Not On The Same Page

Calm yourself, you idiot. No one's there.
Aswan looked around her dorm room, still cluttered (cluttered? Aswan hadn't seen it this messy before - it shamed her, really) with dozens of sheets of papers, a rainbow of papers, staring at her. At her.
She'd never had to deal with papers giving her this look before. They made more sense before! Was this how failed students felt?
In fact, the bedroom she'd locked herself in only an hour ago, shivering and shaking, determined to find an answer to this... it was shut tight, the room inside full of stale air and papers strewn everywhere, as if quizzing her very being.
Why couldn't she make this work!?
She'd tried every possible action to activate her hidden powers, tried every technique to the letter. Not once had she floated. Not once had she remained invisible for more than five seconds. At this point, she was starting to doubt herself.
Calm yourself, you idiot. You will make it work.
A shaky breath, as she mustered up more strength to flip to the next page, frustration and tiredness scrawled on her face. There was a mess of cans of green tea near her bed.
Apparently that was more important than learning how to control her fade out of existence. More important than preventing harm to Roland. More important than the information in any one of these "valuable" books.
Apparently it was the only thing she could stare at.
What went wrong? she asked herself, tearing and tugging once again at the bangs that framed her face in frustration.
"What went wrong," she asked herself, quietly. Almost a growl. She needed to study. To read. To control this fading.
That was extremely important. More important than her own well-being. She couldn't die twice, at least.
A wry chuckle at the thought. To die again. What would that be like?
She wrenched her attention away. Back to the books.

@Saber

Knock, knock, went the door to her dormitory, yanking the brunette ghost out of her concentration and sending her scrambling for her papers. She knew that Roland would try to come and find her - the very reason she'd locked herself inside her room - although, she now realized, she'd left the door to her dormitory proper unlocked and opened a crack. Which, really, was not the smartest move.
Wasn't that common these days, she thought, scooting over a bit to the middle of the room, closer to her bed.
It was sad how she needed to avoid him like the plague if she was to get any semblance of concentration. Aswan knew she'd become distant, but the thought itself was distant, whizzing around in her brain, hidden behind stacks of put-downs and piles of useless knowledge that surely wouldn't help her not fade into oblivion.
She didn't answer the knocking, instead absorbing herself in her work.
Think! she commanded herself, staring with twitching eyes at the paper in front of her, willing herself - no, berating herself to study, to practice. To achieve - that would be the best trick of all.
It had a certain madness to it, she thought dimly. Trying the same thing, over and over, expecting different results... That's what others would define as insanity - what she herself would have deemed insane?
Aswan refocused on her books, trying once again the same method as she had for hours now, trying her hardest to control the onslaught of her invisibility - but then, yet again.
NO. RESULTS.
A cry of frustration echoed, as Aswan did something she never before had - she threw a can clean across the room, smacking into the wall with a satisfying clang. At least, it would have been satisfying if she hadn't curled up into a ball, making herself as numb as possible, as a tear began to roll down her cheek.

@Saber

Not five seconds had passed since she'd cried out in frustration and threw the can across the room - but now, with a sudden buzz that almost made her want to throw up, and another kiss, she was already in the lap of the person she wanted to avoid - no, to protect - most. Normally she would have melted into the soft embrace, but he'd broken her focus.
"Please. Leave." Aswan asked him quietly, trying to keep her voice even. "You are breaking my concentration. Please." Her eyes told him the opposite - begged him to stay, to comfort her - but she squeezed them shut and tried once again to become invisible. To escape. To....
To what, exactly? What would becoming invisible do in this situation? It was one of utter panic. "I need to study. I need to focus. I need -"
Her sentence was interrupted by a sharp hiss as she held up a hand to her temple, then slowly put it down, pretending as if nothing had happened.
"There's nothing wrong. It's only that I'm a little frustrated at not being able to focus." She didn't want to move... but she also didn't want to reveal just how bad she was doing. She needed to get herself under control, because the act she was giving Roland was almost pathetically untrue.

