Private Finished Here Comes A Thought

Keen

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A lot of things happened in these past few days. After Remi's recent session with Dr. Bryndísarson, she had been a lot more confident in some of her decisions, while more anxious in others. Regarding her decision about moving out and talking to Koda in particular. She already completed one big thing on her list, now it was time for the other big thing.

She had sent Koda a text to meet up in the courtyard, saying that she wanted to talk to him about something important in private. She made no attempt to soften her tone and tried to emphasize that it was serious. After he accepted, she prepared herself and arrived early. You could say she looked composed, but most would agree that she looked absolutely stoic.

When he arrived, Remi was seated on a bench that was a bit out of the way from everyone else. Her posture was a bit tense, but she wore a small, inviting smile. Next to her was a sparkly notebook that she moved out of the way and onto her lap, then she patted the spot for him to sit. "Hey."

Don't procrastinate. Don't sugarcoat. Just get to it. "So... I'm just... I'm just gonna go straight to the point and not waste time. I'm... really worried about you, Koda. Like," she noticed her eyes were drifting away from his and quickly forced herself to look at him, "your hallucinogenics. I know you need to use them for your spirit flights, and I know I'm not as knowledgeable about them as you, but I want to know more. I want to make sure you're okay, because right now, you act really... out of it and I'm not sure if you are okay.."


 

Kada

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Koda was... well, not nervous. He was never nervous. Javelina wouldn't allow that. Too close to fear. Instead he was... concerned in a way. It was a confusing emotion that he couldn't really explain. That was how Remi's text made him feel. But he wasn't scared, so he showed up at the time she had asked to meet him.

He exchanged pleasantries with her, nodding slowly and giving her that sleepy smile he basically wore half of the time he was awake. And then she dropped her bomb. Little to no warning. Koda blinked. And then he blinked some more. Koda opened his mouth to speak, then shut it. He wasn't afraid of saying, he just didn't know where to begin.

"I mean, my dad is trying to get me to where I don't need them. He does say that, like, if I use them too much there might be... like permanent consequences." Not a hint of worry in his tone, in his face, or even his body language. Koda's hands slipped into his pockets as she spoke, as if he were just waxing philosophical about the universe.

"I just can't... get the hang of it. It scared me real bad, my first flight. S'why my hair is white, ya know? Even with Javelina, it's hard to get into, like... the right mindset. So I take a few peyote buttons. Smoke some weed. Drop a little acid if I'm feeling super comfortable."
 

Keen

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Oh Ilada, she went too far. She shouldn't have just jumped right into it. They could have spoken about lighter subjects, then slowly got to the serious part. But no, Remi just had to step over the line, and her anxiety showed on her face. Actually, her expression kept flickering back and forth from extremely nervous to might-as-well-be-a-doll.

But... Koda took it... fine? He took it as relaxed as she could expect from him, but considering the subject, she was unsure how happy she should be about that.

"But... what kind of permanent consequences? I don't think you should value your spirit—No, wait. What I mean is, I want you to value your health the most. I'm sure there are other ways to help you that don't involve you... I don't know, whatever the permanent consequences are. I just want to help you however I can. Like, I'm sure if I do enough research with you, I can find alternatives that are safer, like on Ilada, and if you need me to visit you during your flights, I'll try to make time.

Remi took a deep breath, realizing that she was rambling and reaching a point where she wasn't really making sense. "Really, what I'm trying to say is, I want you to help me understand this stuff a bit more. Have you teach me or point me towards the right direction, then I won't feel so worried. I think that's the fairest solution for both of us."
 

Kada

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Koda kind of nodded as Remi spoke. He... sort of understood what she meant? She was scared? Worried? "Remi, I uh... hold on."

He turned and stared at the vague patch of light by his feet. Javelina. He muttered to his friend, telling him to back off. He felt the barriers against fear slowly lift from his person, but it didn't hit him immediately. Or at least it didn't seem to.

"So what... like, where to start..." Koda fidgeted with the hem of his jacket a bit. "I'm scared, Remi. Like legit scared that if I don't get control over my Flights, I'll end up just like my mom. Lost forever.And my old man is trying to help me, but I just... can't get the hang of it. And the more I use the hallucinogens, I feel like I sometimes don't know if this is now. Does that make sense?"

As Koda spoke, there was a slight increase of franticness in his voice. Not full on panic, but a definite change from the clear, monotone voice he usually had. The flashbacks scared him, he couldn't deny. And each passing second made him want to wanted to wrap himself back up in Javelina's power.
 

Keen

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Since Koda was putting in the effort to let his emotions show, Remi relieved herself of her apathetic expression and let the concern show on her face. There was a longing to hug Koda in there. Back home, no one would question you if you suddenly hugged a person in a time of need, but here, that could be seen as escalating things too fast and invading personal space, even if you're dating them.

