"Barcelona is where my grandma lives. Er, Klaus' mom. So it would make more sense if I asked papa if I could go there. Plus, I've been learning Spanish. Vito and Klaus and the family would know where I was, you know. They'd have to. And no. Excuse you. I don't expect you to talk me out of it."
Shay stopped looking at him to stare at the ceiling instead, resting back on the couch she was leaning on. "They'll notice. They'll move on. It'll be fine. Better. That's the kind of shit you learn at the orphanage, man. You're replaceable. Always have been. Always will be. Don't get attached."
Shay took the water with quiet thanks and drank from it while Desmond did exactly what he wasn't going to do. Hm. Like he wasn't going to pry. It was a good question. The natural order of it all, considering everything. There was more. There always was. A story behind every bad decision. Behind every runaway.
Shay turned her head to stare at him again, expression dull. "Everything. Look, I know almost everyone around here can't see if, 'cause they're blind as fuck, but I'm a real danger.
"Everyone sits there and thinks I search out weird people and dangerous situations because I'm some idiot kid with too big a fascination. That's only half of it. Danger and I are magnets. We'll always collide. Even if I hide from it, it will find me. That's what's always happened. Even when I was too young to understand.
"I'm some fucked up little orphan nobody who was given some big last name and about one hundred speculations on me and what I do. It's all pretty simple, in the end, though. I ruin people. I destroy the people I love and the people who're around me too long. Even if I don't want to.
"They wanna protect me, so they try to keep me away from all the scary monsters, and that's just worse for me. Like being real fucking cold inside. Empty. Depressed. I'm nothing without that darkness.
"And, yeah, most of it is my fault. I mean, sure, it's what I am. But what I am is shitty. But then I had to go and get fucking connected on the existential job and it all just... led here.
"I could give details but... do they matter anymore?"
♠♠♠
Desmond just generally let her talk. He didn't interrupt Shay at all and only just listened. He soaked up all this new info like the sponge he was. His thoughts went a few places here and there mostly about what he was going to eat for the day and if roadkill squirrel was better than cold hard trash fries. It went back to Shay then to weed and finally his thoughts returned to Shay midway through her talking.
When she finished, Desmond gave her a look as if asking was she done. If no more was coming out of her he would take this chance to speak. "Wow, movie material right there. Like if you texted this to my phone...it would be like a entire essay."
"Okay but all jokes aside. It seems you are in some heavy shit right now. Usually I'd offer weed and let people spill their guts out like there was no tomorrow and try to input my personal experience in there to help them know that, Hey sorta been there once before!" Taking a pause he began to think if he should do that. "For you kid, I'm going to give you the stop fucking worrying about this stuff." There was a lot of things he can poke at and figure out now thanks to her.
So he started off with a few basic questions. "Who did you hurt? Also explain the existential job connection thingy to me and....I was going to give you a sappy story about a young handsome and very charming kid with snow white hair who lived in the orphanage for you to know that I get the whole orphanage thing, but...eeeeeeeeeeeh. Do you really care to know about that crap? I think not!" Honestly he was taking this really serious it is just that his personality just doesn't seem serious!
Desmond got a few crackers and ate those along with sipping from his bottle of water. Once done he would move on "Let me be blunt. This seems like you are going to run away from your shit instead of taking it by the family jewls. Like moving away is actually easier than dealing with it. Now the way you are approaching everything is well...eeeeh. Slightly not thought out well."
"So you and danger are magnets right? All the things here isn't simply going to leave you just cause you decided to ditch it. It will follow you. Then once you are in Barcelona are you just going to deprive yourself of friends and people? If so that's very fucking sad but if not....then you will repeat this cycle of misery and pain leading up to another situation like this." Desmond plucked a few moths off of himself and shooed them away.
"So tell me Shay what will be different when you move away? Maybe I'm just one of those blind people who can't see and just not seeing what you are going to do differently from here. From my understanding if you run away from this you will probably just keep running. What's next after Barcelona? London? Turkey? Canada? Oh wait maybe even a whole different planet?!"
