All's fair in love and horses (open)

[ #91827364501 ]


"Sir, please get off the ride."

But Joker did not want to get off the ride.

In the short amount of time he had known Nessie the blue mermaid horse, Joker managed to form a deep and intimate connection with her, loved her for shining qualities and all of her flaws — the chopped nose, the dented mermaid tail, the peeling paint. Joker was the only grown man in the ride aside from parents supporting their toddlers, but he didn't care, he was ready to continue their torrid human-wooden equine love affair in front of these judgmental eyes.

"Sir..."

Joker clutched Nessie's beautiful neck. "I love her."

The maintenance guy sighed.

"We have a deep bond."

After half an hour of effectively blocking business and having several people submit complaints, security rushed in and literally pried Joker from the horse, throwing him aside. Joker was a good fighter, but it was in terms of skill and not brute strength, and he was kind of light overall so he was easily hauled outside of the ride, landing uncomfortably on his shoulder, but not before yelling, "Please! I'm an orphan! I need a good horse for my family to plow the fields with!"

As he attempted to go back, he was, subsequently, blocked from going on the Merry-go-round again. The maintenance guy was screaming about how he was banned forever. Joker made an 'I'm-watching-you' gesture with security before turning around, kicking a can out of his way.

"Yeah, man. The system remains as cruel and as prejudiced as its always been. It stomps the underdog under its giant heel until their spirits have been crushed into powder, turning them into jaded, purposeless autobots they can shove under the unforgiving Capitalist wheel..." Joker paused, eyeing the incredible amount of corndogs in his arms. It was probably heavily seasoned with dude sweat but, man, he was hungry. "Can I have some of those corndogs or are you using them to feed a small army of children?"

Joker leaned against a fence built around a garden of petunias, which was also multi-purpose, because people have been using it as a trash can. "I miss Nessie," he said wistfully.

Joker caught the corndogs with his sweet-ass lightning fast reflexes, but unfortunately he didn't have a third arm, so the last corndog dropped to the ground. "Nice," he said, looking at it flatly. "Two for me and one for the ants. It's a regular orgy up in here, call the cops."

He devoured one of the corndogs — almost literally, it took him three huge bites to get through the thing — and tried to ignore that it was, in fact, generously seasoned with man stank. He looked at Nessie's beautiful face in the distance, her slightly off-color eye painting filled with sadness as she was forced into a life of little kiddie booty riding her all day long by her cruel slave masters. Shit ain't right. He pointed at Nessie with the corndog stick.

"See that mermaid horse in the Merry-Go-Round? That's Nessie. She's my gal. We were going to run away to the country, build a farm and raise a gaggle of human-horse babies together. I need to get her away from that life, man."

Now that's what he's talking about.

"I'm glad you brought that up."

Joker grinned as gears turned in his head, hatching out a plan that ensued maximum chaos and mischief. He lived for these kinds of moments, really. He huddled up with this kid, ready to relay his plan.

"I'll distract them and while they're too busy paying attention to me, you go and get Nessie from her prison and sneak her behind..." He scanned the area. Aha! The nearby booths. There was a grassy area there. He could dump Nessie in there, and when the crime has been committed, they could wrap her in a picnic blanket and smuggle her out. He tilted his head to the shooting booth. "That one. Near the Merry-Go-Round. When I say 'That's all, folks', we move onto phase two of the plan: Smuggling her out. Got it?"

He didn't wait for him to respond. Joker looked around to see if anybody paid attention to them talking — coast was clear — before walking a few steps back and climbing a bench, then a booth. He raised his palm in the air and shot three fireballs into the sky.

They exploded loudly, almost deafening. Everybody turned their faces to him. Joker momentarily tilted his head to the Merry-Go-Round, indicating the kid should go before screaming, "LISTEN UP!"

He pointed accusingly at everybody there. "THIS THEME PARK IS RACIST. My name is Hashtag Nine One Eight Two Seven Three Six Four Five Zero One, and I didn't grow up in Manta Carlos. I thought —"

Someone in the crowd screamed, "Get to the point!" Joker fired another deafening fireball in the air.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR, I AM POURING MY HEART OUT TO YOU PEOPLE. HAVE SOME RESPECT." He cleared his throat. Nobody wanted to hear a loud fireball, so they listened. "I thought I would be free from the prejudice I experienced from my old home, which is an underwater biodome —"

"BULLSHIT."

"I'M NOT DONE, SIR."

"Aw, fuck," Joker said, gritting his teeth. The plan was a failure. It was, he supposed, his fault for believing in the inherent complexity and goodness of humanity.

He pointed his palm to a tree in a wide area, away from other people. Using his perfect marksmanship, he shot three fireballs at it — first it shook, then it bent backwards and then, finally, it toppled over, burning as it went down. Nobody got hurt but his objective was achieved: everyone was freaking out, giving the kid an opportunity to get the hell out of dodge. "Arson! Meaningless Violence! Destruction of public property! Anaaaaaaaaaaaarchyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!"

Some of the security that went after him started running after Joker — arson, after all, was a more obvious immediate threat than thievery. Joker jumped backwards from the booth and into a garden, but it was only then he realized the odds stacked against his favor. The guards surrounded him while his feet was firmly planted in petunias.

"SMOKE BOMB," he yelled, throwing a ball on the ground. It cracked open and covered the garden, the booth and a good size of the walkway with a thick amount of smoke. Perfect. Joker was immune to smoke. He jumped the garden fence, slid under the booth and into the crowd, taking off his jacket and grabbing a mask from a nearby stall and putting it on. Joker, while wearing the face of Mickey Mouse, ran over to where the kid was. The coast was clear for the moment.

"Holy shit, this is insane. We need to get outta here. Let's jump off this stupid boardwalk and swim back to the beach."