TW: Mentions of child molestation in this thread.
Winter break meant entirely too much free time. It wasn't so bad, most days. Shay enjoyed winter and even got a strange energy from it, but that day the kids' residential babysitter (bodyguard, but in reality a babysitter) was Felix Verma and boy oh boy, was he not a fan of hers. He didn't always have to show it, but Shay felt it nonetheless.
Eroshay was used to being an annoyance or having people dislike her about as much as they liked her, but she didn't understand where Felix was coming from. Mind you it wasn't because she thought there could have been no reason for him to dislike her, but rather there were so many reasons for him to dislike her.
It should have been fine. In her line of business (whatever that was in actuality) Shay wasn't supposed to be what people wanted, she was meant to be what they needed. Her job wasn't to be liked, but at fourteen-years-old who ever thought that way?
She'd have poked him, but that would have required a level of confidence Shay didn't feel around Felix. How ridiculous was that? She was more or less fine around the Butcher, or Baltimore, or any number of other people, but Felix Verma was the one she was scared of.
Maybe that was to be expected. Eroshay had stopped feeling lesser than most people, but she felt inferior next to him. Worthless. Unable to break top. Just like back in the old days. Should that have had her hating him? Or feeling resentful? Maybe. But Shay didn't feel those things as much as might be expected and very rarely for non-petty reasoning.
Shay would have been content playing in the snow with her siblings, throwing snowballs and ducking behind cover. Near enough only to just see, but remain relatively private to whichever adult happened to be watching them. Yes, she'd have been just fine with that, but physically speaking winter wasn't her best time.
That's what had her sitting near Felix on a bench, trying to catch her breath and not cough herself into a fight. Heart hurting and felt in the tips of her fingers, chest tight with the need for air. She'd be fine after a moment of rest.
♠♠♠
Although Felix was starting to distance himself from the Rosales, deeming his espionage attempts a bust, he did it in inches and still did work for them from time to time. It was either this or something drug-related, and Felix would rather be surrounded with kids and cookies over drugs any day, even if most of those kids happened to be teenagers.
On the whole, Felix either liked or didn't mind the Rosales kids. Sherry was her favorite, the girl being sweet albeit shy, with Anthia being a close second. Shay was a favorite to many. Not to him, though. He could hardly stand the girl, growing more and more annoyed with her the more they interacted, and it only figured that she'd be the one to go over to him.
Felix was smoking quietly at the side of the bench, on a text conversation with his husband when he felt Shay sit near him. None of the annoyance he felt showed on his face, but he did rant a bit at Toby, mostly because he suddenly felt trapped to sit there. If he left, it was going straight to drama with Shay again. He spammed him with a bunch of lovey-dovey emotes before he pulled up his bag between the two of them, partly to present her with all the stuff there, like water bottles, a thermos with tea, medicine, and hand towels if she needed them, but mostly because he liked having something between them.
"There's some tea in there if you want something to drink," he told her with a smile, and through practice, it was very convincing. He glanced at the other kids playing, making sure they were alright before going back to look at his phone, this time scrolling through Pinterest to look at pretty patterns of mandala. He flicked ash into the snow.
On the whole, Felix either liked or didn't mind the Rosales kids. Sherry was her favorite, the girl being sweet albeit shy, with Anthia being a close second. Shay was a favorite to many. Not to him, though. He could hardly stand the girl, growing more and more annoyed with her the more they interacted, and it only figured that she'd be the one to go over to him.
Felix was smoking quietly at the side of the bench, on a text conversation with his husband when he felt Shay sit near him. None of the annoyance he felt showed on his face, but he did rant a bit at Toby, mostly because he suddenly felt trapped to sit there. If he left, it was going straight to drama with Shay again. He spammed him with a bunch of lovey-dovey emotes before he pulled up his bag between the two of them, partly to present her with all the stuff there, like water bottles, a thermos with tea, medicine, and hand towels if she needed them, but mostly because he liked having something between them.
