Past, Future and Everything in Between.

My therepist insisted I write my thoughts down, my inner mumblings. I dont know why, in my head or in my laptop, seems no different. Either way.

My father was raised on a farm. Seems hard to believe. A renouned geneticist being raised in a salt of the earth home, where dark earth and seeds were worth more than gold.

I suppose it explains certain things he taught, certain perspectives he shared. He once said, that if every business man lived on a farm for a year, without there unlimited recourses the world be better place, of course I would ask why. He would explain that ultimately a humble farmer creates and sustains life. They create life in the plants they grow, and sustain it in the people they feed.

Creating and sustaining. Such simple yet powerful ideas. Imagine, a world those in power focused on helping those around them, rather than using or destroying them. Some people called my father naive, but he wasnt, he knew how the world was, it a corrupt and dark place. I guess that makes him a dreamer.

Ultimately, I'm not as hopefull as he was. I'very seen too much death to immediately see the good in people. Perhaps there too much darkness in me now. Which brings up the question I've been asking myself. What will I be? Will I be the creator and sustainer my father was? Or will I be the destroyer people tried to turn me into.

Aedan Drago. July 19, 2016

Dreams, they say they hold much more meaning than what most people think. They say dreams is like a mirror, showing the dreamer's true self. There true wants and ideas.

So, what do nightmares tell? There fears, or there inner evil. Strangely I never have nightmares about the torture or the experiments. My nightmares are of the fire, the heat on my face, the sound of gunfire, the scream of my family, and that bastard laughing.

What does that say about me? That I'm damaged? That I'll never escape a memory? Or that they were successful, and that I really am the monster they wanted me to be?

I can build machines that put most scientists and engineers to shame. But I can't sleep, and I can't talk to another person without stumbling on my words.

What do nightmares tell? A truth that the dreamer is denying? Or an inner fear of what they will become?

Aedan Drago. July 20th 2016

Hope. A singular word that holds much more power than any other. Hope for the future, a better tomorrow.

I havent had any hope in a long time. I've seen too much darkness, too much death. My father taught hope, taught that together they could bring about a better world. I believed him then, when I was a bright eyed kid in the crowd, listening to his words.

I believed, until everything went to hell. When faced with darkness people react in three ways, one: they cling to the light to hope, two: they let the darkness overtake and corrupt them, three: they give up. I gave up.

I saw no hope, no future. No anything. Just darkness and mankind's spiral toward self destruction.

Then I came here. I still saw darkness, but maybe, just maybe I saw a bit of light.

Then, I found hope. It wasn't some huge realization brought on by some inspiring event. It was a simple conversation with a girl. Her name is Nia, and she restored my hope.

Aedan Drago. July 24.

The nightmares are back. But there different, I'm in the labs again, I'm strapped to a table, burning genetic materials are being injected into me. I'm screaming. Buy the scientists around me don't react....they just keep working.

I look to the right, and I see someone being escorted down the halls. Not a guard, not a scientist, someone ekse. But I can't see them clearly, the nightmare distorts.

Who wa that? Why we're they there? And what happened to them? I destroyed them, the soldiers, the scientists, when I escaped I tore that place apart. But I'very become aware of holes in my memories, things I've lost.

I thought I had the answers, but it seems more questions have been raised.