Private Finished Shattered

There were two very different subjects at hand, and Vito opted to tackle them one at a time.

"I think it's helpful to reframe things, and I'd like you to try and give both scenarios some thought. First: Would you expect someone to come out to you as heterosexual? Would you expect them to sit you down and owe you that truth?"

That was option one - for those who felt about it as an identity. But there was also option two, for those who felt that it was a medical condition. Neither option was invalid, and Vito preferred to present both options.

"Second: Would you expect someone to come out to you as having a yeast infection? Would you expect someone to sit you down and owe you that truth?"

Xera's reaction was almost painfully common: the idea that they had to disclose that they were trans.

But it wasn't really the truth. No matter how they thought about it, they didn't owe that to anyone. No one—friend, stranger or otherwise—needed to know that.

"As for your mother... I think it's helpful to think about best, worst, and realistic scenarios. What's the worst response she could give? What's the best? And what feels likely to happen? Giving an identity to those can help you determine what you're willing to accept. What is or isn't worth it." He also found that—while not universal—most people's worst case scenario tended to be a lot less terrifying once it was written down. Still awful, of course, but less horrifying.

"Family is a very similar subject," Vito said. "Some people insist you should come out to them. Some people think you have no obligation. The common advice, which I both give and hear regularly, is that it's case by case. Only you know your family: you know their reactions, and you know why you chose to tell them.

"That said, often the advice is to wait until you're a legal adult for, in many cases, the opposite reason of what you said. When you're eighteen, you can choose to leave. You have autonomy, and cannot be forced back into an unsafe situation. A minor who comes out risks being victimized in a variety of awful ways, and they have limited escape options, especially if local law enforcement are unsympathetic. There have unfortunately been plenty of cases where an abused LGBT minor escapes from an abusive home, only to have the police return them when they get caught."

There was no telling what would have happened if Xera had waited, but he doubted things would have turned out much better.

"Have you ever asked her thoughts about all this? In a private, one-on-one chat specifically, I mean. In a group situation, people feel obligated to toe the line, but one on one..."

Just because she thought they were one on one didn't mean they were, and it seemed that Xera clued in on that fact as she said it. Her father could be watching. She could be overheard, depending on how the chats happened.

But there were two other things to talk about, and Vito addressed them both in turn.

"The first thing I will point out is that some parents are unfortunately like that. They don't have a strong opinion against something, but they also aren't willing to stand up for it, either. It's an unfortunately common relationship dynamic, where one parent simply allows the other full control over a situation. It's the sort of thing that's often explored during therapy for the person in question, but it's harder to deal with from an outside point of view. In the end, the only person I can offer real advice to is you. I can speculate as to why people do things, but I can't give you any answers, and in this case, it might be better to focus on your reactions to things, and what you want to do."

Which really lead nicely to the second part of the conversation: dropping in unannounced.

"I think, in a situation like this, it's important to think about the best case scenario, the worst case scenario, and the most likely scenario. Those three things will help you determine the best course of action."

It was truly hard for Vito to tell if Xera was overly hopeful, or if her home life with her family was genuinely positive. For many trans teenagers, the worst case scenario was not being cut off in an environment where they would be able to get on just fine. For many, it was going homeless. For some, it was facing horrors like conversion therapy or violence.

In the wider context, Xera's worst case scenario was someone else's best case scenario.

"It sounds as if, as a community, there shouldn't be any issues with you coming out. There are a lot of other possibilities, though: your father begrudgingly accepting you back. Your father coming to terms with it. Just showing up does have its risks, though - you'd want to make absolutely sure you had a way to return to the island in case of an emergency, for example. You'd want to let other people know where and when you were going."

But realistically, Vito didn't see dropping by on no warning to be a particularly appealing option.

"Something you might consider is directly confronting your father over the phone, or over a call. There's a tendency to try and avoid difficult subjects, to beat around the bush, and sometimes being direct is the best way to get to the heart of things. Rather than a long introduction, sending a letter--or some other communication you can know he's received--laying out your case. That you feel like you've been cut off in all but name. That his response--or lack of one, in many cases, since you said he's avoiding a real talk--is damaging your relationship with others. Putting the ball in his court will be telling. If he's faced with that and still says nothing... then you will simply have to cut him out of your calculations for reconciling with your family entirely."

"For children it's different, but for adults, it's often an important fact to remember that just because someone in the family cuts you off doesn't mean everyone does. Your father is an adult, and he can make his own choices, for good or bad... but he doesn't get to make the same choice for your mother, or for the other members of your community. It's possible--even likely--that some will reject you. But it's also reasonable to assume that some will stand by you. Accepting that is difficult, but by the end of it you'll have a much better understanding of your situation. Even if everyone rejects you, that gives you new information.

"People often mistake closure for something granted by the person who has harmed you, but closure is something that comes from within. It involves you thinking about a situation and thinking about what you need to come to a conclusion. In a case like yours, confronting your father will give you closure, even if the result isn't what you might hope for. It's still an answer, in other words."

Vito talked about closure a lot, and considered it to be one of the main things that deserved saying. It came up so often, both on the island and off, and he didn't think it could ever be said enough.