Private Finished it's about time

Vidi lowered the doll so he could properly look at Shay, eyebrows knotted with concern and some slight confusion. He'd hear her say he was beautiful earlier on, but hearing it again raised more questions especially regarding his current er, gender.

"You know it's really just me, but I guess I can't really ask you to pretend you can't see the difference. I'd really just shapeshift but I can't hold it for long." To make a point, he tried to force to shift into his female form, still wearing the same ensemble, then giving her a shrug before swapping back. "I actually don't know what's up with that."

He breathed out a sigh once that was out of the way, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He looked to be deep in thought, considering a few things. "Actually it is about that. I don't really know how to..." For a few seconds he seemed to flounder to find the right words, "How to feel about it? I mean it's nice and all but..." it's strange when my real parents didn't seem to want me.

Vidi let out a nervous laugh, "H-has he said anything?"

"Gosh, I wish it was easier to figure out which bit of the mentality it is," Vidi muttered dryly. He seemed to catch himself with this when he'd noticed Shay move but all she did was raise the stuffed animal in front of his face.

He kept to himself after that, letting Shay finish talking. He didn't miss the way she seemed to stop herself from going on. She... wasn't wrong, surprisingly. That's what it was like being with his family, or what was left of his family. The person he'd thought was his father disappeared before he could even remember things, his mother didn't hold back about blaming Vidi for him leaving, and apparently he had a different father who never came back for him at all.

His expression turned soft showing a little loneliness behind his eyes while he peered at Shay behind the stuffed animal, "If you were guessing, you're not really wrong. My mom made it pretty clear that she didn't want me, and it was apparently my fault her husband left her." He sighed, turning the doll so it was facing him instead. Thinking about his childhood made him forget he was supposed to be holding it up but that was a thought for later.

Vidi looked back up to Shay, just holding the stuffed animal up to his chin, "The simulator just made me think about things. That's all. And I guess I suddenly didn't know how to talk to him outside of the game considering everything else."

Vidi practically deflated when Shay had moved next to him like, almost like finally saying it out loud to someone loosed whatever knots he had going. And maybe it was a little nice to be comforted with hugs for once even if it wasn't a full on bear hug or anything. It was more comforting than the half-hearted ones he got from his mom when she tried to ease to his good side admittedly; maybe because he knew at the back of his mind that she didn't mean it when she said she was sorry for hitting him.

Sometimes he wondered why he could never have the heart to say anything bad about her when she'd certainly made his childhood a living hell. His thoughtful gaze moved to Shay just for a moment. Shay was really lucky to have met Klaus and Vito sooner in her and that... he was honestly jealous about.

"Yeah well, she probably already did. I have a feeling she thinks she was finally free of her responsibility over me as soon as I moved to the island," he said, laughing rather pathetically. He fell quiet again as he weighed Shay's words without having to tear up.

It was very hard, honestly -- it was a mix of relief and some added anxiety, a strange discomfort conflicting with all the good vibes he was supposed to feel with the affirmation. He grew up getting drilled daily that he was wrong in many ways, that he was a mistake that had to be corrected, and everything he would do would be frowned upon. It wasn't an easy midset to get out of.

Vidi breathed a shaky sigh, blinking away tears that were already forming at his eyes. He really hated getting emotional at anything but god be damned, this got too serious before he even noticed. He tried to laugh again, though his voice come out a little coarse. "I can't believe I have to get the pep talk from my apparent younger sister," he said, ruffling Shay's hair in a familiar gesture. "Thanks. I probably still need some more time before I could talk to either of them though. I still... have a lot of thinking to do."

Oh geez, was Shay crying too? No, no, no-- "Shay, no, you're not allowed to cry," he said, struggling to keep his voice from faltering. That was so hard to say when he was on the verge of crying himself, tears already at his eyes, blurring his vision yet he stubbornly refused to let them fall. "I'm already letting you sit this close, you're not allowed to cry for me or any of that bullshit," he tried to add, quickly wiping the tears off his face with his sleeve. He wasn't that used to people getting too close, nor did he allow many that priviledge and that was the closest he'd give people in his space. He'd only ever let a couple of people stay in that space of his, although it hadn't been a comfortable change at first.

Vidi gave a couple of sniffles, enough to give himself time to recover. He took a breath or two before he found his voice again. "Were they... ever mad at you?" he asked her. Did they ever seem like they were dumping all their anger at you? was what he really wanted to ask but he doubted he'd get a yes from her. If the game was anything to go by, being Irene was so different to being Invidia. Everything was so unreal that he found it odd to have a headspace for that persona even after a while.

The sigh that left Vidi was shaky. What did he even have to say for that? Tears of joy was a strange idea for her -- at least it was until he visited a few memories. His mother had been tearing up when he boarded the ship to Manta Carlos. He'd thought she was upset for her leaving but that wasn't until after spending a year away from her did all the realization hit him. It messed him up, that was sure but he was probably even more messed up before that.

Vidi refused to cry but the tears were overflowing and blinking them away only made them fall. It was a silent cry that he'd grown used to. Allmost like he wouldn't want anyone to notice: soundless, with only shaky breaths and hushed sniffles all while tears continued to roll down his cheek. Instead, he let Shay cry for him; for any reason she would come out with. Vidi reached out to pull her close with a one-arm hug of his own. He wasn't used to comforting others, but it somehow, now didn't feel so foreign to him either.

He couldn't smile through the tears though; there was a quirk at the corner of his mouth but it had never broke into a full smile. No lie, he was... kind of glad to know Shay had it better but there was the ever present pang of envy he could never shake off. Why couldn't it have been him? Why didn't his life go any better than it did? Why did he have to live his life with a mother who couldn't want him?

But Vidi only kept his grievances to himself, hid behind what little smile he could muster for Shay, "You found really good people, Shay," he told her. He was quiet for a moment, thoughts distant as a memory from far too long ago crossed his mind. Before he spoke again, he turned his gaze away, facing the wall of photos in the room. "Do you really think they'd feel that way with me?" he asked quietly.