"There's some tea in there if you want something to drink," he told her with a smile, and through practice, it was very convincing. He glanced at the other kids playing, making sure they were alright before going back to look at his phone, this time scrolling through Pinterest to look at pretty patterns of mandala. He flicked ash into the snow.
Shay was quiet, content to catch her breath and watch her siblings at a distance while Felix played on his phone. That was until he put the bag between them, smiled at her. Maybe if Shay only listened to words and facial expressions she'd have been fooled, but she saw actions and she knew when someone didn't want to be around her.
"Thanks," she said before taking some tea and scooting away a bit to give him some more room. She let the warmth of the tea settle on her lap, holding the thermos close.
Shay found herself glancing at Felix time and again. It was sucky when one of your best friends wives hated you. She looked into her lap, pursed her lips, thoughtful, feeling sick.
"You really don't like me," she said into the silence once it had settled between them. She took a sip of the tea. "You know we can't avoid each other and tolerate each other forever. Toby's my friend." She paused a beat. "How can I fix it?"
♠♠♠
Oh, conversation. He felt irritation cloud over his head. She always did this and shrunk whenever he answered her. It was like trying to talk to a skittish animal, and he didn't care for it. None of his irritation showed on his face at least. He kept his eyes on his phone, not bothering to dignify the tactless comment with a response. He hummed.
"Toby has plenty of friends and lovers that have nothing to do with me," he said, firm on his stance. It was a nice thought, being alright with everything your spouse did, but Felix wasn't, and though he was a perfect wife at home, his thoughts and opinions were his own. He didn't let it affect his disposition in any way, so he could be as angry and bitter with things at his own pace without anyone getting on his case... except today, with this annoying little girl. "That's adulthood, Shay. You need to understand that not everybody is going to like you, and not every relationship has a solution or closure or improvement. I'm civil enough. That's all you can ask for."
It was fine, he thought, self-deprecatingly. Felix didn't like a lot of people and they didn't like him back. Shay wasn't special in his dislike, though she was special that he thought about how he disliked her even when she was out of sight.
"Toby has plenty of friends and lovers that have nothing to do with me," he said, firm on his stance. It was a nice thought, being alright with everything your spouse did, but Felix wasn't, and though he was a perfect wife at home, his thoughts and opinions were his own. He didn't let it affect his disposition in any way, so he could be as angry and bitter with things at his own pace without anyone getting on his case... except today, with this annoying little girl. "That's adulthood, Shay. You need to understand that not everybody is going to like you, and not every relationship has a solution or closure or improvement. I'm civil enough. That's all you can ask for."
It was fine, he thought, self-deprecatingly. Felix didn't like a lot of people and they didn't like him back. Shay wasn't special in his dislike, though she was special that he thought about how he disliked her even when she was out of sight.
"Gee, thanks," Shay bit out.
Anger rose in her throat, but she pushed it down. It was strange to her that people assumed Shay's impression of things were that people liked her. Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Adults were so fucking strange.
Shay didn't like not understanding. She wanted to know the world, comprehend the people on it. Not sit there, in the dark, wondering why things happened and where they went wrong. In the end, Shay could have handled Felix's distaste, so long as she knew fucking why. She liked answers.
"Fine," she sighed. "At least, tell me why then. What's the problem?" Shay wanted that answer, and it didn't matter where they went from there, or if he'd still hate her. Dislike her? Resent her? Whichever.
Pushing was hard. Entirely too hard and Shay was weary from loving things and being struck by them. Her fault, maybe, in a strange way. She wasn't sure anymore.
♠♠♠
Felix supposed this was a long time coming. He avoided confrontations like the plague, but sometimes, tension built up and it had to end at some point. He considered his answer for a bit, picking out which parts he wanted to say and which parts he wanted to leave out. She wanted to know why he didn't like her. It was simple enough. She didn't need to know how nasty he was underneath.
He put his phone down and wore an expression not a lot of people saw from him. It wasn't pleasant or timid like what he normally wore around crowds. It was tired and hateful, condescending. More honest than what he usually was around people.
