count the crows

Ones head would probably explode from all of the talk about dicks and humping roofs. Cross on the other hand looked apalled that this guy thought he could hump things better than him. He was just a scrawny little noodle--who was now known as Tyberius. He snorted at the name that sounded like a cat who thought it was masculine...Just like this guy. He would bet a week's worth of lunch that this scrawny guy had never humped anything in his life. Cross had humped many things in his lifetime; trees mostly and a few beautiful legs before he ended up being pepper sprayed or tasered. While he admit that he had never humped a roof in his life, he had enough humping experience under his belt to take this challenge and rub Tyberius all over the floor with it!

He narrowed his eyes at Tyberius...Boy, that name was going to be a mouthful.

"Yeah, Towel-butt? Well at least i'm the bigger dick than you!" he boasted, emphasizing this statement with a meaty thumb jabbed into his own chest. He stepped back and took a deep breath. It looked like he was concentrating...No, really he was concentrating like something fierce. "I'm the best humper there is, damnit!" He suddenly got down onto the ground in his 'ready' position. Oh yes, he was going to start this off first!

His hips thrust against the roof with a loud thud.

"This is my roof!"

HUMP.

"There are many roofs, but this one is mine!"

HUMP! The roof cracked beneath his mighty hips! He roared triumphantly! There was no way towel-butt was going to trump him on this roof and he was going to claim all the other roofs the same way. Screw trying to jump off of the roof; this way was better! It established dominance in that manly, alpha way.

Hey, at least they weren't having a pissing contest.

Indeed these bruises were going to be worth it. They were the bruises made from love and justice! The roof was getting them both at the same time with each slam of the hips. It was about the fifth thrust that his hips were beginning to hurt and he was going to end up crawling away from this challenge. He grit his teeth. His dong was in true pain and it was a good thing he wasn't thinking about Haleth during this time...That would have been bad. It was a good thing Haleth wasn't an enormous roof...with nice legs...and one hell of a ra--

THRUST

Oh GOD he needed to calm down again. His face turned blue and he shook from the sheer pain that time. Normally he was an unstoppable man! Tear his arm off? He'll punch you and re-attach it. Break his leg? He'd just realign it and use that leg to kick you in the face! Being semi-hard and slamming his hips against solid concrete with full force? That made him waiver just a little. Haleth was ruining his challenge! If he lost this, Haleth was the one to blame.

Was it possible to break his penis?

Through the pain and tremors of wrong radiating from his groin, he smirked confidently--Triumphantly at his adversary! "Hahahah! See if you can best me, boy! Only the manliest of men can stand above others!" He laughed boldly, a wise move in hiding his pain! He probably looked like a crazed man on a mission!...

...Meanwhile on the floor below the roof, people began to worriedly focus their attention upon the roof, wondering what could possibly be up there causing the ceiling to give in.

Cross’ face did not redden one bit. In fact, he was proud of his humps. They weren’t little or subtle…Oh no, they were the humps of a man—A man destined to be the very best! Only limp noodles blushed when they humped inanimate objects. Hey, it was better than trying to hump the mail box just outside the academy. That would literally be in front of everyone! Cross had no shame, however…

He was going to regret ever challenging the best humper on the island! After all, he had over eighty years of humping random things! It was first the trees, but after he continuously caught splinters, he moved onto other better things. Poles, cars (never through the gas tank), even the stereotypical mailboxes! The blue ones were by far his favorite. There was of course…Ahem…The beautiful legs of random women, but he forced himself to stop that after several random nights in jail for public indecency.

This noodle had nothing on him! It was all talk! Humping King. He burst out laughing with an obnoxious ”BWAHAHAHAH!” Which caused several people to pause on campus. Little did the two notice, the roof was slowly beginning to…well, sink. Most likely they didn’t notice the subtle cracking either because of how loud both Cross’ mouth was and the loud ‘thumps’ of their hips smacking against the roof. ”We’ll see who’s the real FOOL!” he put all of his effort into this hump, hips practically smashing against the roof that…caved in. The hole was big enough to quickly swallow them both up. Cross was completely caught off guard because roofs were supposed to handle that kind of superior power. The big lug cried out as he fell, missing his window to catch himself and fell into the next floor, face first. It was a perfect one! Face impacted first, supporting all of that muscle weight. Legs flew afterward, bending his body backwards like a perfect…Hmm, what did kids call it nowadays? Oh, right! “The Scorpion”. Even if he didn’t intend on it, the Scorpion was a perfect ten.

Luckily, people were expecting something to happen so everyone had gotten away safely. What they didn’t expect was the giant to appear. Some were confused, others were angry that he once again destroyed school property…And the nerds? They looked on in awe.

That moment of awkward silence would have been disturbed if he weren’t so busy with the ground. He muttered some unintelligent gibberish that was supposed to sound like this is the best pose ever. Which was true! Cross had no idea his spine could been so far backwards like this, but he had a little help from the fall. Speaking of the whole situation, there was a nice breeze coming from the large hole in the roof. Students stared up at the hole in awe. What did they do to create such a hole? Well, the two men that dropped from the heavens squirmed and such, but Cross froze when Ty decided to take the credit for the hole; never mind the asshole comment.

What.

His legs twitched and eventually he uncurled from the scorpion pose, lifting his dirt covered face and taking in a deep breath for the first time since they hit the next floor down. ”Wh-What..?!” He grumbled and managed to push himself off of the floor, frowning down at his fallen opponent. ”What’re you talking about? I was the one that broke the floor! You didn’t even hump it! YOU looked like a limp noodle, all wiggling n’ shit!” he emphasized by wiggling his hand all over the place. While Cross started up the argument, students around them now looked confused and horrified at the same time. THAT was caused by..humping?

Cross stood up to his full height now and tilted his head left. Crack.

Then he tilted his head right. CRRRACK.

Then he rolled his neck all the way around, a disturbing series of crunching echoing from his bones. Ah, well. No big deal. Almost got his neck broken from the fall, but that was nothing! What was something to be bothered about was Tyberius taking all the street cred for busting in the roof. He wasn’t about to back down from this…Even with an important member of staff honing in. With Cross’ rotten luck, he had his back faced away from the incoming threat, choosing to thrust his hips forward and expose the white expanse of dust contrasting sharply against the crotch region of his blue pants. He didn’t even bother to brush it off! This was his evidence and nobody was going to get rid of it but him. This was proof that he was the one to cave the roof in. Okay, maybe Tyberius helped in flopping against it like a fish, but he did the most damage, dammit!

”HAHAHAH, WHAT? I’m sorry, what was that?” he put a massive hand to his ear and leaned in a little. ”You said something about me teaching you how to hump on the roof? Why, you’re welcome! I’m so happy you can approach pros like me! HAHAHAH!” his obnoxious laughter filled the hallway and…Students began to part for the staff member who was now…right behind of the big bold wolf.