Private Finished Returning Patient: Ishvi

Boop

Boop

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"But that that's what they told me! Everything I grew up with can't be wrong." More distressed than when he'd started, Ishvi put his hands over his eyes again, wings pressed flat against his back. His doubts were strangling him, but he couldn't defend himself against words, couldn't defend his home.

"I just had to prove that I wouldn't fall, wouldn't fall like.. her. I had to show them I could be good too, but I'm not. I'm not. And maybe it might be maybe possible to come back from a fall... I don't know.... They're gone and none of it really matters. It doesn't really matter. " He struggled to answer. "I I've only punished for actions I think or tried to - I haven't really punished anyone... And I don't judge - that's not true - try not to judge demons differently than people, other people. But but angels are pure. I'm just, I'm supposed to be an angel and I'm not and I'm supposed to follow leaders that aren't there anymore! And and... I haven't stopped drowning."
 
Romi

Romi

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It was a lot. And it was still a lot. Ishvi was drowning in his dreams and in his life and in that very conversation, and a part of Valli wondered if even he wasn't in over his head.

"A part of growing up," Valli said, "is realizing that your parents--that the adults around you--are not infallible. That they make mistakes. That they can be wrong. You think they're wrong because you were raised to think they're wrong, and now you're being presented, for the first time in your life, with alternate viewpoints. I think a part of you--a part of you that's growing larger every day--realizes that the viewpoints you're seeing aren't wrong. But you're struggling to reconcile what you were raised with and what you are encountering right now."
 
Boop

Boop

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Nothing had been resolved. Ishvi had lost his family, his purpose. He'd lost hope, and being resurrected hadn't magically healed that the way his tongue had. It might have made things worse. He was fallen now, couldn't even live up to his own standards.

"I can't..." It wasn't much more than a choked out whisper. He couldn't cry, but he still trembled slightly. He was so tired, he wondered if it wouldn't be better to have let out some tears after all. "It's not just my family. My home - my leaders - everyone. And if they're wrong. If they're wrong, if I say it. They're - gone but they're all I have left and I can't. Everything's different here, the rules are all - mixed up. And I don't know what to do. I have fall-fallen. It is wrong. And if I just - go by anything... how will I know if I'm worth anything at all? If there's even a point to..." He removed one hand from his face to wave it around vaguely, suddenly struck by an urge to say how afraid he was. But he was still reluctant to bring emotions into this.. at least verbally because really, his emotional involvement was painfully obvious.
 
Romi

Romi

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His emotional involvement was deeply obvious. A blind deafmute could have worked out how emotionally involved he was. Normally Valli encouraged the sharing of emotions, but in this case there were so many that he was starting to doubt he could even make much progress.

"I think," Valli said after a moment, "that it might be helpful if you had a... a leader, of sorts. A spiritual adviser. Someone who can guide you through things, from a religious standpoint. A part of your struggle is that you've stepped from a strictly regimented system to one that has no guidance at all, and now you're entirely on your own. Having someone to help direct you might help a great deal, especially combined with CBT."
 
Boop

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While he really didn't want to involve another person in this breakdown, he had to admit that what Valli said made sense. Angels might have to deal with being perfect on their own, but they knew what they had to aim for. Or in the case of falling, away from.

He still felt torn between accepting help as someone who was fallen and would at best be exiled if he had a home left, and between his desire not to keep doing something he knew was wrong. It scared him how tempted he was when his mind started turning to things he probably wouldn't come back from.

But he was too upset to keep this going. He felt sick, and all his attempts at talking just seemed to make him hurt more. Ishvi nodded, still hunched small. "You probably know this therapy stuff better than me."
 
Romi

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"I think it would help you a lot to have someone who can guide you on more spiritual matters," Valli said. It was absolutely outside his area of expertise.

"I can get you a referral to someone who handles CBT," Valli said, pushing himself to his feet as he returned to his desk. "And since you're a college student, I would recommend speaking to someone at the interfaith chapel. Ask for spiritual counselling, and they should be able to refer you to someone who most closely matches your needs."

Did Ishvi count as a Christian? Something from that general age would probably be best.

Valli returned with a small business card, setting it down in front of Ishvi.

"I think we covered a lot of ground today."
 
Boop

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More people being brought into this... Ishvi felt sick to his stomach. Second and third guessing his decisions. There were reasons he'd managed to spend five years on the island without making any connections outside of work. All of this happening when he'd started trying to be sociable certainly did not help.

He didn't refuse, though, just nodded again. At least other people couldn't be worse for him than he was to himself. And that the intrusive thoughts were wrong wasn't a very effective stop measure. He hadn't noticed the card yet.

Ishvi started to ask something, "Do you think..." changed his mind, "I guess it was some ground.." Hesitated and added, "I never intended to - mess up people's schedules."
 
Romi

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"Take this card," Valli said, sliding it across the table for more emphasis. "I'll fax referral information over for you, and you can give them a call to pick an appointment time. You aren't messing anything up, and you don't have to worry. We can schedule another appointment for next week, alright?"

Ishvi was compliant, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

But for Valli, the session was over, and he was careful to show Ishvi out before he got to tidying up the room and writing up the referral.
 
Boop

Boop

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Ishvi uncurled himself to take the card. And then stood up, since it seemed the session was over. Still distracted, he blinked up at Valli in momentary surprise that the man wasn't just washing his hands of him. "Next week?" Then he nodded, "Okay." It helped to have something planned, even if it was just more therapy.

He didn't speak much at all after that. Trying to switch gears and calm down enough to get out of nightmare form. It wasn't exactly successful, but he thought he'd managed to tramp down the worst of it. At least his dorm was close. And he headed there as soon as he left.
 
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