[O] Catch Me; I'm Falling

Running, running, running... must keep running...

Bare feet pounding against the floor, Sabriel ran as fast as his lanky build could carry him - which was surprisingly quick now that he was trying - without any regard to where in this school he was going. She'd come to him again tonight, whispering malevolent words, warnings, and threats, all saccharine sweet and with a maternal tone. She'd invaded his dreams again, victimized him for the millionth time. Not even sleep could aid him in escaping reality or his past - if anything, the dreams worsened his state by tenfold.

Unable to feel anything but wild panic, Sabriel didn't feel it when he didn't turn soon enough and hit a wall, nor was he even aware of whether or not he was breathing. The only thing consuming him was intense paranoia, fear, and anxiety, forcing him to run in a way he never had before.

The lights were all off; the only light came from the moon breaking through the windows, casting shadows and illuminating everything in a foggy gray. Sabriel didn't remember what time it was, but it had been some forsaken hour of the morning when the rest of the sane world was slumbering. He had attempted to call Carta, but his phone had either been off or he wasn't answering, and calling his aunt was not possible. She'd called earlier today to wish him a happy birthday, for August fourth was the day he'd been brought into this world sixteen years ago, but he hadn't celebrated. No one even knew it was his birthday; accepting gifts made him feel guilty.

You don't deserve kindness or charity.

"Stop it," he pleaded, his hands lifting to cover his ears. A cold sweat was breaking over his forehead, there was an ache in his throat, and his eyes were on fire with tears. The voices were after him now, and not even Sabriel could run from his own mind.

Bursting in through the doors of the ballroom, Sabriel continued running through the dark, elegant room, footsteps echoing on the marble. He collapsed when he reached the stairs, his exhaustion and sleepiness catching up with him. Pain shot up his side where he'd run into the wall, but he couldn't pay attention to it.

Curling up into a ball, Sabriel attempted to protect himself, wrapping his tail around his torso and his arms around his head as his cries began to resound around the room. He began to shiver, for he was clad only in a light T-shirt and airy pajama bottoms, and the jerking motion caused discomfort against the stone steps that led to the second floor of this massive room. "Make it stop," he pleaded, "please, make it stop!" Everything seemed to have been intensified - the pain, the memories, his emotions - and he couldn't make it stop. It was like there was a monster inside of him wreaking havoc on his mind.

These were the days when he wondered if life was really worth it.

"Sabriel."

It wasn't one of the voices in his head - it was a familiar one, one that taunted him day and night whether or not Sabriel was hallucinating. Fear coursed through him then, for the tone of his brother was just has wicked as it always was, but despite that he forced himself to look up. Glossy, golden eyes stared up at his brother, sitting there as calm and nonchalant as ever while Sabriel's seams unraveled. Maybe, just maybe, his brother would display the kindness Sabriel so desperately yearned for.

But it was not to be.

It was surprising Sabriel hadn't yet figured out that the young man before him was nothing but a projection of his own mind. Taking a deep breath, Sabriel attempted to stifle his cries, burying his head in his arms again and curling up even tighter. Ears pressed down against his hair, Sabriel tried not to listen to what he said, but the words cut him deeply and his soul absorbed them without any question.

"No, please, don't help her," Sabriel whispered. "Please, Nicholas." He lifted his head, reaching his arms out hesitantly, desperate for physical affection but uncertain if his brother was the one from whom it should be sought from. "Not her, not her..." He sniffled, doing his best to be quiet but utterly failing.

"I don't know how to run away from it," he confided breathily. "I don't know how..."

Agony shot up from where his arm was kicked, reverberating throughout his entire body and causing him to cry out. Sabriel shrank away, arms lowering, left arm locked in an odd position that he was afraid to move. The pain didn't recede and Sabriel slowly sat up, cradling his now broken arm, looking down and away from his brother. "You never used to be like this," he choked out before he could stop himself. He was certain he would get hurt for that.

Inching backward, Sabriel continued until he hit the banister, at which point he pulled his legs up to his chest and began to tremble. "N-No," he murmured, afraid of believing him. It was true, Sabriel was almost certain it was - but what did he have if he gave up that one last shred of hope? "Carta... Carta wouldn't..." Carta was the only one who had expressed concern for him, whether it was out of pity or genuinely wanting to be his friend, and for that Sabriel couldn't just forsake him.

As Nicholas leaned down, looking into his face, Sabriel couldn't help but to meet his gaze. Biting his upper lip, Sabriel actually began to contemplate what Nicholas was telling him, his breathing becoming shallow. "But... wouldn't that be selfish of me?" he asked over the lump in his throat. "I can't... I can't just... kill myself... can I?"

Could he?

"A gift from your friend."

Sabriel stared at his arm. Suddenly, the pain from the broken bone didn't seem to hurt as much as his heart suddenly did. Carta had met Nicholas, and specifically told him to hurt him... it was true. It had to be true. Carta... didn't care. Carta didn't want to be his friend. It was all an act, a game, none of it was reality. Carta had never really been his friend.

Silence was the only thing he could manage. Shattered, broken, forlorn silence. Nicholas was right. Things would have been better off if his mother had killed him all those years ago - then he wouldn't suffer like this or make anyone else suffer either.

"You're right," he breathed at long last, staring off into the distance. His golden eyes were glazed over, his mind in a different world. "You're... you're right." He'd only been delaying the inevitable by trying to keep the walls up. He'd tried for so long to build a dam to stop the truth, but it had finally crashed over him like a wave and he was drowning. "The world would be better off without me, wouldn't it? Everyone would be so much happier without a burden like me..." Sabriel forced a laugh, wanting to feel joyous over this revelation but unable to do so.

Pushing himself to his feet, Sabriel continued to cradle his arm, but it still didn't seem to hurt very much. His entire body just felt numb.

"I should... I should go back to my room..." he said softly. "Thank you..."