Mistakes were made today

Somewhere along the story, Lei moved to his bed. He didn't think he could process this information standing up. He thrummed his knees nervously, making various displeased humming noises at some points.

This was... This was, hm. It was scary. He often thought about how his own parents and siblings would react to this, and it was not good. If Chloe had a bad time being a trans girl in America, then he was going to experience hell with his more traditional Chinese family.

He didn't want to have to choose between his family and the person he wanted to be. Unfair.

Even in less dire circumstances, he'd be devastated if his friends left him because he decided to wear skirts all of a sudden. He knew some popular people like June who made dressing up like a girl popular, but actually identifying like a girl was different somehow. Why was it less acceptable? He didn't want to feel like he was infringing in another person's territory.

He just... wanted to feel like more himself. Without the dysphoria.

Because that sort of thing, it seeps into your skin and poisons everything you do. You feel like you're lying all the time. It's dirty.

"Oh boy. T-this is... this is really scary," he said, rubbing his arm. "Is it worth it? C-can I just make it go away? I don't think I can do this. I'm not... as tough as you are, haha."

...Oh geez.

Lei scrubbed his face, feeling like he was on the edge of tears.

He'd never been very honest with himself. He'd only very recently admitted to himself that he was full gay, not even bi, just exclusively dudes but this was the sort of thing that was difficult to hide. Lei didn't want to keep being addressed as a boy. But every time he thought about how his parents might react, it was...

Deep breaths.

"I-I don't..." He swallowed. "I-I don't know. This is really hard. Maybe I'm wrong? I hope it's just a phase."

He was quiet for a bit.

"I don't really know what to say! Can I get back to you on this?" He paused. "Just... For the interest of consideration, how did you start with... you know. How did you do it? Surgery looks expensive and scary."

Chloe did look nice, like a real girl. Not like him. Nothing looked right, everything was all jaunty and awkward. His eyebrows had to furrow at the last part, paling a little.

"Wait! Wait, but if you still have those parts, you're not really a girl yet," he said, not really thinking. He paled as soon as those words left his lips. It didn't feel right, like it was offensive, and he felt kind of bad himself too.

But that was how that worked, from a scientific perspective. Women gave birth. Men fertilized. It was clear cut and well-defined.

But why did it feel so weird.

"Um..." He looked down, fidgeting. "...I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. I don't..."

Softly, "I'm really scared."

Lei mulled over on what she said. He was a traditional sort, and he didn't like unlearning, because traditions existed for a reason, didn't they? And yet even now, he was finding it easier to just start from scratch. His head was traditional. His heart, well, it liked to fuck around.

Finally, he nodded.

"...I'll think about it. You can message me on Facebook about articles and stuff, because I'm not good with the internet! I can't tell the difference between ok resources and hate sites! There are so many things I don't know." His hands fidgeted on his lip. "But I'll read up on stuff. I'll tell you about, ok?" He looked hopeful.