"Please," she insisted, narrowing her eyes, more tears threatening to fall. She looked annoyed, angry even - but below that was this undercurrent of desperation. "Leave. It's for your own good, Roland. Please. I am asking for a bit of concentration." Lord, did it murder her inside to lie and send him away, but it was for the best, lest he too, cry at the thought of fading forever. Hah... Fading forever? That would be quite the adventure, wouldn't it? Certainly it would be new - but then she wouldn't experience it, because she would have been stripped of everything that made her the young woman she was.
Well, she reasoned, he might leave her in peace if she were to tell him what was wrong...
So she told him, albeit very vaguely.
"I.... I need to study, otherwise I may f-f....fade..." It was getting hard to compose herself, so she tried to turn invisible, only to do so for a second, then revert.
Understandably, this is the point where Aswan balled her fists, tilted her head straight up, and let out a frustrated, strangled sort of sound. Something guttural. "Why?!" she whisper-yelled, drawing her fists close to her face. "Why will it not work, even though it's been natural?! I've been turning transparent so much as of late... So why not now?"
A sigh, as she took a deep breath and sat in silence for a minute, trying to hold back more tears. Hot, scorching tears, even though they should have been the coldest. There was no blood, no heart to keep the blood pumping, no actual, physical way to keep her warm...
Books were easier than people. Since when were books one to fail? Since when were books dysfunctional and about to break? Books never lost their cool, sharp edges and their loads of information. They didn't have to deal with stupid things like emotion. And books never died, never faded out of existence. Never needed a tie to their death place. Never needed to concern themselves with humans -
She stopped there. Books were easier than people. But Roland was not a book. And neither was love. Stupid as it was, distracting as it was... It was still love.
"I know you love me, R-Roland," she admitted in a strangely low voice, "a-and I love you too.... b-but.... I-I need to..."
And angry sobs covered the rest, as she snuggled into Roland.

@Saber

Aswan fully expected to cave to Roland. To let herself cry and ignore her work. To push aside every notion of the word, and seek shelter in the comfort of her boyfriend's arms, safe from the overwhelming, unbearable sense of defeat. To hide from being right - that she was going to fade and pass on, that she was going to leave behind everything else. That she would "die" all over again.
But the tiny part of her mind, the one who insisted it would work, insisted insidiously thatt she should study, and conquer, and know for sure she would absolutely NOT fail.
That part yelled for her to push everything away, to keep studying, to keep doing, even though she was running out of energy. No matter what, keep going. Keep seeking knowledge. Keep.
Keep.
She was terrified. Which only made her want to push Roland away, to keep him safe.
Keep.

To keep being. She had an unwavering want to keep being. To keep him safe and ignorant of her troubles. To keep herself alive - well, "alive". That is what prompted her to scrunch her face up in a sheer wave of anger. There was no way she could stop it - it bobbled up like a boiling spring, gathering steam. Even so, she tried.... really tried! She tried to keep her rage in, curling her fists and scrunching herself up and looking down and it wasn't working and she was worried she would yell. Aswan was scared, terrified, that she would yell and scream.
"I understand you lost your family, but-"
She'd almost said but I'm not your family. She tried again.
"I understand you lost your family but.... I-I won't be like that. I can do it. I will not allow defeat. I can do it on my own. I don't need help," Aswan said, anger building up, "I don't need emotion, or a break. I need results."
Even now, it was clear she was both speaking from her mind and going through a breakdown. A slow one, to be sure - but a breakdown. Despite what she said, she obviously needed a break.
"Results bring answers." It was simple and brilliant. But she couldn't find the answers, the results. She couldn't because they were hiding from her, surely they were, she KNEW they were!
Another flicker of visibility nearly sent her into a rage again and she held back the urge to throw something again and then she touched her forehead and she was suddenly once again in Roland's arms.
"Don't they? Logically... results would bring answers. So..."
Here it was again, the quietness again, the calm before the storm. A moment of contemplative peace. "So logically.... I wouldn't need help... b-because..." The kiss on her forehead buzzed and she dimly wondered why that worked instead of her invisibility. It was like she could never win.
"I-I don't need help," she managed in a strained voice. "I don't need help. I need results. I... I need for you to sit on the sidelines. I am asking you, as someone who loves you... please, sit on the sidelines. I need answers. I won't be going anywhere, because I will have figured this out. I-If I need help," she sighed, "I'll tell you."
There was the anger again.

@Saber