"You jerk people around. That's why," he said, tone sharper, sparing nothing now that his usual mask was forcibly shattered. Felix was nasty underneath it all, and it was such a relief to stretch a little bit. "Do you remember when you made a big deal of inviting me and Toby to SpaceCon, and when we were there, you ignored me the entire time and got mopey every time I talked to Toby despite the fact that we were there with your friends? I thought I already made it clear I have no friends. I tried to talk to my only friend there, pulled you into our conversations even, and you got upset every time he looked away from you for two seconds. Not only that, I spent a night having to baby you because you licked a space rock you shouldn't have. I set vacation days and money aside to get rooms in a hotel, Shay. Vacation days and money I earned from my adult job, which all got wasted on your bullshit. I looked forward to SpaceCon, you know. I love Sci-Fi. That was the first time I got invited out for a long time, and you just hammered it into my head that I shouldn't attempt interpersonal relationships. Have a little courtesy. Be more hospitable when you invite people out, and if you can't do that, don't lie to their face and say they're wanted."
He breathed. He was lightly trembling, unsure if it's from relief or anger, but it was cathartic. Selfish, selfish, selfish child. She wanted everything he had when she already had everything and he had nothing. He came and was made from dirt. He had very little to go by, in terms of things that brought him happiness. She could take everything she wanted, but not his husband or his pride. He was going to go down pissed off or not at all.
"You never let up, since then. Perhaps I would've forgiven you if your behavior changed, but it didn't, it only got worse. No matter how hard I tried with you, you never let up on me. Every time Toby's around, literally everyone in the group could be talking to you, playing with you, hugging you, but you'd be paying attention to us and being upset. Do you know why we always talk to each other? Because we don't have friends, Shay. We're close to each other because we don't. Have. Friends. You can argue that you're our friend, but you just get weird at me and you can't really expect Toby to talk to you when you're fucking surrounded by your swarm all the time. He's socially awkward for a reason.
"It's not even about Toby anymore with you, too. You got weirder and weirder at me, and you don't even answer me when I ask you why. What do you think I'm supposed to feel about that? Just assume I'm naturally unlikable to be around? I don't have infinite patience. I don't want to spend it all on trying to improve a teenager who's been nothing but horrible at me."
He frowned. "On my last point, I'd prefer it if you stop flirting with my husband too. He's a child sexual abuse survivor, if you haven't caught on. Do you think he's happy that a minor is flirting with him? Do you think he wants to be like his abuser? Use some common sense. He's uncomfortable. Fuck off."
He put his phone down and wore an expression not a lot of people saw from him. It wasn't pleasant or timid like what he normally wore around crowds. It was tired and hateful, condescending. More honest than what he usually was around people.
"You jerk people around. That's why," he said, tone sharper, sparing nothing now that his usual mask was forcibly shattered. Felix was nasty underneath it all, and it was such a relief to stretch a little bit. "Do you remember when you made a big deal of inviting me and Toby to SpaceCon, and when we were there, you ignored me the entire time and got mopey every time I talked to Toby despite the fact that we were there with your friends? I thought I already made it clear I have no friends. I tried to talk to my only friend there, pulled you into our conversations even, and you got upset every time he looked away from you for two seconds. Not only that, I spent a night having to baby you because you licked a space rock you shouldn't have. I set vacation days and money aside to get rooms in a hotel, Shay. Vacation days and money I earned from my adult job, which all got wasted on your bullshit. I looked forward to SpaceCon, you know. I love Sci-Fi. That was the first time I got invited out for a long time, and you just hammered it into my head that I shouldn't attempt interpersonal relationships. Have a little courtesy. Be more hospitable when you invite people out, and if you can't do that, don't lie to their face and say they're wanted."
He breathed. He was lightly trembling, unsure if it's from relief or anger, but it was cathartic. Selfish, selfish, selfish child. She wanted everything he had when she already had everything and he had nothing. He came and was made from dirt. He had very little to go by, in terms of things that brought him happiness. She could take everything she wanted, but not his husband or his pride. He was going to go down pissed off or not at all.