@Foxy
When she finished, Desmond gave her a look as if asking was she done. If no more was coming out of her he would take this chance to speak. "Wow, movie material right there. Like if you texted this to my phone...it would be like a entire essay."
"Okay but all jokes aside. It seems you are in some heavy shit right now. Usually I'd offer weed and let people spill their guts out like there was no tomorrow and try to input my personal experience in there to help them know that, Hey sorta been there once before!" Taking a pause he began to think if he should do that. "For you kid, I'm going to give you the stop fucking worrying about this stuff." There was a lot of things he can poke at and figure out now thanks to her.
So he started off with a few basic questions. "Who did you hurt? Also explain the existential job connection thingy to me and....I was going to give you a sappy story about a young handsome and very charming kid with snow white hair who lived in the orphanage for you to know that I get the whole orphanage thing, but...eeeeeeeeeeeh. Do you really care to know about that crap? I think not!" Honestly he was taking this really serious it is just that his personality just doesn't seem serious!
Desmond got a few crackers and ate those along with sipping from his bottle of water. Once done he would move on "Let me be blunt. This seems like you are going to run away from your shit instead of taking it by the family jewls. Like moving away is actually easier than dealing with it. Now the way you are approaching everything is well...eeeeh. Slightly not thought out well."
"So you and danger are magnets right? All the things here isn't simply going to leave you just cause you decided to ditch it. It will follow you. Then once you are in Barcelona are you just going to deprive yourself of friends and people? If so that's very fucking sad but if not....then you will repeat this cycle of misery and pain leading up to another situation like this." Desmond plucked a few moths off of himself and shooed them away.
"So tell me Shay what will be different when you move away? Maybe I'm just one of those blind people who can't see and just not seeing what you are going to do differently from here. From my understanding if you run away from this you will probably just keep running. What's next after Barcelona? London? Turkey? Canada? Oh wait maybe even a whole different planet?!"
@Foxy
Shay's face heated up. Wasn't she supposed to talk that much? "I can talk less if you'd like. I just figured..." The girl rubbed the back of her neck and closed her eyes, so she didn't have to look at him. So she could forget where she was.
When he told her to stop caring (the same advice Vince had sort of given her) Shay's eyes snapped open, and she finally looked Desmond in the eye, incredulous. How could she stop caring? Was it that simple? Did you stop caring about the people you hurt? The damage you caused? Wouldn't that just make her selfish?
She hummed, set on answering his next questions. It felt, well, nice to open up about it all. Even if, at parts, Shay felt like an idiot. "Anyone I'm around. Like, Chloe Black. She got shot 'cause of me. Most people don't realize it because it's not directly me doing it. But I have this thing -- danger likes to find me. And when I'm around people enough they get caught up in it too. It's kind of like... well, like cancer really. It affects things without showing the source. You know? So, the cancer could be in your stomach or your heart, but it's your leg that's all wonky and fucked.
"As for the... job. I'm a Reaper. Well, half, but... it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time. I grew up thinking I was some type of witch because I didn't know my ancestry, and I still don't know half of it. But I know I'm a reaper and attached to death and change and shit. It's like, if I'm not doing certain things, my whole body is screaming and trying to tug me back on path. I.. don't really know where I stand on the whole 'mortal freewill' thing, to be completely honest. Or if my body is more dead than alive. Or even what would happen to my soul if I died."
Shay paused, listening to Desmond, still watching him. "I would kind of care to know. Did you ever get adopted?" It seemed to Shay that he hadn't, but life sometimes threw funny curved situations at people. Wow, this was all crooked as fuck.
You weren't supposed to ask your therapist about their life and their problems, but since when had 'supposed to' ever stopped Shay before?
Shay would admit it, if only to herself. Desmond was surprising her. He was giving some strangely solid advice here, even if it was like chilled water on her mental state. She was running away, she supposed. She had never quite thought of it in those terms, but she'd always known that was what she was doing.
"Yes," she admitted to him. "Yes, I planned not to get close to anyone. Not to make friends. Not to care. Theoretically speaking, that wouldn't stop anything, but it might save these people." Shay scrubbed her face to rid herself of the sensation of tears.
