Private Dear Future Yuki (a diary)

Dear Future Yuki,

I started therapy today. The kind of therapy I'm doing is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT for short.

I like Dr Nakano, but I also don't like her. She's nice, but she's surprisingly tough. She doesn't mince words at all, and it's a little bit harsh. But I read somewhere that you have to be brutal when it comes to discouraging bad behaviours. So it's alright. But it still hurts.

She doesn't push me too far though so it's good. I think I'm definitely not alright yet, but I don't think I'm ever going to be completely alright. She said things like this are never fixed, so maybe there's no hope. And that makes me feel miserable. But when I go to her sessions, I feel better. I'm going to have a session everyday.

That's all for now.
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,
Gabe wants to meet me again.

He wants to talk. I'm so excited I can't sleep, so I'm writing this instead. And watching anime. Because if I think about Gabe too much, I'm worried my heart will explode.

And I won't be able to talk to him if I'm dead.

I'm excited, but also scared. In case Gabe wants to break up with me. In case he decided he hates me so much he wants to shout at me in person. But I'm just... I'm glad he's okay. That he's not...gone.

I'm going to carry on watching now.
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

I know you're going to look back on this moment very fondly.

I'm currently sitting in Gabe's house, watching a bunch of Haikyuu episodes. It's really good. And... I'm feeling really good. Gabe gave me a key to his apartment. He said I could come over whenever. And he loves me. And he doesn't want to break up with me. And we...we did some kissing and some more than kissing stuff. But I'm not going to go into that because even thinking about it makes me feel really embarrassed.

But I feel amazing. I feel so happy I think I'm crying.

Gabe asked me what was wrong and I just said I was so happy that I couldn't help but cry. He gave me a hug and we just watched the rest of season one. I'm at home now. I miss him already. I want to spend every waking moment of every day with him. I want to be with him all the time. He's so amazing, and we're so good together. He makes me so happy, but not as a saviour or anything.

Just as a boyfriend, and a best friend. He's so amazing. I love him so much. If I don't stop writing now I'm going to gush about him all day.

Until next time.
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

I don't even know where to begin. I'm so happy that it scares me. I'm so sad sometimes that it scares me. It's like I was living life from the sidelines, but now I've suddenly been thrown into the deep end of the action. Like I'm the protagonist of some manga or something. (I haven't figured out the genre yet.)

I went to the Lilac Ball today. It's a ball organised by students, with semi-formal attire. Me and Gabe matched. It was very cute. And afterwards we went to get tacos. Which was amazing. Also I need to learn Spanish sometime. It was weird being left out of the conversation.

Also, Gabe stayed over and we fell asleep on the couch together. I can still remember the taste of chicken on his lips. Which is weird but it tastes good. Maybe because Gabe but also definitely because the tacos were just that good.

But sometimes I feel sad and worthless. I don't know where it comes from. I need to talk to Nakano about it. I'm a lot better now with my panic attacks (i.e. I barely have any lately - it's amazing!) but I just feel...really sad sometimes. I wish I knew what caused it. We're working with Nakano on that. Also I should probably just try to see my friends more. Gabe said we could schedule a friend outing. Which sounds nice.

Okay, I'll stop writing now. It's a Sunday, but Gabe's mum probably wants to see him home soon-ish. Plus I bet Gabe is getting uncomfortable in his dress clothes. I'll see if I can lend him anything.

That's all for now! Bye!
- Today's Yuki

[A few days before the Lilac Ball]

Dear Future Yuki,

I love Gabe so much. He's so sweet and gentle and always makes sure I'm okay to kiss him before he goes for it. He's so considerate; even though I told him it's always okay he still asks. And I like that. He said he'll never say no if I want to kiss him too.

We spent a lot of time together today. He came and took me by surprise to ask me if I wanted to go to the ball, and of course I said yes! I'm really excited. We even ate sukiyaki together - him and me and Mahalia and Ace. It was really fun, but Gabe kept teasing Mahalia and Ace. I'm almost certain that those two are dating. I'm happy for them.

Anyway, I have some things to think over, mostly about the ball and what I might wear and how to plan for any situation, since all we know is that it's semi formal. Maybe it'll be like a school dance? Those American ones? I've never been to one of those, except like a school disco. Which is probably not the same. I don't know.

Anyway, I'll probably write more later. That's all for now!
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

I've missed writing in this diary. I'm finally home, in case my ability to write in this diary again hasn't made it obvious.

It's strange. I'm glad to be home, but part of me knows that this isn't really it. It's just...when people say home is where the heart is, I find myself agreeing. But in the opposite sense. Home is where you put your heart, rather than where your heart stays. And I think I left my heart in Green Meadows. Or part of it, at least.

The house never really felt so empty until today. So...so friendless. I was happy here, but now... I don't know anymore.