"You never let up, since then. Perhaps I would've forgiven you if your behavior changed, but it didn't, it only got worse. No matter how hard I tried with you, you never let up on me. Every time Toby's around, literally everyone in the group could be talking to you, playing with you, hugging you, but you'd be paying attention to us and being upset. Do you know why we always talk to each other? Because we don't have friends, Shay. We're close to each other because we don't. Have. Friends. You can argue that you're our friend, but you just get weird at me and you can't really expect Toby to talk to you when you're fucking surrounded by your swarm all the time. He's socially awkward for a reason.
"It's not even about Toby anymore with you, too. You got weirder and weirder at me, and you don't even answer me when I ask you why. What do you think I'm supposed to feel about that? Just assume I'm naturally unlikable to be around? I don't have infinite patience. I don't want to spend it all on trying to improve a teenager who's been nothing but horrible at me."
He frowned. "On my last point, I'd prefer it if you stop flirting with my husband too. He's a child sexual abuse survivor, if you haven't caught on. Do you think he's happy that a minor is flirting with him? Do you think he wants to be like his abuser? Use some common sense. He's uncomfortable. Fuck off."
Shay waited until he was finished to speak, the expression she wore quietly contemplative. Some of those things hurt, but Shay was used to being hurt. The look he wore, Shay didn't think she'd seen it before but she sure as hell felt like she had.
"By 'made a big deal out of inviting you two' do you mean when I was making costume ideas with you. As a matter of fact, I spent most of that night talking to you, enjoying your company, trying to make you feel good about having come.
"And ruined your night? Did you or did you not go off and have plenty of fun? I licked a space rock, so what. It was literally part of the food section. I didn't know what effect it would have and you didn't have to babysit me. I appreciate that you spent time around me, but you didn't have to.
"Admittedly, yeah, I got a little mopey. But so what? No, literally, so what Felix? I never did anything about it. I never tried to ruin your guys time on purpose. I gave you both room to interact and enjoy each others company. Who cares how I was feeling about it if I didn't act on it?
"And you guys don't have friends, huh? Jeong? Jett? Versa? Hell, the police force loves you, whether you let them in or not is on you. I'm not saying you can't have each other; that's why I left you guys alone most of the time. You guys seemed happy. I wanted you two to be happy. But now you want to sit here and tell me I can't be fucking hurt about it or I'm a bad person?
"You sit there thinking that just because people are surrounding me or talking to me or because I'm joking and smiling I must be having a great time and feeling so damn close to all of them.
"You know why I'm weird at you, Felix? Because you swooped in and took a friendship from me, literally the first friendship I'd ever experienced where I felt real. Real and there. The first person who came around who I could physical touch and not be afraid.
"Remember the first time I even saw you and Toby together? Because I do. You acted like a jerk to me and my friends. You were in a bad mood. I gave you some of our food because you were talking about how you were hungry.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel unlikeable because I like you a lot. You just make me uncomfortable. It's like no matter what I do or how I behave you'll find something wrong with it. So then I don't do anything because I don't want to upset you more."
Shay paused, gave Felix a chance to say his last bit of piece. "I haven't been trying to flirt with him," she said, and would have said more about this topic had it not made her feel so suddenly ill. "And yes, I know."
She breathed out, fingers trembling and cheeks numb from the cold. Her body was made up of a strange mixture of hurt, anger, and acceptance. Why couldn't she even be mad at him for all the assumptions? She got it. She did.
She sighed, voice going softer. "You know, I'm not going to steal him from you or anything Felix. You two are good together. You make each other happy. I like seeing you both happy."
Shay turned toward him a little, face as tender as her voice. She had the resounding fear in the back of her head that she'd open up and Felix would kick her just as Jeanette had.
"I've been worried about you. You showed up at the Christmas party, drunk out of your mind and a little mean. You curled up in one of the tablecloths and fell asleep. Who do you think set up that weird makeshift bed, or sat with you literally all night to stop people from drawing on your face? You kept drinking and hurting yourself."
