Death By Irony

It was the pain that dragged Cass out of her thick, dreamless sleep. The base of her spine was absolutely killing her, like the bone would snap at any moment. Groggy and disoriented, she uncurled before even opening her eyes, instinctively assuming movement would cure it. It helped, but there was no denying that she was still in a good deal of pain; she must have pulled it yesterday. Only then did the blissful ignorance of the transition from sleep to wakefulness erode, and she remembered the events of the previous day as though she'd never forgotten them. Her mood fell again, particularly when she realised that her spine wasn't the only part of her bitching about the night before. Groaning quietly, she struggled upright and stretched - first her arms, then her legs. Stretching hurt even more, but it was necessary if she wanted to be able to move. Fordren was asleep beside her, and with her premonition in mind, anxiety woke her up completely - but he was breathing, and through the link he seemed fine. The carcass by the fire was almost gone. Judging by the look of it, scavengers had taken a chance and gotten to it after all. Well, so long as they didn't eat her, she was cool with it.

The fire had burned down to a shallow pit of ash and red coals, and the snow had stopped. Her body, in addition to aching, was ridiculously stiff. She crawled out of the hovel, arms around herself again, and took a few practice steps. The pain combined with the smell of her absolutely ruined clothes made her more anxious than ever to get home. And holy crap, she had work tonight! Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Grabbing a handful of snow, Cass held it over the fire to help melt it, using the cold water to rinse her face and mouth. Another few handfuls were drunk; it tasted sharper than proper water, and was probably acidic or something from pollution, but she was thirsty. Rolling her head tentatively from one shoulder to the other, Cass straightened, drying her hands on the back of her jeans. "Fordren," she called, her voice somewhat hoarse from disuse. "Sun's up, storm's over. Let's get out of this hellhole."

Rubbing her hands against her arms, she looked to the hollow in order to gather up her belongings, only to realise that all she had were her clothes and compass. She let herself feel a little proud for surviving with nothing but her brains and bloody-minded determinations, then kicked snow and dirt into the firepit. It would stop it smoking too much and giving away their position; Cass hadn't forgotten how dangerous the forest was. "How're you feeling?"

Instead of answering, Cass gave him a Look. It deserved the capital; with one narrow-eyed expression, she conveyed her reaction in a way words couldn't. It clearly stated what you've suggested is so mind-numbingly stupid, misjudged, and/or repugnant, that it's a wonder your body manages to breathe regularly enough to keep you alive. It was seen by few people, partly because it proved that Cass was capable of actually having expressions, and the rarity only improved its effectiveness. She would be carried around like a frail princess when she was a corpse who couldn't argue. Brushing at a dead leaf stuck to her leg, Cass consulted her compass and started moving. She'd been right the night before when anticipating her muscle exhaustion; had they been near civilisation, she'd have had a pint of milk before sleeping to reduce the pain. Without it, and with anti-inflammatories a forest away, she was prepared to hobble out.

A moment after Cass started moving, she stopped. This time, her typical apathetic expression remained, though her eyes shifted around. "Erm. Wait here," she said, turning and striking into the forest at random. And stay out of my mind! Cass added, forcefully. Now that there were no other pressing concerns, she devoted time to trying to create a barrier - a wall around her thoughts - to build some privacy. Because it was morning, and she needed to pee. There were some things one had to be truly alone for.

When she returned, perturbed by the lack of toilet paper in the wilderness, her cheeks had turned faintly pink. She muttered, "Alright, let's go," and lifted one of the branches lining the pit. It was a solid, reassuring weight in her hand, and she swung it at plants that hung across her path as she followed the compass.

She toyed with the idea of smacking Fordren with her branch, but concluded that assaulting angels constituted a one-way ticket to hell. Of course, Cass was probably going there anyway, so she put the idea in reserve for the time being. It was just so infuriating, being regarded as something delicate and puny. She knew her own limitations, but she'd eaten, rested and only had to walk for an hour. Maybe Fordren had little experience with pain, hazarding all pain equal and debilitating; delayed onset muscle soreness wasn't exactly a joyride, but it wasn't hospitalisation-standard. After some painkillers she'd go to work, and stay on her feet for eight hours straight - something she did on a daily basis. Anyway, she needed the money if she had any hope of making rent this month.

"Firstly, my name is Cass." The branch knocked a gnarled vine out of her way as she pressed on, not wasting another second in the forest. "Secondly, if you don't stop treating me like a dainty damsel in distress, I am going to hit you in the face with this and wait for you to choke on your own nose-blood."

Hesitating fractionally to get the steel toe of her boot unstuck - it had crept in under a mossy stone - she leaned a little on the branch as she walked. "I'll worry about my physical condition, thanks. You just wander along listening to the pretty birds and marvelling at the glorious sun, or whatever."

Wh- she just said her name was Cass! Was there something dreadfully wrong with his hearing? It was one damned syllable! Jeez, if it wasn't her surname plus honourific, it was full first name despite instructions. Then she got to hear him take seriously her pointed remarks about birds and sunshine, and her lip curled derisively as she walked, now using her stick to sweep the snowy debris from her path and avoid slipping or tripping. When he stopped not long into the journey, she gave a slightly theatrical sigh and turned her head to see what sickeningly Disney thing he planned to do now. She watched the squirrel bite him and leave and appeared to have no reaction at all until he cried out.

Then she laughed her ass off.

Her laugh was sharp and piercing, but also pleasantly musical unless she snorted, which thankfully didn't happen this time. What did happen, however, was her decision to resume walking while still laughing, which resulted in her immediately bumping into a tree face-first. Slightly stunned, she backtracked and felt her nose cautiously, before resuming her laughter a little quieter. Sure, it was her own stupidity and she ought to have been embarrassed, but... it was kinda funny.

"If we're finished being attacked by the scenery, could we get going?" she asked, scratching the back of her neck as she plotted out a new course around the tree. "I get that nature's fantabulous and awesome, but if I don't get a cup of coffee soon I'll probably blow it up."

God. Almighty.

It was like being stuck with... with... with every Disney hero rolled into one enormous bundle of uber-positive fluffy musical sweetness. Someone who watched The Sound of Music for fun. Cass didn't think she could stand it much longer; she swept the branch across her path violently, walking faster than before. Most of all, though, she worked on building the barrier in her mind, more determined than ever to block out all things Fordren and lock in all things Cass. He had to be doing this on purpose, surely! She'd threatened to make him choke on his own nose-blood. That was obviously uncomplementary to sugar and spice and all things goddamn friggin' nice. She rubbed her forehead with her free hand, anticipating a headache after prolonged exposure to someone this sickening.

"How about we just walk in silence?" Cass suggested, standing on a disgusting black beetle that scuttled in front of her. "Then maybe we'll both make it out of here alive."

If not, one of them clearly had to die, and she wasn't bothered about who.