Event Open Dying inside, Just to breathe in

Waking up was the hardest part. His own memories driving into him, Maria angry in his skull. He felt his lightness, the lack of pain. He could stand up and walk and it was no longer a struggle. Most would've been relieved. He felt - so hollow. He had forgotten what it was like to laugh, to have friendships, to feel fully and never wonder if what he was feeling came from himself or the demon.

It was like dying all over again.

William could feel the demon in his head clawing at his mind, tipping him into sorrow for what he had just lost. He felt as if he had forgotten how to use his masks momentarily. Like everyone could read his face. But even this was not the worst part. He could deal with the ripping away of half his emotions. The memories haunted him, but they were dim. He could no longer relate to why he had grinned at that joke or been pleased to see a friendly face. He was aware of his loss, acutely aware, but he would adapt to it. And he did not constantly feel happiness even when he could.

The worst part was the way his hands itched, the cravings so strong they were nearly physical. This hunger to rip the life out of someone. The need to be constantly resisting, fighting himself. The knowledge that while he was not exactly dangerous because he could be so easily overpowered, all he wanted to do was drain them. It grieved him deeply, even though he lacked the capacity for genuine caring - he could still feel regret.

He wanted to go back. He wanted to forget that he had been human again. He wanted to remember laughing, even if he couldn't feel joy anymore. He didn't know what he wanted but - he had to get out of this room.

He tried to talk - to give explanations to those that needed them, but the crowd was agitating. He left, finding a corner where he could just think. He needed to talk - to someone, anyone. He wished he could cry. He wished he could keep up his mask and not be breaking like this. But - he couldn't. The wraith leaned against a wall. He couldn't handle the crowd, but maybe he could handle a one-on-one conversation. He was fairly certain he was not the only one who would wish to vent about this situation.

William questioned why he had thought leaning against the wall and waiting to talk to someone would be a good idea with each person that passed by. He felt vulnerable and tense as the memories of what had happened to him right before he had attempted the VR came back. He was so short here, weak, in a way more fragile than he had been as the crippled doctor. Even though he was practically invulnerable here, immortal as long as Maria stayed, he was aware how weak that was when people could just pick him up and carry him wherever they chose and hurt him in ways that the VR had not.


And each person made his cravings scream, the sudden return to addiction after what almost seemed like a lifetime without it, setting him back years of control. Not to mention the fact that the demon in his head was forcing him to cycle wildly between fear and anger, straining his usual mask to the limit. After being in control of his own emotions even for so brief a time, his resistance to her manipulations was damaged. And how long had it been since he had fed? Long enough that he knew he was starting to fade, but at least not so long that his gloves were in danger of falling off.


He wanted to speak. To reach out to someone. But he flinched whenever anyone looked his way. And even if someone did approach him - what would he say? He still had a mask to maintain, and it was even more imperative that he kept it up here than it had been there. It was almost like living in a world of enemies - and he was unable to make friends.

And then someone did approach him. A man who was glamorous and flirty and bright and made-up - deeply unsettling to the wraith for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on, but were probably related to his own insecurities. At least the flamboyant man was not much taller than he himself was and didn't resemble a certain frightening man. He almost recognized the other man's face, but he couldn't quite tell. He was fairly certain that the man must resemble his VR counterpart to a closer degree than some others at least physically. And when he spoke -

"JV?" It struck him suddenly that this man had been a friend to him, and it hurt him to the core that he could no longer have that. A burst of grief threatened to overwhelm him - he might have shed tears if his dead body could produce them. As it was his eyes widened momentarily before the emotion was stamped out and he snapped a neutral expression back on his face. At least he knew the feeling had been his own.

He answered, coldly polite though it was killing him a little to do so. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to open up to this man who was a bitter reminder of just what it was he had lost. "It... is William actually. Dr. William Brown. I am actually a doctor... But I generally do not give my first name to strangers." He was going to leave it at that but... He felt he owed the man something. "Apologies. I am aware we were... friends -" he choked a bit on that, coughing to cover it up. The coughing sounded odd as if it was something his body was unfamiliar with. "But this is the real world now, is it not?"

His voice may have been cold, but William never could hide his emotions from his eyes. He couldn't have friends because he couldn't read people, couldn't quite relate, felt no joy or positive emotions at all. But he could regret not having them, and not being there for others. All he had were memories that he didn't think he could bring himself to remove and the cravings beating at him. He was dangerous - didn't deserve friends in the first place. But - he didn't want to hurt the other man either.

"No. you..." He wasn't sure what to say. and wasn't a great judge of emotions either. This wasn't the man he had been friends with, but it was. Suddenly he wanted to reassure the man or to know that - for a moment Maria hadn't had a hold on him and he could feel something real. "I do not regret the friendship. It's just not real... Impossible. It is impossible. You ... would not want to be friends with me here" The wraith fidgetted with his gloves not quite wanting to look Juniper in the eyes. He was filled with guilt. Juniper was human and could easily be his victim and his demon did not allow him any comfort. But he wished he could forget again.

He didn't know what had brought him here, or he did, but it had been a mistake. He felt everything too strongly and he didn't want to drag anyone down. Why did it have to be someone he'd laughed with to talk to him? "I can't laugh" It was an outburst for the usually collected man, but it was quiet and strained. Too was much going on in his head. He was seeking connection but the wildly cycling emotions wouldn't let up. When their eyes met, he looked away. For a brief moment, his pain would be clear, but his mask was all he had now and it was too dangerous to let another person slip beneath it. Still, William said one word. "Escape." A short answer but an accurate one. It was hard to open up even so little.