Private Finished Returning Patient: Ishvi

The words didn't really matter, it was all regret, guilt twisting stomach. He was drowning in it, had been to some degree ever since he left home. Even if it had become worse lately.

Ishvi accepted the bottle gratefully. Some excuse for silence was welcome, and at least opening the bottle gave him something to focus on. He was so agitated he thought he might cry if the cap was stuck. Fortunately it opened easily. The little pause helped. He was nowhere near calm, but the flood had been stopped for the moment.

Really, it all came down to, "Why? How do you live - How do I live like that?"

"The things still in my head are all wrong now. I still think aabout, about - " Ishvi cut himself off, drinking more of the water. He couldn't bring himself to talk about that. Frankly disgusted that he was so tempted to do something he knew was wrong.

"It's hard to believe people when they say things that go against what I was taught. They don't act like lies, but home wasn't lying either. And I can't trust myself because I'm not all angel and what if it's just me trying to excuse things? Some things have to be wrong or why does any of it matter? I want to be good and maybe I don't even know what's right anymore."

At least Valli's question came as enough of a surprise to Ishvi to get through to him briefly. For a moment he just stopped and stared. Not making eyecontact, but at least in Valli's general direction. It was clear from his expression, though, that not only had he never considered it, it was a fundamentally shocking proposal.

"No. Noo. I mean, I did bad things. I wanted bad things. My thoughts are, are still... I'm a bad thing. I want to be pure, but I'm not. I have to - I don't know. No matter what I do I'm never going home. But it still feels like I should try to be better than I am." His words were vague, simplistic - it was so hard to even force that much out.

"People are people... I think... they might have preferred me to be a weapon that did what he was told. But I wasn't. I never was. But I never fell. And now I'm I'm I can't even go back to fight in the pointless war if I wanted to, if I did find another outpost."

Ishvi gulped at the water, shoulders slumping a bit as he gave in and shifted just to stop himself from crying. It didn't really help much, and he rubbed at his forehead, trying to stop it from hurting. He was half mumbling in his stress, looking anywhere but Valli, not sure if he was struggling to get words out or stop himself from revealing too much.

"I think somewhere I, I stop-stopped wanting to fight. I put it off and now real angels, real - good, good angels are - not coming back. It should've been - they told me I wasn't worth as much but I, I - I don't know the way out. I shouldn't be -" He gestured helplessly, all tangled up again.

"Yes. Yes. And I can feel it. Nothing, there's nothing anyone can see - the change - but I know. People know. They can tell that I - that I'm... " Ishvi trailed off because that was it. Valli got it, sort of. By the standards of his home, by his own standards. He'd been less than everyone at home just by reason of birth, but there's still been some hope in him to be accepted.

He stared at his hands, scarred and marked. Silent while he struggled to calm himself, or at least make his way through some of the knots in his head. He'd always have those reminders burned into his skin.

"I fell... And there's evidence of it. It's not just a thing, some made up thing. It was never lies what they what they taught me. Because I knew I was falling. I should've stopped myself. Somehow caught myself. But I stood there and I couldn't, I can't see forward. Still..." Ishvi thought he might choke on his own honesty, even skirting around saying some of the shameful things as much as he could.