A little while back I disappeared for close to a month and then again after that for a little over a week without warning and though I have said something in Cbox, I feel like I need to write one of these up. Most of you already know, since I’ve mentioned this a few times already, that my father came down to visit and that was the reason I disappeared about a week or so ago but before then was mainly due to stress with my grandma bruising her ribs and going off of chemo and one of my mother’s clients dying and another going into hospice so there was less income on top of that. (for those who don’t know or are curious, my mom does at home care for the elderly and sick and I don’t have a job due to the fact that I’m the only one currently available to take care of my grandmother who has an incurable type of cancer but is still fighting against it).
That being said, I simply wasn’t up for roleplaying at the time because of stress and anxiety of my father coming down. There is a lot more playing into this however and now things are a lot more complicated. I’m not going to go into much detail about it but let’s just say that I’ve come to the conclusion that as human beings we all make mistakes and to dwell on those mistakes and judge upon them would be pointless. That being said, I can’t forget nor will I forgive what happened in the past and the shitty decisions and mistakes both my parents made (mostly on my father’s part), but I’m not going to dwell on it either. The past is the past and there was a lot that went into those mistakes that as a more logical than emotional person and one that looks at the whole of a person before trying to comprehend them, I can understand but not forgive those mistakes. Yes there is a lot of underlying anger and pain that I don’t think will ever go away, that was given to me as a result of those mistakes and that I hung onto as a child. I am not a child anymore however and though the past cannot be fixed and those negative feelings over it cannot be erased, I have been given a chance to start over, to put the past behind me and start anew. That is exactly what I’m going to do; after all, I only have one life and what would be the point of allowing my anger to rule my choices and to ignore this chance due to stubbornness? I won’t say I have come to peace with things but to an understanding.
What I mean by all of that, is that despite everything my father has done, I now have a better understanding of those mistakes and with that understanding I’m more liable to give him a shot. It’s no longer a matter of ‘why did you abandon me and my brother’ and simply seeing him as a ‘bad person’ but seeing him now as a human being that made a lot of mistakes and is now trying to fix them. What place is it of mine to judge my father based off his mistakes or anyone for that matter and what place is it of mine to condemn him as a terrible person without really understanding him. Everyone is an individual, just like the characters myself and everyone here create and like them, background plays a lot into personality and decisions and as a child, not understanding this it’s easy to look at things with tunnel vision, to make a decision based on what we experience through others first hand without giving another thought to what that person has experienced that may have caused them to think or act this way.
None of that makes any of what my father has done ‘right’ but allows me to move on from dwelling on the past and what as a child, I believed happened and to look and things from a more logical and understanding point of view.
That is just my mind set on my father coming back into my life and I feel like I have repeated a lot of what I said but sometimes I have a hard time explaining what I mean and you’re probably wondering how any of this is relevant. Well, without going into too much detail or making this too much longer, my parents, after all of the crap they went through with each other have always remained friends unknown to my brother and I and have still had feelings for one another. That isn’t really something I can explain or really make understandable but that’s just the way love is; it isn’t understandable and often times makes no sense. Anyway, long story short, my parents are getting back together and my mother and I are going to move down to California to live with my dad and brother who just recently moved to live with my dad. It seems crazy and all of a sudden and I do have mixed feelings about it but giving it more thought, I have come to the conclusion I mentioned earlier. We already have arrangements to take care of my grandmother and I know that seems a little selfish or uncaring but you have to understand that my mother has been taking care of my grandmother for over 10 years now with no help from her siblings, while also raising me and my own siblings and she hasn’t had a life of her own since even though now all of my siblings and I are adults. It’s difficult to explain but living like this, the way we do is not healthy for anyone in this house and it’s time for both me and my mother to stop putting all of our efforts toward taking care of others and letting our own health go to crap and giving up chances in life for their sake. I have not really had the chance to go to college yet or to get my license and other such things I should have been able to do a long time ago as well as it isn’t helping my anxiety at all and making my physically ill due to the fact that I am always catering to someone else and to keep going like this would be to stop my life and my goals and the same could be said for my mother as well. This isn’t the way anyone should live and we are not giving up or abandoning my grandmother but getting her other two kids to step up and help when they could have a long time ago and to hire better help for her. (we will be back if she starts to become really ill and/or is on her death bed so to speak, she is still family and we aren’t tossing her to the side but we can’t keep living out lives for her).
