Same Old Story

A part of Jude was afraid. Afraid that this time was the time too far. That this time was the end, the last straw, the last stop.

Because he couldn't keep going. Every time he was down--every time he was really fucked up--Rory always seemed to pop out of nowhere and slap him in the face. He'd almost died. He'd lost a hand, and she'd followed it up with we're not family, we're not friends when he was at his most devastated. Reuniting with his friends should have been a relief. Instead, she'd yelled and slammed her hand down and told him over and over that they weren't friends because they weren't willing to go with her and save Breakneck. She'd called him a coward. Told him he was too needy. That he'd been too weak and cowardly to support her when she needed him.

And then he'd nearly died - had killed two people - and she'd come at him again. Had kept going at him with you won't understand and then got angry when he was upset she kept saying it. Just to make things even worse, she'd decided to bring up that he apparently thought she was stupid.

He wasn't sure if they were still friends.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to be friends.

He knew it was irrational and he should have slept on it (only he didn't sleep, but there you go), and so he'd instead gone to Travis's dorm room, knocking once.

He looked exhausted.

Travis might have known them too well, because he just kind of knew.

Jude sat down on Travis's bed, and then, lacking the energy to sit up, just flopped over, flat on his back, and stared at the ceiling.

"I think I'm done," Jude said, holding out his hand for Travis to take. "I don't think I can do it anymore."

He let it flow. Let what had happened just flow out, letting Travis watch it like a too-real movie. To a limited extent, he'd feel what Jude was feeling, because Jude no longer had the emotional capacity to sort it out and make it as clinical as he usually did. He left things off as Rory left, but Jude's obvious exhaustion told the rest of the story.

"I don't think I can do it anymore. The letter after the Breakneck thing. The cafe when she first got here. Now this." God, he just sounded tired. Like he was going to just go to sleep and maybe wake up a few years later.

Jude hadn't thought about it, but after a moment he nodded.

"I don't really... sleep. But just... hanging around is... not being there would be nice. It feels like it just keeps happening. Like no matter what I do, she just brings up you always treat me like I'm stupid and it all loops back to how I'm a coward or I'm not her friend or..."

Jude trailed off, staring up at the ceiling, his hands limp at the side.

"I think I'm just done, Travis. I don't want to be. I don't want to... to break up the team. Not now that Blade's here. But I think I'm done."

He wanted to do anything else. He wanted to make it better. Only it felt that even when he did make it better--when he apologized for the fights they had, for the things she'd said...

"I don't think I've ever insulted her," Jude said. "Not even once. I can't think of a single one. Maybe before my memory really kicked in? But I never said we weren't friends. I never... slung insults, or anything like that."

Jude threw his arm over his face, wondering if suffocating himself with a pillow would let him get to sleep without tossing and turning. He still could, it just didn't come as easily, not being aided by exhaustion at all.

"It's going to be a mess. We live together, and we have all the same friends. Maybe I should move into the dorms."