Private Shoulda Coulda Woulda

Ah.

The simple fact was that no matter how awful parents were, or how bad an influence they were on their child, they were still your parents, and that desire to be loved and accepted by them was still in many ways the standard. Many people struggled with that, with warring feelings about whether or not it was okay.

Was it okay to love someone who was bad to you? Abusive?

Most people would say no, but that didn't change how people—often kids—felt. Just saying 'they were bad people and were harming you with their treatment' didn't change those feelings.

Learning to accept that was something that took a lot of time.

"I don't think anyone would deny that's traumatic, and if they are, that would seem to be an issue with empathy they have. Getting therapy, unfortunately, is often upsetting even in the best of situations. It involves digging up things you want to keep down, and talking about things you'd prefer to go unspoken. And that's just willing therapy. Mandatory therapy—especially something inpatient like Juvie Island—makes outcomes worse almost by default. Being taken away from your parents and forcibly subjected to a completely different worldview must have been horrible."

Vito raised an eyebrow at her declaring war on all of Manta Carlos, but offered a small smile after his surprise had subsided, confident she'd found amusement in it based on the laugh.

"Hopefully the war's over now, because if not I'm afraid I qualify as an occupant of Manta Carlos," he joked back, happy she was willing to accept a lighter mood. It was always difficult if a patient became overwhelmed on the very first session.

"It probably feels absurd to you now, but at the same time, the thoughts of your younger self were valid: they fit perfectly with your world view, and what you'd been raised to understand about the world. As much as possible, soft transitions should be preferred wherever possible... letting people ease in to a new way of living, rather than dragging them kicking and screaming as you were."

And Andrasta, unfortunately, hadn't been allowed that.

It was safe to say that Vito had never dealt with someone who had the exact same situation that Andrasta did. However, it was just as safe to say that he had seen similar parallels with other patients, and when he'd still been in school.

It was really just a matter of drawing those parallels in a way that didn't come across as insulting to her.

"Different people react to parental--and societal--expectations in different ways, almost regardless of what those expectations actually are. In a lot of cases, the way you feel about them tends to depend on what happened. Those who achieve those goals, pushed by their parents, often feel a sense of frustration and lack of control over their own life. Those who are unable to accomplish their goals through their own failures often struggle with self confidence, internalizing those failures as being a mark against them. In your case, neither is true; you failed—" he let his voice emphasize that it wasn't his belief, just what followed in the explanation, "--because of entirely outside forces. Think of an up and coming piano star who gets in an accident and breaks their hand. Sometimes there are feeling of guilt and blame over the reason for the apparent failure, but often there's a sense of longing. A sense of what could have happened. Even if you recognize that your current situation is better, it's normal to wish for a time that was, for you, much simpler. Some argue that the very concept of nostalgia is based on that; a yearning for a simpler, less complicated times, without all the messy parts of reality we become aware of when we get older."

Not that being in a cult was simpler, but for her it likely was.