"And don't joke, I thought about the new planet thing. I thought about some lone planet, no population but me. Something survivable and very far away. Yes, I would keep running. I would keep running because there's some stupid, naive part of me that's hoping maybe, just maybe, I can outrun whatever it is that is inherently wrong with me. Maybe I'm not too late to fix." She breathed out deeply, sound thick with the threat of tears.
"You're not blind because you're not emotionally invested. People get mad at me for saying these things because they're scared, or they don't want me to go, or they think I'm selfish. After all, how can an orphans life not be perfect after they have a rich, loving family?
"But let's be real... there was a reason all those people sent me back before the Rosales'. I ruined them and things in their life, and they came to realize pretty fucking quick that I was a kid who'd seen and heard too much. I wasn't good. I was never good. And I'm not good now."
She let her hands drop from her face, looked at him pleadingly. Maybe somewhere in that stupid, goofy face, he had the answers for her. Answers that Shay felt she'd been searching for all her life.
"If I knew how to get my shit together. If I knew how to protect the people I love from me. I'd do it. Whatever it took, I'd do it. Even if it left me fucking dead inside. I don't want to be this, Desmond. I don't want to be this thing. And it's not like I can just stop, it's inherently who I am. But I fucking hate it. I want to rip off my skin and be someone completely different."
She curled up and turned her back on him, crying as quietly as she could into her knees. Crying meant weakness. Weaknesses you weren't supposed to let people see. Admitting all of this, that she wasn't fine, that she felt hopeless. That she fucking hate, hate, hated herself for things she wasn't sure she could control. All of that was a little much.
Shay wasn't at rock bottom, if she were there, maybe she'd have done everyone a favor and bit a bullet. But suicide didn't stop the pain, it just transferred it, and the idea that she would cause more pain while trying to prevent it, ironically, did more damage than a bullet ever could.
"I-I'm sorry," she said, wanting to pick herself up and slink out of the van, someplace he and no one else could see her.
It was always easier to walk away before the other person did. Then maybe you didn't have to crack a little more. You could blame loneliness on yourself. You had a solid answer, closure. It wasn't all "why?" or "what had I done wrong?" or "am I even lovable?" Because none of that mattered anymore. You had your answer. You were an asshole who deserved your pain because you left first.
♠♠♠
Desmond sat up and smiled. "Oh no keep going tell me eeeeeeeverything please!" This is honestly one way for him to get entertainment. He was legit interested in this and waited for Shay to continue.
"Chloe Black? Eeeh" He thought hard but really couldn't put that name to a face. "So basically you indirectly get keep hurt? That must suck huh? So to avoid that you are going to move, ahem I mean....RUN away and then go avoid contact and basically become one anti social kid. I must say that is truly a sucky plan." It wasn't the worst of plans just a plan that he knew would definitely suck and probably not work..unless Shay is legit planning to commit to be one of those anti social kids locked in the house 24/7 and attends home school.
Anyway. He had zero intention on actual telling her stuff about himself. He find it more fun if people just figure it out. "Ask the personal questions is usually my job but" He paused and looked at Shay. "Nope. Never got adopted. Technically it was better that I didn't get adopted plus people tend to not want a kid who would require additional care. Anything else or was that a good enough answer to you?"
He let Shay honestly ask whatever at this point he was just in this really chill passive state. Tilting his head a bit to the right, Desmond just watched her body movements as she talked. "Hmm between being good and not good is uh...opinion based. It seems like in your opinion you are extremely fucking terrible and no good at all. Let's say...someone else opinion I dunno like your friends probably don't think that."
