Private Dear Future Yuki (a diary)

Dear Diary,
Hmmm... I think I might change that. Maybe 'Dear Future Yuki' instead. I think that would be nicer.

Apparently keeping a record of your thoughts and emotions can help you to manage them. When things get intense or something good happens, I'll write about it here so I can look back on it in future. If nothing else, this will be a fun way to pass the time!

I've decided to do what I can to get over my intense emotional outbursts. They're not normally that bad, but for some reasons I somehow keep ending up a mess when Gabe is involved. I hope that stops. Ever since meeting him, everything in my life has gotten more intense. I feel happier, sadder, angrier, more scared. I don't know if that's good or bad.

It's almost like a lock has been opened inside me, or something poetic like that. I'm a bit different now, but I think I like it. I'm more comfortable around people. But before that, I was more controlled. Then I met Gabe, and my mask kind of flew off. I couldn't pretend, and I started freaking out openly. I lost control a lot.

But that's way too much about Gabe. We aren't even talking at the moment, since he has some kind of issue he has to deal with alone. I can trust him to deal with it on his own.

Besides, I have other friends too, like Azucena and Ganymede and Carmin! They're all great fun to hang out with. I wish they were friends with each other too, though. Maybe we could all hang out! It'd be my first time!

Anyway, I'm writing too much. Each entry is only meant to be a page or so.

Until next time!
- Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,
Today I met with Marluxa! They were in the community centre. Well, it's spelled 'center', because of American English being common here. A lot of people have American accents, but I suppose that's not what I'm writing about today.

Oh, and Katie showed up too! I don't really know her that well, but she seems nice. We worked together in maths class. I think we might both be equally bad at it... maybe.

I'm glad to see my other friends are still around. I was worried that I might be a mess again without Gabe. Thankfully things seem to be going well! I do miss him, though. I think it's because we became friends so fast.

Now and again, I wonder if I like him. I felt a desire to kiss him the other day, and sometimes I just want to give him a big hug. But he's dealing with something right now, so I shouldn't.

Until next time!
- Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,
I'm a bit worried about Gabe. I saw him at school today, and he kind of ignored me.

I don't think he did it on purpose! He was probably just... Busy. Yeah, busy. He did pick up... Well, to be honest, I have a feeling that he might be avoiding me. This isn't the first time he's pulled this - it's been going on ever since he texted me.

I don't really ever see him in the dance studio either. I hope he didn't stop going because of me...

I still practise piano after school sometimes. Ganymede swings by too, and we play all sorts of pieces and give each other tips! It's always fun to play piano - it helps me to relax and forget about my problems, and sometimes it helps me to express myself properly.

Until next time!
- Today's Yuki

[Jagged handwriting, not controlled at all. The letters are violently scribbled onto the pages in irregular handwriting and the thoughts span multiple pages.]

DAMMIT.
DAMMIT!
DAMMIT!

FREAKING DAMMIT!

I'M SO STUPID!
I'M SO WORTHLESS!
I'M SO COWARDLY!

[The handwriting becomes a little more controlled, and manages to keep to the same page. It still doesn't look like his regular neat penmanship, though.]
Stupid, stupid, stupid... I had another panic attack. I went and did it again. Even now, I'm barely on the cooldown, hiding behind the community centre like a little child. I feel so pathetic. I feel so terrible. I don't know why this keeps happening. Whenever someone tells me to breathe, I always feel like I forget how to freaking do it... I hate it. I hate this. I hate myself when this happens.

Why can't I do it? It's just letting air enter and exit your lungs. It should be easy. It should be doable. I do it all the time without thinking, so why can't I do it when it really counts?
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

[Tears are dotted on the page, causing some of the ink to bleed and leaving moisture marks from where they fell.]

- Today's (worthless) Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

Today is going much better. I'm surrounded by good friends, good weather and a good atmosphere. I'm so lucky that most of the regulars who come here are people I get along with, and that everyone is normally so nice and welcoming. I honestly don't deserve all this goodness...

Katie swung by, and... I actually helped her with a panic attack. Can you believe it? Me, the guy who seems to get one every week? It's... it felt good. I think I also found out a tactic I could use when I get them - and it's not "breathe", by the way. Not that humour actually means anything since I'm the only one reading this. (Unless you're someone currently going through my diary, in which case shame on you.)

