Private Finished Playing The Bad Guy

Rory looked at the envelope. And she had an answer, but she already knew Zora would hate it, just as everyone else hated it. She'd probably roll her eyes or yell. It was easier to yell and say you couldn't than to face failure time and time again.

So, Rory took a second to composure herself. It didn't work. She still felt sick. She still felt like she was going to cry. Rory didn't want to feel human and she didn't want to feel Zora's pain. But what she wanted didn't matter. Not right then.

"Then you keep yelling until someone does believe you, or they check out of spite. It's not a fair answer, but this isn't a fair world. No one is going to help you stand up, Zora. And most of the time, no one fucking can. Strength... strength is easy the first few times. You need perseverance. The ability to stand back up and scream 'I am here. I am.' And that's the fucking hardest thing in the world."

Rory continued staring at the envelope. She didn't open it. Water dropped on it and for a moment Rory wondered if the ceiling was leaking, but she knew it wasn't.

"I've never gone through anything like that, it's true. But I'm going to tell you to stand up again and again and scream until your voice breaks and claw at opportunities until your nails snap off and all you can see is your own blood. And you can yell at me, throw things at me, tell me how much I don't know — I'll keep saying it. Someone needs to. It's entirely too easy to give up on ourselves, isn't it?"

Rory's breath hitched a little and her voice cracked but she pushed past it. I6f Zora would be honest, Rory could be honest. She had her own shames, even if they weren't remotely the same.

"See, I learned a lesson really early on. I used to pretend a lot, too, and I don't think I ever really stopped. I tried to be a hero, but I felt like a villain in disguise. The shit I did. And I was always, fucking always hurting the people I loved most. How fucked up is that? I ruined Jude's life. I'm technically the one that made him lose his arm, you know? And in that same moment, I ruined my other best friend's life. Neither of them blames me, but I know if I wasn't there if I didn't make the choice, they'd both be okay.

"But the worst part? I wasn't brave enough to stand up and sit my best friend down and fight with him about how he was a good person. How much I loved him. How, if for a fucking second, he could just see himself like I saw him, he'd realize how beautiful he really was. I hate myself most for that.

"So I picked up this lesson. I won't stop. For you, or Broen, or any of my family. You guys can hate me. Push me away. I don't care. But I'm going to stand here all night telling you to be brave just one last time. And if that doesn't work? Be brave one last more. And keep doing that. Do it for you and your son and the people you love, because they don't deserve to lose you, Zora. They don't hate you. If you could see yourself the way they see you, you'd realize how wonderful you are. How you're their light. How brightly you shine. How, if you just looked back, you'd see them reaching out for you. So don't push them away. People are strongest when they stand together."

And Rory didn't hold it in. She cried. Her voice cracked and she'd been talking so fast, hoping to get it all out before she unraveled at admitting all those mistakes and the things she'd never said. But maybe, maybe she could help Zora help herself. And that would be worth it.

Rory had a way of rambling. She knew, being comforted by someone she hardly knew was weird, but then it was always weird to touch someone so freely. She was always used to there being a certain tension in the act of a hug.

"That's not," Rory rubbed at her eyes, tried to see through the haze of tears to find some kind of tissue for her and Zora. "No. I get it. It's hard. It feels impossible. That's... I'm working on not blaming myself and you have to, too. I don't promise it won't feel impossible. But nothing is impossible. Just keep moving. Something breaks. The hardest decision in life is standing up to fight when you know you're going to be knocked down again. You can't just do it for other people, Zora, you gotta do it for you, too. You matter."

Rory held her back and felt a little weird about it. She'd never been good at crying in front of people.

Rory took a tissue and wiped her face before blowing her nose, turning away as she did. Eugh. She hated crying.

"Why do you think they'd lock you away? Couldn't your grandfather look after your son? Make a backup plan for your kid in case something happens with the police."

She went quiet, waiting for those annoying hiccups that always accompanied crying to stop.

"You really have no other choice," Rory pointed out. "Sorry. Sorry. I mean you have no other good choice. The police already know you're involved in something. If you don't choose how this story gets out, you're going to be the victim in it. I'm not promising shit won't go bad, but this will be a way for it to get less bad than it is now."

"See, that's the sort of thing you explain to the police so they don't find out and you end up looking very, very suspicious. And it sucks, but you just go and tell them. Officer Genovese is a Sergeant. He's a good man. I can't imagine him turning you away or refusing to look into things. And no one is going to lock you up for sounding crazy. Even in the worst city that wouldn't happen. This is the twenty-first century."