Is it just me?

Jude was having doubts. In fact, that was pretty much a constant thing. He was just nothing but doubts. Doubts about who he was. Doubts about what he wanted. Doubts about what he was supposed to be doing.

He lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, and wondering if it was him. Was it him? Was Neve just fine? He'd had fun in the simulation, but once he'd come out--come out and got heckled for like six different things by Travis and Rory--he'd just been left feeling judgy.

Part of him felt like he'd only liked her because she'd been useful.

She didn't even wait. Did he? Of course not. She'd never wait.

Jude was pretty used to it. So he just kind of glanced over, letting out a sigh.

"Was Neve... weird to you?" He finally said, rolling the thoughts over in his head.

Okay. Alright. Maybe it wasn't going to be as bad as he thought, and Jude seemed to visibly relax.

"I... I kind of liked her, back in the VR. Like, I thought she was nice. The kind of girl I could... date, I guess. Especially considering how few people our age there were going to be on the colony. And then I woke up and my first thought was maybe we could go out, and then she was like..."

Jude's face pinched a bit.

"She was a bit like a kid. Like... I don't know. I feel judgmental. I feel like that with almost everyone. Back when you said that you felt like I thought you were stupid, I meant it when I said I didn't, but... I do with everyone else. Like, everyone. It's my first instinct."

Jude let out a slightly overdramatic groan at that.

"I don't know. It doesn't feel like slim pickings. It feels like everyone just... gets dates here. Like..."

Jude trailed off, scowling.

"I don't know. I want to just... do normal teenage things. And I'm doing that thing again, where I just ramble about my problems and ignore yours. Because... I don't know. You're probably feeling the same way."

Probably. Maybe.

She hadn't either. Had Travis? He felt like Travis probably had. Had Janelle? God, why was Janelle more likely to have gone on a date than either of them?

"Sorry," Jude said. "I shouldn't be dumping this on you. An- Officer Genovese is making me start doing to therapy. I might have..."

Jude trailed off again, making a frustrated noise.

"I keep doing the same things."

That was the core of it, wasn't it? That he was doing the same things over and over. Back at home he'd run off on his own and nearly got himself killed, rather than relying on his team. Here, he'd run off on his own and nearly got himself killed, rather than relying on his team. Back home, he'd judged people for being less than him, and now here he was doing the same thing. Back home, he'd vented to Rory without taking into account how much help she needed. And now here he was, doing the same thing.

"I want to do better and I don't know how."