Desmond was just swaying back and forth. He still watched her body movements and listened however he wasn't fully listening. He was trying to to do something here that was just going to be needed in a few moments. "Alright. I think I got it. You hate yourself right? Do you sometimes also hate those kids who seem all perfectly happy and stuff too? Because I don't know...I used to do that once upon a time. Also another thing I'm going to poke at, You know it is actually possible to be someone else. I mean there are some crazy and cool shit here. Kid if you really wanted that you would have already done it instead of being here in this Van. Now on to the whole protecting people and getting your shit together. Eye spy with my little eye a problem! You want to protect people who can probably protect themselves and are already doing that just fine. Oh you can still protect them if you want but maybe you should figure out who actually wants to be protected and who doesn't want to be protected. How would you do that? I dunno you will probably figure it out somehow sooooo don't ask me that question." While he was saying this he was actually reaching into one of those side compartments searching for those little tissue packs before the thing he had a feeling was about to happen actually happens.
"Oh no need to apologize to me. I'm just here to help and blah blah blah, you know? So here" he gave her the tissue packet and just...gave her a pat on the bag. "There is a thing about silently crying. Crying is silence isn't a good. That means you are hiding pain and then people wouldn't know you are in pain and will just continue to go on with their lives and not try to help. So uh....think about that?" Yes he just came up with that on the spot yet it made enough sense for him and hopefully for her.
@Foxy
"Chloe Black? Eeeh" He thought hard but really couldn't put that name to a face. "So basically you indirectly get keep hurt? That must suck huh? So to avoid that you are going to move, ahem I mean....RUN away and then go avoid contact and basically become one anti social kid. I must say that is truly a sucky plan." It wasn't the worst of plans just a plan that he knew would definitely suck and probably not work..unless Shay is legit planning to commit to be one of those anti social kids locked in the house 24/7 and attends home school.
Anyway. He had zero intention on actual telling her stuff about himself. He find it more fun if people just figure it out. "Ask the personal questions is usually my job but" He paused and looked at Shay. "Nope. Never got adopted. Technically it was better that I didn't get adopted plus people tend to not want a kid who would require additional care. Anything else or was that a good enough answer to you?"
He let Shay honestly ask whatever at this point he was just in this really chill passive state. Tilting his head a bit to the right, Desmond just watched her body movements as she talked. "Hmm between being good and not good is uh...opinion based. It seems like in your opinion you are extremely fucking terrible and no good at all. Let's say...someone else opinion I dunno like your friends probably don't think that."
Desmond was just swaying back and forth. He still watched her body movements and listened however he wasn't fully listening. He was trying to to do something here that was just going to be needed in a few moments. "Alright. I think I got it. You hate yourself right? Do you sometimes also hate those kids who seem all perfectly happy and stuff too? Because I don't know...I used to do that once upon a time. Also another thing I'm going to poke at, You know it is actually possible to be someone else. I mean there are some crazy and cool shit here. Kid if you really wanted that you would have already done it instead of being here in this Van. Now on to the whole protecting people and getting your shit together. Eye spy with my little eye a problem! You want to protect people who can probably protect themselves and are already doing that just fine. Oh you can still protect them if you want but maybe you should figure out who actually wants to be protected and who doesn't want to be protected. How would you do that? I dunno you will probably figure it out somehow sooooo don't ask me that question." While he was saying this he was actually reaching into one of those side compartments searching for those little tissue packs before the thing he had a feeling was about to happen actually happens.
"Oh no need to apologize to me. I'm just here to help and blah blah blah, you know? So here" he gave her the tissue packet and just...gave her a pat on the bag. "There is a thing about silently crying. Crying is silence isn't a good. That means you are hiding pain and then people wouldn't know you are in pain and will just continue to go on with their lives and not try to help. So uh....think about that?" Yes he just came up with that on the spot yet it made enough sense for him and hopefully for her.
@Foxy
Shay got the feeling that Desmond listened to her like one might listen to Jerry Springer and not in the professional manner of a therapist. She didn't know how to react to that. She'd never liked any other therapists she'd met with, and thus far, Desmond was okay. All things considered. She still wondered how he managed to get a degree.
"Yeah, Chloe Black. She was at the corn maze. Gabriel Baltimore's daughter. She, eh, got shot in the side and had to go to the emergency hospital." It was left unsaid, but the vibe was evident. It had been Shay's fault, at least in her eyes.