Ok…I know that was a mouthful and I did leave out a lot so it may be confusing and even sound selfish at the end but there is much more playing into all of this than I have mentioned and to make the choice of moving would be the better choice. So, with all that being said, for the next few months we’ll be readying our stuff to move and saving money to make the trip so I won’t have much free time and I don’t know how often I will be able to reply or if I will be able to. I may be able to get in a reply every week and I may disappear again for a month depending on how things go and what happens between now and then. Though I love all of you here, real life is more important and at the moment mine is pretty chaotic but I am not abandoning you all either and I will be back when I have the chance!
That being said, I simply wasn’t up for roleplaying at the time because of stress and anxiety of my father coming down. There is a lot more playing into this however and now things are a lot more complicated. I’m not going to go into much detail about it but let’s just say that I’ve come to the conclusion that as human beings we all make mistakes and to dwell on those mistakes and judge upon them would be pointless. That being said, I can’t forget nor will I forgive what happened in the past and the shitty decisions and mistakes both my parents made (mostly on my father’s part), but I’m not going to dwell on it either. The past is the past and there was a lot that went into those mistakes that as a more logical than emotional person and one that looks at the whole of a person before trying to comprehend them, I can understand but not forgive those mistakes. Yes there is a lot of underlying anger and pain that I don’t think will ever go away, that was given to me as a result of those mistakes and that I hung onto as a child. I am not a child anymore however and though the past cannot be fixed and those negative feelings over it cannot be erased, I have been given a chance to start over, to put the past behind me and start anew. That is exactly what I’m going to do; after all, I only have one life and what would be the point of allowing my anger to rule my choices and to ignore this chance due to stubbornness? I won’t say I have come to peace with things but to an understanding.
What I mean by all of that, is that despite everything my father has done, I now have a better understanding of those mistakes and with that understanding I’m more liable to give him a shot. It’s no longer a matter of ‘why did you abandon me and my brother’ and simply seeing him as a ‘bad person’ but seeing him now as a human being that made a lot of mistakes and is now trying to fix them. What place is it of mine to judge my father based off his mistakes or anyone for that matter and what place is it of mine to condemn him as a terrible person without really understanding him. Everyone is an individual, just like the characters myself and everyone here create and like them, background plays a lot into personality and decisions and as a child, not understanding this it’s easy to look at things with tunnel vision, to make a decision based on what we experience through others first hand without giving another thought to what that person has experienced that may have caused them to think or act this way.
None of that makes any of what my father has done ‘right’ but allows me to move on from dwelling on the past and what as a child, I believed happened and to look and things from a more logical and understanding point of view.
That is just my mind set on my father coming back into my life and I feel like I have repeated a lot of what I said but sometimes I have a hard time explaining what I mean and you’re probably wondering how any of this is relevant. Well, without going into too much detail or making this too much longer, my parents, after all of the crap they went through with each other have always remained friends unknown to my brother and I and have still had feelings for one another. That isn’t really something I can explain or really make understandable but that’s just the way love is; it isn’t understandable and often times makes no sense. Anyway, long story short, my parents are getting back together and my mother and I are going to move down to California to live with my dad and brother who just recently moved to live with my dad. It seems crazy and all of a sudden and I do have mixed feelings about it but giving it more thought, I have come to the conclusion I mentioned earlier. We already have arrangements to take care of my grandmother and I know that seems a little selfish or uncaring but you have to understand that my mother has been taking care of my grandmother for over 10 years now with no help from her siblings, while also raising me and my own siblings and she hasn’t had a life of her own since even though now all of my siblings and I are adults. It’s difficult to explain but living like this, the way we do is not healthy for anyone in this house and it’s time for both me and my mother to stop putting all of our efforts toward taking care of others and letting our own health go to crap and giving up chances in life for their sake. I have not really had the chance to go to college yet or to get my license and other such things I should have been able to do a long time ago as well as it isn’t helping my anxiety at all and making my physically ill due to the fact that I am always catering to someone else and to keep going like this would be to stop my life and my goals and the same could be said for my mother as well. This isn’t the way anyone should live and we are not giving up or abandoning my grandmother but getting her other two kids to step up and help when they could have a long time ago and to hire better help for her. (we will be back if she starts to become really ill and/or is on her death bed so to speak, she is still family and we aren’t tossing her to the side but we can’t keep living out lives for her).
Ok…I know that was a mouthful and I did leave out a lot so it may be confusing and even sound selfish at the end but there is much more playing into all of this than I have mentioned and to make the choice of moving would be the better choice. So, with all that being said, for the next few months we’ll be readying our stuff to move and saving money to make the trip so I won’t have much free time and I don’t know how often I will be able to reply or if I will be able to. I may be able to get in a reply every week and I may disappear again for a month depending on how things go and what happens between now and then. Though I love all of you here, real life is more important and at the moment mine is pretty chaotic but I am not abandoning you all either and I will be back when I have the chance!