But yeah! A brilliant day, and I think I'm getting to be closer friends with Katie. I'm glad, since the only other female friend I have right now is Azucena, and we don't talk that much.

That's all for now!
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

Wow... I have so many things that I need to talk about. It's been ages since I last wrote in this thing!

But... I'm dating Gabe.

I know! It's crazy! And I had my first kiss with him too! Just thinking about it makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside... I'm giggling a bit as I write this. I feel all mushy.
But that's not the point! It's just... it's crazy. I didn't think I'd ever give my first kiss to a boy. Or that it'd not be all fireworks and sparks but instead comfort and warmth and just an overwhelming feeling that it feels so right.

And what's even crazier is that the two weeks leading up to it, we'd been apart. Him from me because...reasons. I don't think he ever explained himself properly, but oh well. And then me from him because...also reasons. He said something to me that made me think of that jerk, so I had to spend a week clearing my head of everything.

But it was worth it. It was worth the wait and the effort.

Until next time!
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,
I have a confession to make.

I told Gabe I loved him.

It was in Japanese, so he probably couldn't understand me, which is good. Because looking back on it, it was way too soon to say something like that. I just... I was riding on the moment, and the momentum, and the atmosphere, and everything felt so right and I just... I couldn't help myself! I blurted it out!

Oh, I'm so ashamed... I don't know what I'm going to do if he finds out. This is so embarrassing! I've only been dating him for what, a week? How could I? How could I have done something so...

[The rest of the page is covered up with a scrawled "AAARGH!"]

Anyway.
- Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,
Oh god.

I'm out. I came out to Carmin. I'm out, and I feel so horrible for hiding it from him so long. What if he hates me? What if he just pretended to not hate me and be happy for me?

[The writing gets shakier.]
I'm going to stop writing now. It's getting harder to breathe.
———
Gabe came. I feel absolutely awful. But I feel happy. But I feel awful about feeling happy.
He came to save me. He came running, my hero, my boyfriend, the bestest friend I've ever known and someone who's nothing but good. My knight in shining armour.

He chased the demons away. He anchored me. He's so good to me. He's too good or me. But... we're equal. We're the same, in some ways.
He helped me out of an episode, breathing slowly. And even though I was a mess, he said... he said he was proud of me. He listened to me. He comforted me.

And... I'm finally going to start calling him my boyfriend.

I'm out, and it's terrifying, but it's relieving. I don't need to hide that part of myself anymore. Since then, I've managed to tell a few peple, and... they didn't mind. They were happy for me. I was right. Mum was right. Dad was right. Manta Carlos is a safe place. It's a wonderful place, where no one judges anyone for anything. A safe haven where I can just be... myself.

So... I'm going to get therapy. It's time to admit that I need it, and to remember that I'm not weak for needing it.
I deserve to be happy. And Gabe deserves a better me. So much more than that, really, but it's all I can give him.

-Today's Yuki.

Dear Future Yuki,

I am a horrible person.

All this time I've been clinging to Gabe, thinking he was my saviour, my knight in shining armour, my protector... but he's not.

He can't be.
He's just as lost as I am.
Maybe we're all lost.

Maybe I have nothing to believe in.

But maybe that's fine. Rock or not, Gabe is still the person who supports me. Who loves me for who I am and not who my family are or what my account looks like. Gabe is good, and will always be good.

I just wish I'd never pressured him to be more than he was.
Signing off.
-Today's Yuki

Dear Future Yuki,
I AM AN IDIOT.

Gabe needs me. He needs me more now than ever. Than he ever did before. And I left him.

I've never hated myself more right now than I ever have in my whole miserable life. I don't deserve to live. But live I will.

Because Gabe needs me. And I love him.

No matter what, I love him. No matter when, I love him. No matter why, I love him.

And he needs me. I'm going to be there for him. For however long it takes, I will prove my love. For however long I'm able, I will be by his side. Even if he hates me. I deserve that. But I will not abandon him. I will never abandon him. I won't leave him alone.

I won't make the same mistake twice.

[The entry ends there, and is written hurriedly, as if someone wrote it in a hurry before leaving.]