Private Finished My Fault

Jae sniffed and hiccuped, unable to control his sobbing. When the bowl was produced to catch his pearls, Jae leaned over it, distantly grateful for it. The pearls, big fat ones clattered into the bowl and he kept crying. The teen was vaguely aware of Mr. Edwin's words, heard them like they were from a voice in the distance.

His own inner voice drowned most of the world out. Was he dangerous? He wasn't. But was he? How could he ever be sure when his magic burned him from within when not expelled? Aunt Taliah treated him as dangerous. Jae cried for several minutes, until he felt as though he had rung himself dry. His eyes were red, and puffy and his shoulders gently shook with the occasional hiccup.

Finally, he found the strength to ask the question that hurt him the most. "Am, am, am I-I, am I d-dangerous?" Another hiccup, "I-is my, my magic b-bad?"

Jae hiccuped, torn by how happy he felt to hear those words, and guilt as he couldn't bring himself to fully accept them. He felt dangerous, why else would his aunt hurt him?

"I inherited my mother's siren magic." Jae explained, the words somehow easy to say. Strange how easy it became to speak of his own ugliness. "If I don't use it it will hurt me. But when I use it it makes me want to harm people. I can't escape it and-" He trailed off, the words catching in his throat.

Jae shook his head. "It's more than that." He murmured, then, louder. "It's. . ." His throat clenched. Why can't he say it? He knows to find a quiet spot to use his magic, but that wasn't what was really upsetting him. The fact that he couldn't convey his feelings brought a fresh wave of sniffs and hiccups. "It's my. . . My-" Jae hid his face in his hands.

He could remember his aunt's anger. Her hand raised and with it the knowledge that she hit him. "My aunt. . ." He finally spoke through his hands. "My aunt doesn't like it." He sniffed. "I tried, I tried to. . . show-but she-she. . ." Jae's never felt so weak and vulnerable. Did some foolish, stupid part of him still hoped that maybe this was all a mistake? Then something broke in him and the words came out. "She hit me."

Jae sniffed, and his eyes welled with fresh tears. This wasn't his fault. Jae felt such a rush hearing those words that he realized he wanted to hear them. To hear another person say it, and absolve him of his guilt. Several pearls streaked down his cheeks before he could brush the wetness from his eyes. This wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault that his aunt hit him.

Aunt Taliah did not care for him. Jae hated the truth. It made him think of his aunt and uncle in Hawaii, and the love they had for him. Jae wasn't related to them, yet they treated him as though he were their own child. What would auntie Sol or uncle Hwan say? The teen couldn't imagine what they could do. They did not live on the island, and he could not live with them.

"I don't know what to do." Jae admitted. Aunt Taliah didn't acknowledge him at breakfast that morning, nor cooked for him. The teen had to make do with toast and oyster sauce. It was heartbreaking to think she would never talk or cook for him again. Sharing meals together was the one of the few ways he felt like he bonded with his aunt.

He would stay in the dorms? And not go home? Jae tensed, unsure by the reaction he felt to that. The teen assumed that he would have to stay somewhere else for a time, but never go back? "Wh-what about my aunt?" He asked, tense again. "What's going to happen to her? She-" Jae trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say.

Aunt Taliah didn't care about him. She wasn't unkind to him. Aunt Taliah made him food, opened her home to him and gave him an allowance. "She. . ." She didn't want to hit him? Jae shook his head. Aunt Taliah had never acted like she wanted to hit him before. Last night she hit him because she thought he was going to use his siren song.

That didn't excuse her though! The teen shook his head again. Shifting through his emotions felt like untangling a huge knot. Where he thought he had a solid solution a complex tangle caught him off guard and made him pause. In the end Jae couldn't trust what he felt, good or bad, about his aunt. "What. . . about my possessions at her home?" He asked instead. Jae only cared about the magazines and letters his aunt and uncle sent in care packages.