A Life of Imitation

Theo listened to Noel's story in silence, walking on the cobblestone through the grounds. A story from so long ago that Theo probably wouldn't have read about it in any history books. He noticed that Noel's usually calm voice coloured with quite a bit of emotion at several parts, and realised that it still had an effect. Of course. Losing someone always hurt, even if it was from centuries or maybe millenia ago. Suddenly, the advice that Noel had given him felt even more genuine that it already was.

The story had many parallels to his own. It seemed that every story involving a suicide had a similar premise, a similar journey, and almost always a similar end. And it was nice to know that somebody - somebody as old and wise as Noel - had gone through similar things that he is going through. And if anything, it was an indication. An indication that maybe things will get better. If he'd just give it time.

"I really... appreciate, sir, that you've chosen to share it with me," Theo said, after the silence had stretched on a bit between them. "I... well. I'm trying to believe. It's hard, sometimes. But I'll try until I can."

He continued down the path for a bit, in silence. He hadn't told anyone except Keith, Dan and Helen about David, and that had been 2 years ago and not in very much detail at all. Maybe he should. Noel seemed like he would listen and wouldn't judge. Might as well take the plunge.

"His name was David. He studied chemistry at the same university as me," Theo began, looking at the scuffed soles of his shoes. "We ran together. He was... well, he was nice to me. He used to laugh so much at... at my stupid jokes, and he never tied his shoelaces up... and he said it was cute. When I got worried."

The lump returned to his throat and he paused for a moment.

"He wasn't very happy with himself. Even when he won and he... well, he always won. And he was so smart. But his family... they weren't very good to him, and I tried to... well, I tried to make him get help. Get him to stop drinking, stop using... but," Theo swallowed harshly and wiped at his eyes. "He... he never did. I guess he just... well, I thought it was better. Then I went to his dorm... I'm a demon, you see, my blood... well, it's got healing properties, but it can't bring a dead person back to life."

"I wish we'd had more time together. He used to... he used to text me, when I'm studying, so I'd remember to eat and drink water, and I still sometimes check my phone, when I get a notification, and I'd think I saw his name but..." Theo's breathing was coming a bit short now.

He was tearing up. And he didn't feel embarrassed.

Theo stayed quiet for a long time after finishing his story. He felt drained, suddenly letting so many things that had only existed inside his head out into the world. He was scared to forget, but he was also scared to dwell in the past - the memories still replayed as clear as day when he said each one of them, down to the old shoes that David wore, always with scruffy laces and a scuffed surface. The happiest three years in his life, maybe. And there would've been more. There should've been more, if only he had-

There was nothing he could have done to prevent it, he reminded himself. As Noel had said. They had to want to get better. And maybe it was true. Maybe David just didn't feel like he was worthy of being saved.

"T-thank you. I... I'll try, sir. I'll try." Theo said, his voice a bit strained. He knew that he was tearing up, and he wasn't sure what he should do about it. It had been a while since he had last cried. He always felt a bit guilty when he cried, but Noel's comforting words made him feel less awful about it. He was allowed to feel sad. "I... I hope he's happy now. Wherever... Wherever he is. I miss him. Everyday. But... but I k-know that... I know that I-"

His hands were shaking. He realised that he had started to cry. He tried to tell Noel not to worry, but his breathing was shuddering and his voice cracked when he tried to speak.

It was almost five minutes later when Theo had managed to pull himself together enough to speak, wiping the back of one hand across his eyes. It had been a long time since he’s last cried. It’s been even longer since he’s last cried in the presence of anybody. Noel was certainly not a bad person to break down in front of, though. There could’ve been much worse, people who would’ve told half the island or people that he actually knew very well. At least it was somebody who understood.

“I do hope he is. Or at least I hope he’s... happier.” Theo said, once he had gotten his voice back. His voice sounded cracked and strained. He’s going to have to drink some water and wash his face before he gets back. He didn’t want anybody seeing him like this.

The thing was, David never believed in god. David’s family did, but he never did personally. If there was some better place out there, though, well, Theo did really hope that David would be there. David had probably wanted an end, an escape, a way out. Would he really be happier to live another life? Would he be happier here, alive, with Theo by his side and a degree that he had worked so hard for hanging over his- hanging over their bed.

He shook his head. No use in dwelling in this anymore. Noel was right.

“I’m trying, sir. I really am. And I do hope...” he swallowed, looking at the floor. “I do hope I can find... the courage to move on. Understand what... what he did. It’s not going to be easy. But I’ll try.”

Worthy of being loved. Now that’s an idea that had never occurred to Theo. Thinking that he was worthy, per se. He was very used to giving out affection and kindness, because, well, he liked being nice, but it was quite different being worthy of love. He had always been ashamed for being what he was. Maybe that was why he had never forgiven himself. Maybe. This was something he might have to think about properly when he had more time.


He nodded again when Noel shared more of his story. About the imprisonmemt, and a way out... David had never liked to be tied to one thing, for too long, either. Running, his degree, and Theo were the main consistencies in his life. But David... well, Theo’s trying to understand. And maybe one day he’ll be able to.

“Sir, I’m... well, I can’t die, either. My demon ancestry... it’s just something that I have to deal with,” Theo said, then smiled, genuinely. “I guess that’s more time for me to accept it. To forgive myself. Maybe a century would be enough.”

“Ice cream would be great, thank you.”

“It’s always nice to enjoy the little things in life,” Theo agreed. Now that he’s been having more free time, it’s also easier to find some time and relax, when his brain wasn’t racing. He had a long life in front of him, longer than he can imagine, and he’d better start appreciating the small things before he loses track of them.

“A scoop of vanilla and a scoop of salted caramel please,” he said to the woman, giving her a smile that was actually quite genuine. Maybe letting his feelings out had been a good thing.

“The wigs....” Theo grinned, remembering visiting the courts as a secondary school student and being astounded at the old fashioned outfits the barristers, clerks and judges wore. To be honest, he still didn’t understand the purpose of them other than for tradition. “Well, mostly it’s a tradition, from a time long past. I do look forwards to the day I’ll be able to wear them, of course.”

The woman handed them their ice creams, and Theo passed the mint chocolate one to Noel. He hadn’t found Noel in the best of circumstances, but the situation had certainly turned itself towards the better. Maybe he was right. Maybe he could take his time to grieve. Maybe it really wasn’t his fault. Maybe David was somewhere out there, enjoying himself. Maybe he will get better.

But for now, it’s a good time to finish his ice cream, before it melts.