Shay pinched the bridge of her nose, not wanting to continue that line of thought. "Look, I have a lot of damn problems. I know. I'm petty and envious and clinging for some kind of warmth inside. If you want to pretend I'm just some asshole enemy of yours with no other characteristic than 'bratty child' to make yourself feel better, go ahead, but I won't pretend with you.
"I'm sorry if you feel hurt, threatened, antagonized, ostracized, or any number of other emotions. It's not like I was doing that on purpose, or I didn't like you. I was trying to stay out of the way. I was trying to make sure you'd be fine -- just at a distance. Maybe none of that was the right thing to do, but seeing as life doesn't come with a driver's guide, I'd like to say doing anything at all was an improvement than hiding in a corner."
Shay side-eyed him sheepishly. "I'm not like I am because I have a family, or because they have money, or because I'm a Rosales. I haven't had any of those things long enough to settle into what they mean, or how I should be effected by them. I'm like this because if I weren't, I'd have been left behind. When I wasn't I was beaten and screamed at and told how worthless I was. If I didn't push my way into people's lives, keep trying, again and again, then I wouldn't be here. Very likely, I would be dead.
"Are you getting it? This isn't the mentality of a bratty child who's used to getting their way. This is the mindset of another survivor who had to learn to navigate people and situations just to keep from drowning. You could argue that being a Rosales means I don't have to think that way anymore, but we both know that isn't how it works.
"Just because I'm here," Shay said, motioning vaguely to her siblings who were still having a snowball fight, "that doesn't mean things are easy. Money doesn't solve any of these issues. Neither does a name. I wasn't born into this life, so I don't know why people keep assuming must be so comfortable with it all.
"You, of all people, should be aware how to look past the outside. So why haven't you, Felix? What're you afraid is going to happen if you stop seeing me as a mob brat and try to see me as a person?"
Shay decided there was a good place to stop talking. She was rambling, as Klaus so often did. It wasn't that Shay didn't have more to say, but she didn't think she'd be able to articulate any of it without screaming and tears. Image. Image fucking sucked and everyone based shit off it. God, Shay hated these boxes.
♠♠♠
And then came the expected reaction. Felix rested the side of his head on the palm of his hand, looking her over as she talked. Defending herself and her actions, check. Emphasizing how he was the horrible person, check. Backtracking and trying to set herself as the victimized party, check. Bingo. She was the one that started this conversation, forced him out of his comfort zone, then dismissed it all anyway. Needless to say, Felix cared little for everything she was saying.
He'd learned a lot of things growing up. People's emotions didn't make sense. It was no good trying to force help on anybody if they didn't want it. She didn't have a right to his life. She didn't have a right to tell her his own feelings were wrong.
Felix sorted the things out in his head, picking the things he wanted to answer. There were a lot, but he wasn't going to be petty. It was better to get right down to the point instead of clogging it up with petty bullshit.
"You asked me, Shay. And now you're asking me so what if you got mopey? I'm going to ask you the same thing — So what if I got mopey? Who cares how I'm feeling if I never acted on it? I stayed out of your way. I've been civil with you. I am being civil now. I'm just answering a question you asked. There's literally no reason for you to get hurt by anything I said because I have never done anything to you." Past a few snippy comments? No, literally nothing. He'd only ever been snippy when she acted out, and that was just tit for tat.
"I have literally never said you should feel bad about anything or that you're a horrible person. Disliking you doesn't mean I think you're necessarily a bad person. If you don't want me to make assumptions, then don't put words in my mouth."
Now, this second part. Felix sighed and rubbed his temples the entire time she talked, getting pissed off more and more. She wanted him happy? Did she now? She didn't seem to care about his happiness before, with how petty and jealous she acted. It was amazing how someone can turn around so quickly so they'd look like they were in the right.
