Pay the Piper

Jude was doing it over lunch. Not for any good reason--just because it put a hard cap on the conversation. There couldn't be any excessive back and forth. It was going to be quick, say his piece, and get out. He'd already texted Broen asking to talk, and already arranged to meet in the dorm. He knocked, looking... resigned? Probably resigned, because his emotions couldn't tell what they were supposed to be feeling. Relieved it was going to be over with? Anxious that he didn't know how it was going to play out?

It was going to be one of those conversations, but he'd waited long enough.

Get it over with, his brain said. He didn't take a seat, instead leaning up against the wall and running through the mental exercises Gyan had taught him. Counting his breaths. Letting his brain slow down. Overthinking was one of the big things that he did. He overthought everything. Not in combat, thank god, but any time he had time, he ended up running in circles.

"I guess I'm going to start by saying I... really wish I wasn't going to have this conversation at all. Being honest? I really wish I didn't have to. Like, pretty much anything else would have been nicer. I wasn't going to tell you, but from what Rory said... well, even though I explicitly asked her not to, she told you anyway."

Jude winced.

"Will you let me just... say my piece, without interrupting?" Because god, he didn't want to get interrupted halfway through.

Alright. Well, there it was. The blank check to say whatever he needed to say.

Actually saying it was so much harder.

"Like I said, I didn't want to have this conversation at all. I was going to just... not. When we hooked up, I'd have absolutely said I didn't have any feelings. Afterwards? Yeah, I guess I did. I'd caught feelings, just like you told me not to. That's why I never came back for round two, because I didn't want to make it worse."

Jude faltered for a moment, closing his eyes for a moment and making himself breath. Just get it over with, his brain kept repeating, and a part of him wished Alma was there. Her aura had a lot of downsides, but for something like this? Perfect.

"If I'm being honest, I was worried I'd try and fix you. We weren't going to work out. I liked the... confidence and bravado, but mostly I liked the signs that you could be something more than who you were when we met. You did a lot of good things. There were a lot of times you could have done a bad thing and didn't, even back in Halcyon. But I didn't think I could fix you. I didn't think you could be fixed. It wasn't a personality thing, it was an evil soul sucking demon thing. So I... moved on. I realized it wasn't ever going to work, and I put you out of my head."

Jude cringed. Because of course it had to happen. Of course Broen had been fixed, just like that, the parts of his brain that had broken repaired.

"And then all that stuff happened. But, honestly? I didn't know what had changed. I felt like I didn't know who you were in the hospital. You could have been anyone. I had no idea what was you and what was the headmaster, and you were an absolute mess, so I gave you space, and I kind of watched. I told Rory what I did in confidence, and she broke that. I didn't want to talk about it, but she kind of forced my hand, and..."

Jude trailed off, his eyes not quite looking at Broen. There was silence for a long second, and then he shrugged.

"That's it. Now you know."

As serious as it was, Jude couldn't stop himself from snorting. He just couldn't.

"Wasn't like I chose to catch feelings," Jude said. "And when I did, I stepped back."

He let him finish his piece, grimacing slightly when Broen finished. He'd known, of course. Or at least strongly suspected. Broen had mentioned having a girl. He'd already known Zora had feelings for Broen, and that she'd confessed to him. If it was anyone else, he'd have known. Broen would have just said 'hey I started hooking up with so-and-so' and been done with it.

"I know," Jude said. "I'm not asking you out. I'm already with Alma, and even if we're poly..." He trailed off for a moment, the discomfort practically a tangible thing in the air as his eyes slid away from Broen.

"Even with that, I couldn't date someone who was seeing her as well, even if you were asking me out."

If Jude was being honest with himself, things were going better than he thought he would. Even though the logical part of him told him that a lot of Broen's seemingly irrational anger had been either the headmaster or his emotions being out of whack, the emotional part of him had kind of half expected Broen to sling something at him and yell at Jude for being stupid and catching feelings.

"No, not really," Jude admitted. "At least I know why I prefer it." His eyes slid over to Broen and then he glanced away again, shrugging. "I kept a lot of secrets, and then those secrets blew up in my face. Keep too many secrets, and you end up down a hand and some very vital body parts."