Private Jasmine 2.0

Jasmine's heart was racing as she held herself close to Eric. It didn't slow down, but the pace and the feeling associated with it changed and made her head go a little light as he pulled her back and looked her in the eyes. Those gorgeous hazel eyes that made her go weak in the knees.

And then the racing beating of her heart changed again when he said that he had to admit something to her as well. The way he said it... it felt like the emotional equivalent of trying to balance on a fence.

Or it would have a few weeks ago. She wasn't sure if it was the medicine, the therapy, or the personal changes that the therapist had had her making. But even though she felt her stomach tighten up, it didn't feel like it was the end of the world like it had before.

"You can tell me anything, Eric. I love you, ya know? And if you can handle me telling you... that... then I can handle whatever you have to say."

Jasmine felt two very distinct feeling at once.

The first was pity, empathetic pain for Eric. She could see how much this was hurting him, especially since she knew exactly how he felt. Well, not exactly. She'd always had her attraction to guys to fall back on and not make things so awkward back home. But she knew how it felt to feel broken inside. Her therapist had been telling her for weeks now that being attracted to the same gender didn't make her broken. And if it didn't make her broken or bad, it certainly didn't make Eric broken or bad either.

But the other feeling was distinctly her own fault, for being too smart for her own good. Too quick on the draw. Too good at pattern recognition. And that feeling was the very obvious punch to the gut that came with Eric's confession. He doesn't love me the way I love him.

Jasmine was silent for a few seconds, maybe longer. But the expression on her face, twisting between hurt and confusion was pretty obvious. Finally she spoke up, but her voice sounded weird to her. So she stopped and tried again.

"There's no cure cause it's not a disease, Eric. You can't... my therapist says that you can't pick how your sexuality works. And so if you like guys... then you like guys... and there isn't anything wrong with that, but-"

She immediately regretted saying the but, and cringed outwardly at it. But it was too late now, and if she didn't keep talking he would think something much worse than what she was thinking.

"But it does hurt because I'm kind of realizing now that that means... that you don't love me. At least not in the way that I love you. And I don't know how to feel about that."

Jasmine let out something like a choked laugh, and she wiped at her eyes to get rid of tears that hadn't even welled up yet. She instinctively smacked her loosely clenched fist against Eric's arm, something that she had done ever since they were kids.

"Of course I can't be mad at you. You've always been my best friend. That's why I was so happy when you said yes to being my boyfriend. Like, dating your best friend? That's the dream, isn't it? I just, ah... I wish I'd known... so I wouldn't feel like such a moron for not noticing sooner. Some best friend, right?"

She was feelings... still pretty low. But it was a manageable low. Thank God for antidepressants.

"So... what does, ah, I mean- I guess..." Jasmine closes her eyes, leaning against Eric's chest and clinging to him. She needed a minute to think. To process. To just listen to his heartbeat.

Jasmine cut Eric off, or at least tried to. She put her hand up to his lips and squeezed her eyes shut as if that would stop her from hearing the words. But she knew that he was right. Tears welled up at the corner of her eyes and she pressed her face back into his chest.

"I know," she finally said, her voice as small as she felt in that moment. "I don't want to. I want to be with you. You're... the best thing that happened to me on this island. One of the only good ones, actually. But... ah, but I understand. We'd just... be making ourselves miserable. You'd be making yourself miserable."

Maybe he already was miserable with her. Jasmine sniffled and wiped at her face with her sleeve. "So... friends, then. I guess not much really changes except I can't kiss you anymore."