As she droned on, Felix couldn't help but think, was this what Toby had to go through? Did Toby get exposed to this brand of melodrama on a frequent basis, all the while triggering him because she couldn't keep her heart eyes in check? Their relationship felt uncomfortable to think about. He wanted to push Shay out of his life and slam the door in her face. He could play the bitch. That was what being a good wife entailed.
Shay was a survivor. So was he. That, inherently, did not mean they should get along and understand each other. Shay and him were different with how they presented each other to the world. Shay wanted intimate things with people, got angry when people just looked at the surface. Felix got angry when people looked past it.
Felix pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted to wipe off his bindi and rip all the symbolic jewelry on his person, forget he got married in the first place. Fucking interpersonal relationships. Sabotaged him every time. Every time he tried, he just got convinced more and more that he should be a reserved loner. Fuck Toby, fuck Shay, fuck Nero, fuck Jeong and Jett and Versa and Cat and all the other fuckers that kept squirming into his life and demanding they be given a place. He didn't need the added stress. Everything was so much simpler when the only person he had to worry about was himself.
"This marriage was a mistake. I don't want to deal with this. I took Toby from you, huh? He has boyfriends he's been with for ten years and I took him. Of course I'm the bad guy. I never wanted Toby, Shay. I've told him to fuck off multiple times, and even now, I wake up everyday thinking I should file for a divorce soon. You want Toby so badly, you can fucking have him. I doubt we're going to last more than six months. I'm sure he'd love having a child bride so he can be a pedophile just like his mother." He gritted his teeth. He hated that he was caught in the middle of this, with Shay grabbing for Toby and Toby grabbing for him. He wanted both of them to leave him the fuck alone.
"I was drinking to hurt myself, if you haven't caught on. I don't need your worry. I don't need your anything. If you want points for doting on a damaged person, I suggest looking for someone more pathetic."
He waved a hand. "Look. Everyone just cares about the surface. That's all people see, and for most people, that should be all people see. If you've been shitty with me on the surface, that's all I'm ever going to assume, because that's how life works. I have no motivation to dig through your mask and understand you, find hidden meaning or whatever. I still don't. I don't fucking know you, Shay. You don't know me either. That's the point. I want people to leave me alone because I'm tired, and I don't need people's stupid bullshit in my face. If I can't be dead, I just want to do my holy duty in peace. That's all."
He threw his finished cigarette in the snow and lit another one up, trying to calm his nerves. Moksha. One with god. Existence unencumbered. As devout as he was, this was the last aspect of the four Purusarthas he hasn't fully achieved yet. It was the most important one of all. Felix thought about the life of ascetics, free from strife, hunger and death.
He'd learned a lot of things growing up. People's emotions didn't make sense. It was no good trying to force help on anybody if they didn't want it. She didn't have a right to his life. She didn't have a right to tell her his own feelings were wrong.
Felix sorted the things out in his head, picking the things he wanted to answer. There were a lot, but he wasn't going to be petty. It was better to get right down to the point instead of clogging it up with petty bullshit.
"You asked me, Shay. And now you're asking me so what if you got mopey? I'm going to ask you the same thing — So what if I got mopey? Who cares how I'm feeling if I never acted on it? I stayed out of your way. I've been civil with you. I am being civil now. I'm just answering a question you asked. There's literally no reason for you to get hurt by anything I said because I have never done anything to you." Past a few snippy comments? No, literally nothing. He'd only ever been snippy when she acted out, and that was just tit for tat.
"I have literally never said you should feel bad about anything or that you're a horrible person. Disliking you doesn't mean I think you're necessarily a bad person. If you don't want me to make assumptions, then don't put words in my mouth."
Now, this second part. Felix sighed and rubbed his temples the entire time she talked, getting pissed off more and more. She wanted him happy? Did she now? She didn't seem to care about his happiness before, with how petty and jealous she acted. It was amazing how someone can turn around so quickly so they'd look like they were in the right.
As she droned on, Felix couldn't help but think, was this what Toby had to go through? Did Toby get exposed to this brand of melodrama on a frequent basis, all the while triggering him because she couldn't keep her heart eyes in check? Their relationship felt uncomfortable to think about. He wanted to push Shay out of his life and slam the door in her face. He could play the bitch. That was what being a good wife entailed.
