Whittaker Reviews

Whittaker Reviews: Hercules Against The Moon Men

POSTED ON DATE (Nov 12, 2015)

Let's get right down to business. Hercules Against The Moon Men is a classic example of "what you see is what you get". One look at the picture up above really tells you all you need to know: Hercules! Space! Aliens! Spikes! Muscles! Beards! A gorilla! What more do you need to ask for!? You look at this damn thing and you know you're going to have a good time. You're gonna be watching the most B Movie-est of B Movie schlock. I love it. I love it so much.

Of course, the fact remains that this is not a good movie. Like I said, this is schlock. This is the kind of stuff that you point at and laugh mercilessly. You may recognize this movie from Mystery Science Theatre 3000. If you're not familiar with it, I highly recommend checking it out. MST 3K is a real hoot to watch, and it generally does what I do when I watch these movies, only you get to see it. It also covers many of the same themes that I like to cover here.

Anyways, we ought to get right into the nitty gritty of this movie. Are you pumped? I'm pumped. Let's get this show on the road. Hercules Against The Moon Men begins with...

No. You know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it. I can't focus on this review. Not when there is an abomination out there, an injustice against the name of Hercules that must be addressed. Hercules Against The Moon Men is better than some other Hercules movies I've seen. You know why? Because it actually has fucking Hercules in it. Hercules is a character in Hercules Against The Moon Men. You know what movie Hercules isn't a character in?



THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Seriously, what the fuck am I looking at? This isn't Hercules saving Christmas! This is some jackass kid and his fucking dog! You know how many "kid and his dog" movies there are!? Hercules Saves Christmas is the biggest lie in Kid And His Stupid Pet movie history since Cop Dog turned out to be about a Ghost Dog. Fuck's sakes. You know where Hercules is in this movie!? Do you!? HE FUCKIN' ISN'T. Hercules is the name of the FUCKING DOG.

Oh, and I'm not even close to done with this fucking dog. Because this fucking fleabag is the biggest , most self-important Gary Stu in media that I've ever seen since Prequel Anakin Skywalker. And he doesn't even save Christmas! He just tries to get some jerk orphan off the naughty list! And he doesn't offer any actual reason why, no. The second it's his turn to speak he gives a great big speech that can be summed up as "awwww, c'mooooooon... guuuuyyyyyyyyys... it's Christmaaaaaaaas". If this movie was any sort of realistic that kid would then squander this unwarranted second chance on... I don't know what the fuck the gateway drug for troubled G movie kids is. Pogs or some shit. Yeah. He'd blow everything on Pogs and he wouldn't be the slightest bit sorry.

But hey, Hercules is really important and really smart and the true meaning of fucking Christmas. Santa is practically cowed in his presence. You know short of messiahs and deities I'm pretty sure Santa is supposed to be, I don't know, THE FUCKING AUTHORITY ON CHRISTMAS. How does Hercules even have this kind of pull? He's a half breed. Yeah, I forgot to mention. Hercules is half elf, half dog. How the fuck? Even a passing thought on that matter blows it apart! How does this shit happen!? Did an elf fuck a dog, did a dog fuck an elf!? WHO FUCKED WHO, HERE!? Oh my god the more I think about this fucking shitheap of a movie the more enraged and disgusted I get. UGH!

So all in all Hercules Against The Moon Men was okay.