Freeze Your Brain

"I can come tonight," Valli said without any sort of pause. He was already in the process of writing a note for Gask. "I can be over in... a half hour?" He already had her address from his file--especially with her under house arrest--and while he'd never visited, it wouldn't be hard to find.

He would wait for her to confirm before he hung up, bundling himself up before heading out the door.

—-

It took him longer then he'd have liked to find it, but it was more or less what he expected, a nice place on the edge between the good and bad part of town. It was easy enough to find, and Valli didn't feel too out of place, which had been a real concern considering Shay's history.

He knocked twice, looking heavily bundled up against the weather.

Shay looked like a mess, but Valli was very used to messes. He'd seen much, much worse, and the level of mess he was looking at was more or less what he'd expected, considering her situation.

He shuffled in, unwrapping a scarf from his neck and then deciding it was probably better not to get too comfortable. There was no telling how long he'd be there, so he opted for leaving his coat on.

"Is it just you here tonight?" He suspected as much. If she wasn't alone, she might not be in such a bad situation, which is why he was there at all. "If you have any ground rules, or anything else, you only need to say."

Valli had, for the most part, thought she was doing well. Even after what happened. It made sense that she'd be upset, and yet she hadn't. She'd pulled through prison and into house arrest without any sort of attempt, and Valli had been genuinely proud of her.

Hearing that she'd lost her child was a kick in the gut. Sometimes--perhaps more often then was safe--Valli wondered what people did to deserve the kind of suffering they endured. Hadn't she had enough? What had she done to deserve this?

"Oh Shay," Valli said. There was no good answer for this. If tried to be stoic and emotionless it gave the impression he didn't care. If he cared too much, he slid into unhealthy territory for a therapist.

"It's okay to be numb," Valli said. "And it's okay to be upset. Every emotional response is a right one. There's no wrong answer in situations like this. But you shouldn't be alone. Have you... already told Fitz?" One way or another, she needed to be with someone. Being alone was a bad idea in a situation like this.

Well, at least he could deal with that much. 'How to tell a loved one a hard truth' was very, very firmly in his playbook. He could definitely handle that, even if the rest--everything about gods and whatnot--was... less so.

So he focused on that, first and foremost.

"The best way to do it is to call him on the phone. Even if it's important, I can almost gaurentee he'll think this is more important. You tell him that it's not a life or death emergency, but that it is very important, and that if he can, he should come home, because you need to talk to him about something. That way he doesn't think someone's breaking in or something else like that, but understands that it's important, and has time to brace himself for getting home and talking to you about it," Valli said, his voice very careful as he tried to process the rest.

God. He wasn't prepared to talk about God. It was pretty clear she was talking about capitol-G god, only Valli was in uncertain territory there. He'd never believed in that god. He had his own.

Which was making this a mess. Therapy when it came to religion was a mess. There were no clear lines. There were no clear answers. Best practice was generally avoid the subject entirely, only he had a sneaking suspicion that Shay would notice if he tried.

So he did his best to be honest.

"It sounds as if you were raised with a specific set of religious views, but that you're having a hard time reconciling them. Maybe someone of that faith would be able to help you find the answers you're looking for, or maybe it would be better to pull away, and accept that you simply can't make yourself believe in that sort of god any further. Not all religions are the same. Some have answers to those questions. Some don't."

Valli had turned away when she made the phone call. IT was too quiet for there to be any pretense of him not hearing, but the idea was that he wasn't staring, and was giving her at least some pretense of privacy, even if it wasn't actuality.

"Orphanages often come with built in christian imagery, even if they aren't truly religious institutions," Valli pointed out. "The church has a strong connection with the industry, and permeates it even when attempts are made to separate the two."

Well, that and the Catholic adoptive father.

"Going to church doesn't make your mental health less messy. I can be an effective coping mechanism for some, but not any more than therapy or other types of selfcare." Going to church her whole life wouldn't have made her less fucked up, even if she clearly had that idea.

Maybe he shouldn't have, but Valli couldn't help but smile when she said you had to do things for yourself.

"Doing things for yourself a fundamental... right? Instinct? I have to admit I'm drawing a blank on the word right now, but the idea is that yes, you're right--you have to do things for yourself. You have to see the changes you want to make and do them yourself. Maybe on this island even more than elsewhere, because there's even more options for you to take."