"I know," Shay said when he told her that her plan sucked. It did, and it was depressing. She knew all those things, but it still seemed like the most logical course of action. How selfish would it be to stick around the people you loved, even if you hurt them? And just because you were too weak not to be lonely.
For Eroshay, that was what it had always come down to. Strength. People continued being surprised at her stubbornness not to break, but when you lived in a place where everyone fought for themselves and people treated you like you were some pound animal to be picked up and thrown back at their leisure...
"You answered my question, but I do have more. What, if you don't mind me asking, additional care did you require?" Shay imagined emotional traumas. Desmond came off all laissez-faire, but Shay believed it was an acquired skill through loss and pain. People who became therapists rarely did it because they had sunny lives.
She watched as Desmond began to sway, narrowed her eyes a hint distrustfully but said nothing about it for now. Shay focused, instead, on his questions. "I... sometimes, yeah. I mean, there are times I just hate everything. Not always in an envious way, but in a.... violent way.
"And yes, I know there are ways to look like different people or to suppress powers and believe me I've tried the latter. The former is just... it's an illusion. It doesn't stop you from being fundamentally what you are, which is what I wanted to run from."
Shay was quiet when the subject of protecting people who could defend themselves came up. That was an entirely separate issue, and she had been through enough emotional waves today that she didn't have the mental or emotional energy to uncan it and dish it out with Desmond.
She took the tissue pack, fingers trembling and tears spilling over. She turned her face away and dabbed at it with a tissue before blowing her nose. Shay laughed morosely when Desmond mentioned hidden pain and silent tears. "What if you cry in front of them and they kick you when you're down?"
♠♠♠
"Corn maze....that place" He frowned. Desmond was definitely at the corn maze and he definitely knew what went down there it was just...he honestly didn't remember being there. Well he was high the whole time he was there which explains that much but still...shit got crazy and he didn't remember if he had fun. "So what I'm getting at is...she got shot because of you? Like accidentally or more like trying to save you from baddie jerk dude?" Totally forgot the bad guy's name. "So it may have been your fault or not at all. Whatever, it happened and she took a bullet for you and saved you I guess? Blaming yourself for that isn't doing anything but making you feel like shit." He was a tad blunt with that but hey, got the point across.
Desmond started trying to sway his legs trying not to let them go numb. "Okay, do you want to walk around and talk or like stretch? My legs are trying to fall asleep." Des wasn't trying to avoid Shay's question...it was just more of quickly topic change. Actually no, quickly topic change seemed super suspect so he would wait to see if she did wanted to walk and talk or not before continuing.
"Okay, you want to know the additional care?" Desmond looked around trying to get his thoughts together. He wasn't going to go full on spill the beans here, he wasn't the one seeking help and advice! "Well, I was self destructive. I was a super drug addict at your age and a lot of people avoided me for that and the little happy couples that came in looking to adopt kids wanted ones who um...would be easier to raise." There was a lot more reasons but uh, just saying that one should definitely be good for now. "That pretty much sums up that. So don't do drugs!"
"However if you do, stick to weed...or something that wouldn't immediately kill you." Yep that was perfectly said and done. Hopefully no more additional questions, maybe he should prepare for some just in case.
Sooo trying to focus more on Shay problems rather than his own fun past of problems. "You hate stuff in a violent way? Tell me if this sounds familiar, Kill Kill, die, trash, burn, destroy, Kill kill kill. Oh aaand you don't deserve to life piece of shit?" Honestly that wasn't the first thing that came to mind. This was just a more toned down version of what Desmond was actually thinking. "Or if not bloody war violent, serial killer I will hang you by your entrails if you fuck with me violent? Also don't ask me why....just don't ask." He had to throw that last part in there because reasons involving crazy murder happy talking moths. Does most definitely exist!
