Private Finished Returning Patient: Ishvi

Boop

Little Bo Peep
Nov 30, 2016
1,678
Gender
female
Pronouns
she, etc.
Posting Status
Irregularly
Ishvi had to take a couple of deep breaths before he knocked on Valli's office door. At least he'd remembered something, even though it hadn't come to mind when he'd actually needed it. He felt kind of sick, couldn't even keep it from his face. At first he'd just been trying to get everything in order after his unplanned 2 week disappearance. Then he'd definitely been avoiding talking to the therapist.

Even he knew that couldn't be a good thing. It wasn't like he had a long list of people he could talk to, about anything really. And he didn't want to chase away the one or possibly two friends he did have. But then again, talking about anything that had happened was one of the last things he wanted to do.

Everything was tangled. He unconsciously clenched his fists, hiding the new scars, waiting for the door to open.

@Romi
 
  • Like
Reactions: Romi

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
Valli had a lot of patients, but he still noticed when someone went missing. Even so, he couldn't just chase down people who didn't show up. If people didn't want to go to therapy, that was their prerogative. If it was mandatory, he had places he had to report to, but voluntary?

There was nothing he could do.

He was surprised when Ishvi had contacted him, asking for another session. Not upset, but definitely surprised. He had mostly gotten over his surprise by the time the session actually rolled around, and he greeted Ishvi with his usual smile, waving him in.

"I didn't realize you'd enrolled at the school," Valli said as he closed the door behind him. "This is my usual office now. A bit smaller, but it's nice. More local for most students." He'd grab a seat without too much wandering about. Ishvi had already gone through the disclaimers, after all.
 

Boop

Little Bo Peep
Nov 30, 2016
1,678
Gender
female
Pronouns
she, etc.
Posting Status
Irregularly
This was not going to be easy. One look at Valli's smiling face and Ishvi's stomach twisted with guilt. He looked down at the older man's shoes as if he was about to throw up on them. He wasn't usually so nervous but this, everything, it was a lot.

Keeping his eyes to the ground, to avoid meeting Valli's gaze a little longer, somehow Ishvi still managed to find a chair and sit in it. Already slightly flickering from stress. Death had damaged his control a bit, he didn't even realize he was doing it.

".... i died." Ishvi was currently mumbling that statement somewhere in the direction of his toes. It was probably barely intelligible, and he didn't say anything for a long moment after that. It had been a struggle to say that much, even though it was eating at him.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
Ishvi was exceptionally nervous. Even by the standards of therapy, and even by the standards of Ishvi himself, the other man looked like he was going to vomit. Valli tried not to doubt if his patients could make it through a given session, but it certainly looked like Ishvi wasn't going to make it.

"You died?" Valli said, simply out of instinct. It wasn't the first time a patient had confessed to having died, but considering Ishvi's state...

Valli's lips pressed into a line, obviously taking the admission very seriously.

"Are you feeling better now?" Valli asked carefully, leaving the question very open ended.
 

Boop

Little Bo Peep
Nov 30, 2016
1,678
Gender
female
Pronouns
she, etc.
Posting Status
Irregularly
His thoughts were racing, but gulping a few more breaths did help a bit. Even he didn't know if he could handle this, but bottling things up was obviously not working.

"I... I'm alive?" It was no answer at all, and he knew it. He stared at his hands for a moment, scarred from his own dagger, not really seeing them. Then ran a hand through his hair, trying to string together thoughts into something he could say. This aftermath was exhausting.

"I don't want - I wouldn't - If I...." Ishvi trailed off, not wanting to lie, struggling to say anything at all. He wasn't even sure if being alive was better, and before and after that was just a mess. "I came back..." half mumbling again, he added, "I didn't know I would. "

Ishvi sighed, still held tense and flickering, staring at his feet, but he motioned with his hand like trying to brush it away. "I came back, so it doesn't matter."
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
It wasn't much of a question what had happened. Ishvi had tried to take their own life, and then discovered they'd come back. It wasn't the first time Valli had heard of it happening, but it was the first time he'd had a patient who'd had it happen. Life after death was hard. Life after not-death was no better.

"You did come back," Valli confirmed. "And now you have to figure out what to do with yourself. How to pull the pieces back together, when death is no longer a potential way out. Does that sound right?"
 

Boop

Little Bo Peep
Nov 30, 2016
1,678
Gender
female
Pronouns
she, etc.
Posting Status
Irregularly
" I fell. I fell and it's wrong. And there's no punishment because nobody cares about that here. It doesn't matter even though it's bad. It's bad. Nothing here matters... the only ones who would've known that falling is wrong are dead. Actually dead. And I can't -"

Ishvi cut himself off abruptly. Mostly because he felt he was about to cry, in spite of the fact that he couldn't do it much through the flickers. He refused to break down in front of someone again, even if that drowning feeling was back just from remembering.
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
He was fixated, Valli supposed, on judgement. Or on the lack of judgement. He'd done a bad thing, but he'd faced no real consequences for it. He had, in his own mind, become a bad thing.

There was no one left to judge him, so he opted to judge himself instead.

"Ishvi," Valli said, addressing him directly, his voice soft. "Falling means choosing your own path. A path that isn't the one you were given to start, but your own path just the same. Just because something is bad doesn't mean it's final. One wrong move doesn't condemn a person for eternity."
 

Boop

Little Bo Peep
Nov 30, 2016
1,678
Gender
female
Pronouns
she, etc.
Posting Status
Irregularly
"But it doesn't, it doesn't, what if nothing about the path matters?" Ishvi was exhausted, all these things he couldn't process. His tone steadied into something quiet and neutral, but he still stuttered over the words with fists clenched right.

"This, this place is not home, was never home, never supposed to be. I was going to go back, when I... when I... but there's no one left. And now... if I'd gone, if I'd never left, a real angel could be alive instead of me..." he trailed off again.

"It wasn't planned... I just - and I fell - and it wasn't final. And in the back of my head I still wonder how- but that's wrong too. The worst part is, the worst - everyone is equal here. Demons and angels falling and there's nothing called wrong except sometimes breaking the law and there's no consequences to it. And I knew where I stood, even a worthless halfbreed, and I knew that falling meant something. Even the endless war meant something. Right or wrong is too blurry here."
 

Romi

Secretly a Bird
Administrator
Supporter
Jun 18, 2015
10,109
Gender
Female
Pronouns
She/Her
Posting Status
Irregularly
Ishvi's words weren't being spoken so much as they were falling out of his mouth, a never ending torrent of regrets and sadness. Regrets that he lived. Regrets that he'd fallen. Regrets that everything was wrong. Those doubts were obviously swirling, and they weren't going to be productive if he couldn't relax, even a little bit.

Valli stood up quickly, retrieving a bottle of cold water and setting it down in front of him.

"Don't try and make yourself talk if you aren't up to it," Valli said, his voice soft. "Take a drink. And take your time. We have lots of time left in the session, and what matters is that you're comfortable and able to talk about these things."

It was only once he'd at least made an attempt that Valli would start to talk himself.

"Right and wrong, for most people, are rarely decided by one person. You're struggling to adapt to how most other people have it naturally. On Manta Carlos, and in many places, right and wrong are often decided by how others react to things. There are no hard or fast rules."
 
Forgot your password?