But there's one thing I do know. I'm Yuki Hayashi. Not Hayashi Yuki. So I'm going to suffer, and I'm going to struggle, and I'm going to be weak. But who cares? I'm allowed to do that.

The knowledge is freeing.

- Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,

Sometimes I feel like I'm too happy. Like there's some kind of happy allowance or happy meter and that once it exceeds capacity something awful will happen. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm out of Green Meadows, I'm back with my boyfriend, I'm friends with Katie again... I don't think things will ever go back to the way they were before. I haven't spoken to Ganymede in months, and... I kind of feel like we're not friends anymore. Which makes me feel really sad.

I felt like a part of me died once I was put into the facility, and I don't think I'll ever be able to return to those days. I... I miss everyone. Katie's moved on, Carmin... I hope he's moved on. But I also hope that we can still be friends. I still feel awful about what happened to him. I don't think these feelings have ever been addressed, and I think they probably need addressing. I mean, Nakano was right. I'm not the one who kidnapped him, and I'm not the one who turned him into a plant, but... I feel so awful. I don't think I can comfortably spend time in the part of town near the police station anymore, or go to places where I might bump into an officer in case I meet... him. I can't face him. I hate him. He's probably still disgusted by me. I feel guilty around him.

But I think eventually things might get better. They're certainly a lot better than when I was in Greenies. At least I don't want to die anymore. Or want to kill myself. Or think that I deserve either of those things.

But I still don't know if I deserve to be happy, even after going through that community service. And... Ferret probably still hates me. But I guess that's alright, since I haven't seen her around anyway. And I don't even think I'm ready to write about Jasmine. Everything is just so complicated.

Anyway, that's all for now.
- Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,

I'm pretty excited about my date today! Gabe and I are meant to be going out together - we're going to meet in the park and go for an amazing romantic stroll, then we're going to stop by a coffee shop for some pastries and tea, and then we're going to go to Mertown! Finally! It took a little bit of coaxing Gabe into it, but he said he'll do it if I hold his hand the whole time. Which is easy, because I love holding his hand! It's warm, and it's tougher than mine. All comfort and strength. I love that about Gabe, but then again I love a lot of things about him.

But the reason I wanted to go now is because it's still warm! These kinds of places are better to go to when it's still warm, or else it just feels cold. Imagine all the seafood that probably tastes amazing! Fish, scallops, and all other sorts of tasty crustaceans. I wonder if I'll get to eat some kind of lobster. Or maybe they have that really cool fish meat thing that you can make taste like anything. I wonder if Gabe's had that before. Mahalia made it with curry once, and it was pretty tasty! It tasted kind of like chicken. She said she grew up eating that kind of thing, so... yeah.

Well, anyway, I'd better head out soon. The date starts in half an hour so I'm going to get Ace to drive me.

That's all for now!
- Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,

Oh. My. GOSH.

Today was SUPER FUN!!!!! And I mean that. Because I never write in block capitals!!! (Or use this many exclamation marks.) Today was the best! THE BEST!!! I went to this VR open event because I'd heard about the Space Station and I'd wanted to check it out for a really long time, but I never got around to doing so!

And I'm so glad I did.

This was so cool! I got to be a hacker! And I HAD LASER CANNONS!!!! It was kind of like a nerf gun. I could change it into a handgun if I wanted to! And I had a backpack full of cool stuff! And I could feel myself doing all of these cool things that I wouldn't be able to do in real life! And when a deadly monster attacked me in game, I could feel my heart beating like crazy in my chest, as if everything was real. It was so cool. And I think I made new friends! And I could remember my backstory in the game as if it was my real past, but I knew it wasn't my real past. If that makes sense. And I was so foul-mouthed and confident. The confidence is something I'd like. I was flirty, too. Which is so unlike me. And I made so many banter-ish jokes! I really felt like I had a found family.

The event ended with a game over though. Xera's in-game character killed the bad guy which set off the kill switch which set the whole building to explode and we all died. That was fun but also kind of dissatisfying, but you can't always get a happy end. If I meet Bran, Lizzy, Rhett or anyone else from the VR again I'm going to ask about how their side of the mission went.

Also, I ended up having food with real-life Xera, Ana and Gabey, since his work shift ended at the same time as the event.

I wish he could have come. Then it would have been perfect. I'm probably going to pay for us two to have a private VR experience someday. Maybe we'll go on a space date or something? I feel like that would be embarrassing though. So maybe we'll play a VR music game. Or!! Oh!! We could play VR mario party! That would be so cool!!

Anyway. You can tell I've had a great day. I'm getting sleepy and Gabey is looking at me like he wants to cuddle, so I'm going to give him some quality time now.

I wish every day could be like this...
-Today's Yuki