"Now other than that, when I mean being someone else I meant like....switching bodies, mind wipes, hypnosis and blah blah blah. Which all are probably not good to do but uh....someone somewhere most likely done it for such reasons!" Actually thinking back where he tried to mind wipe himself that one time and how it didn't workout well for him. Desmond just shook his head and sighed. "People do drastic things when they hit a low." he scratched at his chin a bit and eyed Shay. "Well when you cry in front of someone and they kick you down, then there are two things that can happen. You either give in and wuss out like a baby or you get the fuck up and show those dweebs that you are a strong cookie and can get through whatever shit gets thrown at you. Then you can politely tell said people to screw themselves. "
He just continued to look at Shay as he folded his arms. "So what are you going to do hm? Wuss out or show everyone you are stronger than this?"
@Foxy
Desmond started trying to sway his legs trying not to let them go numb. "Okay, do you want to walk around and talk or like stretch? My legs are trying to fall asleep." Des wasn't trying to avoid Shay's question...it was just more of quickly topic change. Actually no, quickly topic change seemed super suspect so he would wait to see if she did wanted to walk and talk or not before continuing.
"Okay, you want to know the additional care?" Desmond looked around trying to get his thoughts together. He wasn't going to go full on spill the beans here, he wasn't the one seeking help and advice! "Well, I was self destructive. I was a super drug addict at your age and a lot of people avoided me for that and the little happy couples that came in looking to adopt kids wanted ones who um...would be easier to raise." There was a lot more reasons but uh, just saying that one should definitely be good for now. "That pretty much sums up that. So don't do drugs!"
"However if you do, stick to weed...or something that wouldn't immediately kill you." Yep that was perfectly said and done. Hopefully no more additional questions, maybe he should prepare for some just in case.
Sooo trying to focus more on Shay problems rather than his own fun past of problems. "You hate stuff in a violent way? Tell me if this sounds familiar, Kill Kill, die, trash, burn, destroy, Kill kill kill. Oh aaand you don't deserve to life piece of shit?" Honestly that wasn't the first thing that came to mind. This was just a more toned down version of what Desmond was actually thinking. "Or if not bloody war violent, serial killer I will hang you by your entrails if you fuck with me violent? Also don't ask me why....just don't ask." He had to throw that last part in there because reasons involving crazy murder happy talking moths. Does most definitely exist!
"Now other than that, when I mean being someone else I meant like....switching bodies, mind wipes, hypnosis and blah blah blah. Which all are probably not good to do but uh....someone somewhere most likely done it for such reasons!" Actually thinking back where he tried to mind wipe himself that one time and how it didn't workout well for him. Desmond just shook his head and sighed. "People do drastic things when they hit a low." he scratched at his chin a bit and eyed Shay. "Well when you cry in front of someone and they kick you down, then there are two things that can happen. You either give in and wuss out like a baby or you get the fuck up and show those dweebs that you are a strong cookie and can get through whatever shit gets thrown at you. Then you can politely tell said people to screw themselves. "
He just continued to look at Shay as he folded his arms. "So what are you going to do hm? Wuss out or show everyone you are stronger than this?"
@Foxy
Shay shrugged, unsure if she agreed with his point. Shouldn't she feel like shit? Didn't she deserve that feeling holding her back? It had been her fault. All hers. It was lucky for Shay that she didn't mind blunt advice.
"Sure," she said to his question. She had no intention of stretching or anything. She opened the door to the van and crawled out to the beach where she paced and looked out to the waves on the horizon.
Shay nodded in understanding as he explained what additional care meant. That had been vague, but she understood once he was done talking. Shay had never done drugs or anything, but the happy couples hadn't been happy with her, either.
"Dads would kill me if I did drugs," she said with a slight smile. It wasn't really true. Klaus and Vito had always been fair. Stern, at times, but they never yelled or made her feel bad. It was odd.
She looked over her shoulder. "Both of those things. Kind of. I guess. But sometimes -- a lot of times -- it's the exact opposite too." Two sides, always fighting for control but neither able to win. That was Shay's magic, her mentality, her life.
Shay hugged herself, still watching Desmond. The look in her eyes cooled, thoughtful and distant to scenarios and fantasies that took place ages from here. She sniffed, turned back to the ocean.
"Well, I can't wuss out. So I guess I know my answer."
♠♠♠