Private Finished Maybe, Someday, They'll Sing Our Praises

Shay nodded as hard as she could, pushing herself closer to him and practically fall into his lap. She was crying now, though she tried to silence the sound. Logan always used to make fun of her for it. Was she a weakling or a monster?

"I'm sorry, too. I... I'm. I killed someone! Gods." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pushed herself as close to him as she could manage. "D-Do you hate me now? I can't say sorry I did it, but I'm sorry I dragged you down with me."

She buried her face in his chest. Did he want to touch her too? Like this? Or would he push her away? Tell her to stop crying?

Shay sniffed, calmed herself down more and more so she could find her voice. She was too vague, perhaps. "Spoiled mob brat," she said with a mimic of his forced laughter. "I was never anything. I started as nothing. I went back to nothing."

Shay didn't want to pull her face away from the safety of his chest. Sometimes Derry felt like all Shay had. "It's not like he didn't recognize me. Too many people know my face, but especially Klaus' enemies. And he never thought he'd need to set up any backup safety nets. The fuck."

Shay didn't want to pull back and meet his eyes again, but she did anyway. "I'd never give anyone your secrets," she said quietly. "I... I don't feel bad for killing him. It was stupid being there, but it could have happened anywhere. I got his last leader locked up – somewhere, I'm not sure – and Klaus fucked him up. The shit I cause. The shit I am."

She rubbed under one eye until it was red and fear of fresh tears. She hated how thick her voice was. Willed sadness away in favor of curtness. "T-Thing is. I don't – I'm... this. This will always be me, right? No matter where I pull.

"I love you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. A part of me would be gone without you, but I'd never force you here."

She had to say it, and Shay couldn't meet Derry's eye when she did because she was a fucking coward.

"You hate violence, Derry," she whispered. "And sometimes I think that's all I am inside."

Shay wanted to crawl away and mull over everything, but she knew that wasn't the best idea. Being alone in her head never was, but being around people you'd disappointed (probably for the hundredth time) felt worse.

It felt weird to Shay that Fitz wanted to kiss her after he'd been angry not ten minutes before. But he asked gently, and there wasn't any ire or tone of control t the way he said it, so Shay nodded and pushed herself up on her elbows to meet him halfway.

Multiple things were making her lightheaded. Fitz for one, this situation, memories, a voice in her head. The smell of blood had been replaced with smoke and alcohol, but she'd still need to take a shower in case.

Shay sat up slowly and turned so she could sit shoulder to shoulder with him, quietly mulling over what he'd said. "I haven't picked a firm date for it anyway. I said March or April. We just gotta act normal," she nodded. "Any change in behavior is going to make people suspicious. We have a little leeway for stress, what with a wedding coming up.

"Otherwise, we haven't been in the public eye much lately anyway. School and life." She shrugged. "If we lay any lower it'll look like we have something to hide. Which we don't.

"This might crop up in the news, and with all the Citizen's Against Evil fire, no one is going to bat an eye. And if they do,"

Shay searched for her joint, which had been put out somewhere in the middle. She took a moment to light it again and take a long drag to give herself time to think.

"We lie through our fucking teeth. The chance of them getting any concrete evidence is slim to none. If they do get something," she shrugged. "I take the time. No death sentence. No life sentence. The worst thing would be the possible reputation blowout and being away from you."