Instead, she forced herself to sit there and listen. When he was finished, she let a few seconds of silence linger before giving a shaky sigh. She held back a smile, reserving it for when they neared the end of their talk.

"It makes complete sense to me. I'm scared for you, and I wish I knew how to help you. It's why I wanted to talk to you about this. To understand and... And to make sure you understand how I feel too."

Her voice was slowly starting to feel more helpless. She felt stupid for not being able to find the right words for Koda. The right solution. "Have you... ever told your dad about how you feel? How the hallucinogens are messing with your head and how scared you are? He's more experienced with Flights. Maybe he can help you find alternatives."
 

Kada

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Koda shrugged, looking at his feet. He didn't know how to answer Remi's questions. Not in any way that he thought would satisfy her at least. "I mean... no? But I don't usually... feel any particular way about it, ya know? Javelina kinda keeps that in check." He'd definitely thought about these things, in the times when he and Javelina had fought and the boar spirit had taken away his fearlessness until they reconciled. But it was...

"I don't think there's another way. You need to be able to enter an altered state of consciousness. But doing that on your own is really hard, and I-" like the high? That was a hell of a leap, he felt. He did kind of enjoy it, sure, but he wouldn't say that he was addicted. "-I just can't get there without it."

Now, it seemed, Koda couldn't stop talking about how scared he was. It was like putting a quarter in a jukebox; the song was just going to play now.

"If I don't have my Shaman stuff... I don't really have anything. Like. I'm not interesting. I don't really have hobbies. I just hunt and help my dad and..." And nothing. He had barely even left his house except for school and a handful of times to just go do stuff.
 

Keen

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Remi fidgeted with her hands, struggling to keep her eyes from darting off, only beginning the process of her dissociation. That is, until Koda said he didn't have anything without his shaman stuff. Offended would be the right words for her emotions. Hurt? Surprised? Definitely concerned, but what was new about that?

"Koda, do you think I'm only dating you because of you're a shaman? That's only part of what I admire about you. I'm, like, a bundle of anxiety, but you're so calm that you make me realize I'm being silly and need to chill. And you stood up for me when John and Jii were stressing me out. I know I got frustrated after both of those times, but I was still happy you did that for me. You actually have a backbone. Javelina may help you do that stuff, but it's still you doing it."

She took a deep breath. Once again she was letting herself get carried away with a long-winded speech. "I like the Koda who's all calm and chill, but I especially like the Koda who'll open up to me about his emotions like now. There's more to you than you think."
 

Kada

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"That wasn't what I-" Koda winced a bit as he realized that, yeah. He had insulted Remi's taste by implying... "dammit. Sorry."

Koda was quiet for a little while, deep in thought. He had a lot to actually consider, and frankly he wasn't exactly sure where to begin. Well, no. That wasn't true. The first step was talking to his dad. Telling him how he really felt. But that was probably scarier than any worries he had about frying his brain. How was Koda supposed to just tell him that he didn't want to be a Shaman if it meant screwing himself up? He looked at Javelina, who was still sulking off by himself. Then back to Remi. "I'm gonna talk to Dad. Tell him, uh... how I feel. I'll keep you updated."

He gave Remi a smile; a smaller, more tired one than he usually gave. "Can I call you if, uh, things don't go well?"
 

Keen

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"It's fine. I'm happy you said it. I want you to know all the reasons I like you."

She let the silence linger while Koda took some time to think. She herself needed some time to think. Negative thoughts nagged at her that almost made her want to cry. They said she said too much. That she was overwhelming Koda. That she was being selfish with her requests. Once again, her eyes began to lose focus and drift onto nothing in particular.

Koda snapped her out of it before she could become too far gone. For a moment, she thought she misheard, but no, he was actually taking her advice! A big, dorky smile spread across her face, and in a moment of absolute glee, she hugged him.

"Yes! Of course. I'll support you all the way. I'm just... I'm just so happy you're taking the steps to get better. And if things go bad, you can be as angry at me as you want."
 

Kada

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"Ah... thanks, Gemstone. I think I'm gonna need it. Not the, uh, being angry at you part. But just. Help. Talking. I dunno how it's gonna go, but..." Koda kind of scooted closer to Remi and leaned his head on her shoulder. He felt tired all of a sudden, the weight of suddenly feeling. Was this gonna be what it was like all the time? He grimaced a bit. This was gonna be hard if it was.

"Hey, uh... can I, like. Kiss you? I don't know if we're, uuhhh- if that'd be too awkward right now." He was definitely gonna talk to his dad after this. After a nap. And a meal. Maybe not the meal, but definitely a nap.
 
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