Private Finished An Unexpected Chat

"There was no improper order. I knew when I came back here it would only be temporary. They would find a new battleground. Aside from school, I have no roots here. I certainly do not fit here. Going home is my duty. That never changed."

Even talking, Maarab had a need for action. Hearing his words out loud was helping him sort them out, but he was less than pleased with the result. His wings beat so hard against his chair Felen might be able to hear them, even if they were not visible.

"All this reading has - ha! - it has infected me. When did this is the way it is stop being a good answer? I should not be having these thoughts. Soon I will have to make a decision and it should not even be a decision. I need to stop this. "

Maarab didn't expect Felen to have an answer, not really. He just needed to get the words out of his head, spoke them rapidfire, barely pausing. If he didn't tell someone, he thought he might snap with the pressure, assuming he hadn't already. And maybe an ex-soldier would understand a little.

"A cause?" Maarab was momentarily caught off guard by the idea. Then he shook his head with a grimace. "That is exactly the kind of question I should not be asking. There was never any need for - something more than orders. We are at war. There will always be fighting - what else is there?"

Maarab glanced around again, restless. He could use a fight at the moment. This talking was not calming him down at all. "This pause has been so long, I mistakenly believed my father found me more useful here. And I have... changed. Enough that I have not returned home on my own. It seemed unnecessary with him in my head, and risked more... lessons...ha!" A couple more feathers fell to the ground at the memory.

"But I have been commanded to return. And I think my father, though weapons are not irreplaceable, would not send for me only to waste time ripping the other slice of my soul out. I - this should be simple. I am thinking to o much. It is not good for me. "

"That is true. And I may have passed the point where I could say it was all for training. There is no war here, but there is still fighting. If I stayed..." Maarab covered his missing eye with his left hand, pressing as if his head pained him. He hissed out, "It is much easier to fight a person than an - an idea!"

Felen glaring at him made Maarab take notice. It was obvious even with his limited social skills that this mattered to the other man. "A meat grinder - ha! - a meat grinder is an accurate description of home, even more than the battlefield. Demons, we do not usually die permanently. Killing each other is just how we heal. There are worse things.. but why - the way you act - I do not understand why you would - I think you are trying to help me and I do not know why. "

Maarab stood up as well when Felen did. "Deciding for myself was always punished and I am not sure what is going to happen. I did not expect advice. I wanted..." He shrugged, at a loss for words. "It is a problem I have not figured out how to solve by stabbing it." Glancing around he added quieter, "And you let me talk."

"Maybe. It was not planned but-" Maarab shrugged again in answer. "I do not know either. I think few people would attempt to understand. Even on this island filled with strange ideas. It at least let me put some things in words instead of stuck in my head."

Maarab hesitated only briefly before accepting the handshake, murmuring, "Respect is universal," almost to himself. "That support would be a weakness at home.. I am not home right now. It would be foolish not to adapt to my surroundings." He laughed uneasily at the admission, before taking a breath. "If circumstances allow.. I think I would like another less serious talk some time."