Shay was a survivor. So was he. That, inherently, did not mean they should get along and understand each other. Shay and him were different with how they presented each other to the world. Shay wanted intimate things with people, got angry when people just looked at the surface. Felix got angry when people looked past it.
Felix pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted to wipe off his bindi and rip all the symbolic jewelry on his person, forget he got married in the first place. Fucking interpersonal relationships. Sabotaged him every time. Every time he tried, he just got convinced more and more that he should be a reserved loner. Fuck Toby, fuck Shay, fuck Nero, fuck Jeong and Jett and Versa and Cat and all the other fuckers that kept squirming into his life and demanding they be given a place. He didn't need the added stress. Everything was so much simpler when the only person he had to worry about was himself.
"This marriage was a mistake. I don't want to deal with this. I took Toby from you, huh? He has boyfriends he's been with for ten years and I took him. Of course I'm the bad guy. I never wanted Toby, Shay. I've told him to fuck off multiple times, and even now, I wake up everyday thinking I should file for a divorce soon. You want Toby so badly, you can fucking have him. I doubt we're going to last more than six months. I'm sure he'd love having a child bride so he can be a pedophile just like his mother." He gritted his teeth. He hated that he was caught in the middle of this, with Shay grabbing for Toby and Toby grabbing for him. He wanted both of them to leave him the fuck alone.
"I was drinking to hurt myself, if you haven't caught on. I don't need your worry. I don't need your anything. If you want points for doting on a damaged person, I suggest looking for someone more pathetic."
He waved a hand. "Look. Everyone just cares about the surface. That's all people see, and for most people, that should be all people see. If you've been shitty with me on the surface, that's all I'm ever going to assume, because that's how life works. I have no motivation to dig through your mask and understand you, find hidden meaning or whatever. I still don't. I don't fucking know you, Shay. You don't know me either. That's the point. I want people to leave me alone because I'm tired, and I don't need people's stupid bullshit in my face. If I can't be dead, I just want to do my holy duty in peace. That's all."
He threw his finished cigarette in the snow and lit another one up, trying to calm his nerves. Moksha. One with god. Existence unencumbered. As devout as he was, this was the last aspect of the four Purusarthas he hasn't fully achieved yet. It was the most important one of all. Felix thought about the life of ascetics, free from strife, hunger and death.
No matter what she said, Felix was going to feel attack. He was going to dislike her, and they were going to be in this uncomfortable place. She sighed, scrubbed her face viciously. "I don't think you're the bad guy. That's not what I meant by it. I was just... trying to say I knew how it felt to be afraid of something being taken. I've been there. I don't want to take anyone from you. Anyone of anything. I don't want to steal from people."
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain and then nothing. Strange understanding that would never be mutual. No, Felix. She didn't want to fuck up your life, not even unintentionally.
Why was he focused on the idea that she wanted to make Toby relive his sexual abuse as the abusee? Shay wouldn't fight that. She wouldn't bother bringing up the fact that she'd already talked to Toby about these things.
She sighed, releasing pent up energy.
Felix could hate her for all this petty bullshit. Things that could have been fixed had they tried hard enough. He didn't want to fix them. He wanted her gone.
Gone. Gone. Gone. What else was new?
"Okay," she said as she set her tea aside and wiped her skirt free of snow. "I'll stay away. I'll stay away from you and Toby and Jeong." She already kept her distance from Jett, so that went unsaid.
She'd stay away until he needed someone to sit there and watch his passed out ass at some public party again. But she didn't say that. He didn't want her kindness, and it wouldn't matter what she said because in the end Felix would see and hear whatever it was he wanted.
Without anything left to say and no desire to spend time feeling more uncomfortable, Shay went back to her siblings. Her family. Stressful, maybe, to protect and nurture them, but they had never asked her to change. They loved her for her. For as long as that would last.
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