Find Solace In Memories

Praxian. Rada had heard of that race, aliens, if she remembered right. From another planet. But that was about all she knew. So when Zienna spoke about them being able to share their minds with others it was news to Rada, and she turned to look at Zienna with slight surprise on her face. So that was what the blonde had done. "Shared her mind". Well, that she certainly had done, and it still rubbed Rada the wrong way.

"I can't, and even if I could I wouldn't do it. I hate when my mind is invaded, I'd never do it to someone else. Ever."
There was bitterness in Rada's voice when she said that, and the anger that flared in her when nasty memories raised their ugly heads was visible in her eyes. But Rada tried to keep her expression under control, since she didn't want Zienna thinking Rada was angry at her or something.
"I'm stuck with emotions. My own and others'"
Rada let out a bitter chuckle at that, and poured shots for herself and Zienna again and she raised a brow at the woman.
"Was that all you wanted to know? I thought you were the one supposed to be talking."

"Busy rather than impatient. I don't got all night, unfortunately."
Rada stated, she probably had until midnight before anyone started missing her, and emptied her glass again. Watermelon wasn't her favourite either, but she wasn't picky, and she could taste the quality in the drink so she didn't mind drinking it in the slightest.
Zienna's story got a laugh out of Rada, and she grinned at Zienna while nodding thanks for filling her glass. They hadn't exactly gotten off the right foot, but that didn't mean they couldn't have normal conversations. Rada didn't want to bicker constantly, either.
"And what, did they give you a piece of their mind right after? Maybe in the form of a fist?"
Rada asked with a small snicker.

Rada could see the disgust, and she frowned and huffed.
"If it's so disgusting then you should've told me to bring blackberry. You seemed to like that."
Rada commented, rolled her eyes and emptied her glass. But she went silent when Zienna began telling a story again, but this time the pain and sadness spiked again. That was a sign for Rada that these words were about or had to do with whatever had made Zienna so miserable.
"No, I can't imagine."
Rada said, her tone not as brash anymore, it was just a neutral statement, not meant to disrupt Zienna's speech.

Once Zienna really got into her story Rada set her glass down and concentrated on listening. Really listening. And what Rada got was that Zienna had been looking for someone, someone really important to her, for a long time, and that person was on this planet. But when Zienna had actually gotten to them...it had been too late, so to say. Zienna spoke about killing that person, but Rada wasn't sure whether it was literally or mentally. Whatever the case was, Zienna was really suffering, and now Rada knew why. More or less, Zienna's story had been bit confusing. But it was clear enough for Rada to know that that important person was now gone. Maybe by Zienna's hand, which probably made the situation even worse. Rada, at first, didn't know what to say. She personally had killed people, and she had lost people important to her. But Rada didn't have any situations where those two combined. She had been lucky enough to avoid that. But after some silence Rada spoke up, after sighing and filling Zienna's glass if it was empty.

"I'm a simple woman. And I don't know how bad the situation was without seeing it. But if it were me, and I don't say this lightly...I would've done the same."
Rada said, her voice quieter now but as certain as it could be, because she gave her answer a lot of thought. She imagined that situation and the worst case scenario with her closest loved ones. Her mother. One or two of her friends. Cazimir, and even her siblings. And Rada knew if one of them strayed too far over the edge, so far a lifetime of recovering couldn't bring them back, she would've let them out of their suffering. Because they themselves wouldn't have wanted to see themselves like that. It wasn't living anymore, when someone became like that.

It was like Rada descended together with Zienna into the pit of misery that she had inside her, as the woman talked on. She could feel the despair and self-disgust and sadness increase and increase, so much it was almost hard to concentrate on what Zienna was saying. But in the end Rada was able to hear everything, and it wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all. Small part of Rada went out to both Zienna and the person she had found, had tried to set free of the prison that was their own mind, but in the end hadn't been able to. But even though Zienna said that Rada knew. The person she was talking about wasn't around anymore. They were gone. And had left a huge hole inside Zienna as they went.

This was all a lot, and Rada knew most people would've probably noped out at this point, especially since it sounded like Zienna wasn't done yet. But Rada wasn't going anywhere. Rada wasn't stupid, she had considered the possibility of hearing something very heavy when she had set out to listen to Zienna. Rada had heard many life stories during her own, and this was among the more heavy ones, and this was still just a fraction of Zienna's life. But Rada was pretty sure what Zienna should start with, something she hadn't seen the woman do during the months she had seen her.

"Let it out."
Rada said, her voice bit louder than before and her tone steady but demanding, she was feeling the immense feelings that Zienna was keeping inside. She could guess what it felt like. Her head and chest probably felt stuffed full, ready to burst. It felt like the weight on her had increased hundredfold. Rada knew that feeling very well, personally and from other people.
"I don't care how, but you need to let all that I know you're feeling out. Scream, yell, cry, attack me if you need to. Just...let it out. It's just me here, and I won't say anything."

A small sigh escaped Rada's lips when Zienna refused to do something to let out the feelings she had. Well, of course she did. Rada had a feeling that if Zienna started that now she wouldn't be able to stop for a while, and that meant she wouldn't be able to finish her story. Well, Rada would've been fine either way.
"Suit yourself."
Rada said, trying not to sound frustrated or like she blamed Zienna, and she went quiet again to let the woman finish the story.

And what a story it was. Zienna didn't go into the dirty details, but she said more than enough, and though Rada tried to keep her face as blank as possible she did have a small frown. Rada understood more and more why Zienna was so down in the dumps. This dear person to her, who she had kept close to her out of desperation despite it being too late for them, had basically sacrificed themselves for Zienna. And at the end Zienna, with a smile on her face, revealed that that person had been her twin sister. Surprisingly that fact didn't move or shock Rada a lot. Her life had made her lose belief in family. Blood wasn't a bond in itself, blood could be a comnection as well as shackles. And for Rada they had been the latter, still were. In more ways than one. But this was different, Zienna and her sister had been very close, that much was obvious. All the feelings Zienna felt were all transferring to Rada as well, and although they didn't infect her Rada's chest felt heavy and filled to the brim.

The glass shattered, and almost made Rada jump. Almost. She looked at Zienna's hand, it was probably wounded and bleeding, but right now that wasn't the first thing to concentrate on. Rada looked at Zienna's face, not sure what to say to a woman who was suffering so much. And now Rada knew truly how much.
"I'm not a therapist, and I can't heal you. I said that already."
Rada started with that, to make sure that any comments she made or opinions she had weren't voiced in the intent of making Zienna better. Rada didn't have that power, only when Zienna decided she wanted to heal would she be able to.
"There are many things I have to say about what you just told me, I'm not sure where to start even, really. Or if you even want me to say anything."
Rada shrugged, took the vodka bottle and this time drank straight from it instead of from the glass. Not a lot though, she needed to be sober for this. But after Rada had taken that drink she began pouring the vodka on the ground, firm eyes on Zienna.

"You have already probably noticed it, but pouring alcohol at your misery doesn't make it go away. So you should at least stop doing that. If you want to move in steps, then you should confront all of the shit inside you in steps. Slowly. Remember all the good and bad times with your sister, remember all what you did to her and what she did to you. And you should remember what you have left. That the world still turns and life goes on and so should you, even if it takes a while. 'Cos if you don' t you're gonna be left behind, and you shouldn't be okay with that."
All of these words came from Rada's heart, from a place she rarely opened, but she felt like it was necessary for her to be vulnerable in this situation as well. In order to give sincere advice.
"Your sister...she died because she wanted you to live. And if you keep going like you're going that's not living. That's you dragging your husk from one day to another."