Private Returning Yet Again: Ishvi

Ishvi knocked quietly on the door before entering. Knowing the drill, it was simple enough for him to find a seat, mumble a greeting. He was never exactly calm at these sessions, but after the heaviness of the first couple they'd gotten easier, at least a little. There were bad days, but this didn't look like one. Even though Ishvi was looking at the floor instead of Valli, as was his habit, he wasn't flickering, and his frown was closer to puzzlement than distress.

"So..." He trailed off, never sure where to start talking. "I'm not sure this is even important.." Opening up still came with difficulty. Ishvi started and stopped a couple more times. "My parents raised me, but I still wasn't - they always reminded me of where I came from. My father-" he spoke the term with residual disgust, yet not as adamantly as he would speak of himself, "was not an angel. He couldn't be pointed out and he didn't have to be, to be an angel."

His first clenched a little, "My mother... is everything I'm not supposed to be. I thought I could be better, but I think they expected me to fail." Trying to order things in his head, explain, Ishvi didn't even notice he hadn't mentioned why he'd brought this up.

@Romi

"Yes..." he had his own problems with misjudging people because of species. He worked on it, but... Ishvi frowned slightly, resting his head on his hands and staring distantly for a moment. "I did end up f-falling. So they were right. But it was me that did it. My mother - she was only ever a bad example pointed out from a distance."

Ishvi was tangled up in a puzzle he couldn't word right, struggling to get his thoughts out, but calm. His voice was steady, and though he wasn't exactly looking at Valli, he wasn't avoiding his gaze either. Trying to figure things out was distracting enough that he just blinked for a second when asked why he'd brought it up.

".. I saw her. She's on this island." There was surprise in his voice, but any other emotions hadn't really hit him yet.

Privately Ishvi disagreed. Even though he felt the full guilt of falling, took the blame on himself, it also seemed somewhat inevitable. But he didn't want to argue about any of his inherent corruption right now - they'd talked about that enough previously.

His mother though - what did he know about her? He'd spent most of his life with her as a background spectre, more a story than a person herself. Until she was exiled he'd seen her, but they'd never had any contact after his birth. The only time they'd come close was when she'd slipped him her daggers and they hadn't talked. Ishvi frowned at the memory, rubbed his scarred palms together.

"I know.. what I've seen. I'm proof enough of her doing something wrong. And what I've been told by my parents - the ones who raised me, by everyone. She was exiled before.. before I left. Because she fell..." And now Ishvi paused in thought. He didn't know how she'd fallen, what had caused it. They'd said he was exiled when he'd only left to prove himself. But he was sure that his mother actually had been guilty. And the glimpse he'd gotten when he'd confirmed for himself that she was on the island told him she was now, whatever she'd been before.

"All that's left of home is fallen angels." Ishvi said with a sad sigh. "I never thought I'd see her again. I don't know if I want to.. She's-" He waved his hands vaguely, at a loss for words. "She never seemed to be- quite real before."

"I guess..." Ishvi trailed off into silence for a moment, still staring at a random spot of floor, frowning slightly. When he spoke again it was barely more than a mumble. "She's not- She shouldn't be here." He sighed, a confusion of emotions that he didn't know how to speak about. And really just wanted to untangle on his own now that he was here.

"No one comes back from exile. If I were home..." A deep breath, and Ishvi shook his head slightly as if to clear it. "This isn't home, but I never expected to see her again. And yet she must have lived somewhere... she knew she couldn't go back..." He was getting bothered now, skirting the edges of what concerned him, still attempting to avoid showing too much feeling.

"I never knew her... I never thought she knew me at all until she left. There's nothing for us to say to each other now. I think.. it would not be good to talk to her." Besides, he worried about what he might discover.

Ishvi shook his head, "No.. not exactly. I've lived away from home long enough to know- well not about life outside the island I guess, but it's not bad being here." He fell silent and when he spoke again there was an edge to his voice.

"I was going to go back. If home was.. still there... Before I found out I couldn't. And she, she's lived on earth fallen, made a life. It's like there was no punishment at all. It might even have been-" with a brief flicker, Ishvi stopped himself from continuing. "All that's left of home now is survivors and exiles, all fallen. I don't know if there's any way back."

Would he have reacted differently to another exile? As young as he was in angel terms, fallen angels wasn't common enough for him to remember any other than his mother's. And she had specifically been pointed out to him. But other than that - "She might as well be a stranger. I don't have anything to say to any of them. I can't fix them, I can't fix and I fell too. There's nothing to say."