed to get close and emotional. It's a hell of a line the divine has drawn for us. You're lucky to be more human than me."

Shay sighed. "You think I'm some kind of monster now. You know... if that's what you think you should do something about it."

Shay looked over her shoulder at Angelo with his hand in his pocket. She was too distracted staring at that to reply right away. It wasn't his gun, she surmised. A rosary, maybe?

"How many people do I think Charlie has killed? I know. I can hear them all, remember? The last things they said or thought. Just like I hear yours. The answer is a fuck ton."

She wondered the difference between tolerating this darkness, embracing it, and all that. She closed her eyes and wished for an answer to appear. But they never did. She didn't have reasons for the whys. She only could do what she thought was the right thing to do. And that rarely aligned with what others thought was right.

"I do. I do have to embrace it. To an extent. How can I be expected to judge the evil in the world if I refuse to walk among it? I have no right to judge a thing until I know it. Truly know it. And I know these types of people. I know evil, and I know good."

She sighed, rubbed at a war-torn face, dark circles evident now. She never thought she'd have this conversation with anyone. It made her chest hurt. It reminded Shay how very much she didn't belong in this world.

"I understand. I'm not sure why you're telling me about Charlie unless you want me to do something about it. Which I guess I am. But I understand."

Part of Shay wanted to ask Angelo to shoot her. It seemed less punishment than to have to remember that look in his eye now when he saw her. She'd not even stripped herself bare, and he could already barely look at her.

Shay had never felt like such a monster, so ashamed, as she did at that moment. She thought if Fitz ended up looking at her like that, too... Well, that would fucking suck, wouldn't it?

"I told you not to adopt me, didn't I? It's a damn good thing I'm eighteen now. I talked about it all the way he did, didn't I?" It wasn't a challenge, the next thing she asked, but Shay was genuinely curious. "Are you waiting for the moment I snap now, too? And if I do, are you going to be the one with my black card?"

He was looking worse the longer they talked about it. Shay turned to him and ambled over. She wondered if he had his gun on him then, would he have been itching to grab it? She leaned over and kissed his forehead, just a brush of lips to skin before standing tall and lying a hand on his shoulder, trying to smile at him.

"You're a good person, Angelo," Shay said and squeezed his shoulder a little. "That's why I knew you should never have taken me in. You're too normal. I am not. I'd ruin you, or scare you. Look at your face! It's like you're staring at this crazed animal in the zoo."

She sighed. "I'll be careful. I'm a lot more careful than I used to be. I don't think he'd do anything to me of all people, but even if he does, I have something that can protect me from him. Don't worry about me, okay?"

Be forgiven? Shay wondered at what she was meant to be forgiven for? This was to her, yeah?

"I don't need to be forgiven for anything, Angelo. I don't ask for forgiveness when I do what I mean. And who would I ask forgiveness to, anyway? God?" She laughed a little, trying not to belittle his beliefs but all the same... God. Like they'd ever been there for her. "I ask forgiveness to those I have wronged. Last I checked, I haven't wronged you."

Her frown deepened. "I don't need to be fixed, Angelo, 'cause I'm not broken. This is who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You're either going to accept that or you won't. Maybe one day you'll show me all of you, too. Maybe one day you can accept me for all I am. Klaus and Vito never could. Most people can't. It's fine. I'll be fine even if you can't."